Mark Reads ‘Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix’: Chapter 33
In the thirty-third chapter of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, Hermione marches Harry and Umbridge into the Forbidden Forest to see Dumbledore’s “weapon.” We’re led to believe she is taking them to see Grawp, but what happens is completely unexpected. Intrigued? Then it’s time for Mark to read Harry Potter.
CHAPTER 33: FIGHT AND FLIGHT
IN THIS REVIEW
* Into the Forbidden Forest
* Hermione’s Surprise
* Dumbledore’s Army
On we go!
Into the Forbidden Forest
– Hermione, you are a quick-thinking badass, but where are you taking Harry and Umbridge?
– Also, you deserve all the high fives because no one ever seems to appreciate your brilliant brain.
– As if you couldn’t tell, I clearly relate to Hermione way more than most people should.
– OH HAI GUYS I AM A HARRY POTTER FAN LOL
– Wait, they are going towards where they first found Aragog??? OH GOD, HERMIONE WHAT ARE YOU DOING
– Wait what is happening, what is your plan Hermione, what the shit is thi—
– OH FUCK ARROWS.
– FUCKING CENTAURS!
– OH MY GOD. THE GENIUS OF TAKING UMBRIDGE TO SEE HALF-BREED CREATURES IS SURELY THE GREATEST EXAMPLE OF TROLLING EVER IN THE HISTORY OF ALL THINGS.
– Oh man, Umbridge is so determined to act as powerful as possible that she thinks she can take on fifty centaurs. THIS FILLS ME WITH JOY.
– She just referred to them as “half-breeds”? Oh, this is not going to end well.
– Oh god, she just said they have “near-human intelligence.” This will be a terrible thing to do.
– Oh. It’s not the centaurs forest.
– ARROW TO THE HAIR. “Whose forest is it now, human?” bellowed Bane. THIS IS SO BADASS
– OH. OH MY GOD. WHY DID YOU USE AN INCARCEROUS CHARM ON MAGORIAN.
– Oh my god THEY ARE ATTACKING UMBRIDGE OH MY GOD.
– Oh shit THEY STOMPED HER WAND AND SNAPPED IT IN HALF.
– Can I just take a moment to say how disturbing it is that Umbridge is just gone? I mean, I cannot imagine anything more poetic than the very creatures she despises so much destroying her, but essentially Hermione led her to her death. THIS IS REALLY DISTURBING GUYS.
– FUCK YOU, UMBRIDGE.
– oh god please do not hurt Harry and Hermione.
– OH FUCK, HERMIONE, YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE SAID THAT. OH GOD, HERMIONE, THAT WAS BAD.
– Did you not expect that the centaurs would be offended by you using them? Oh god, THIS IS NOT GOOD
– OH SHIT they are going to DESTROY YOU.
– Oh fuck GRAWP SHOWS UP. BADASS HALF-BROTHER OF HAGRID ALSO RULES.
– “Hagger!” Oh my heart, it is exploding.
– “Hermy.” Hey, heart, can you repair yourself so I can continue living?
– “HERMY!” ROARED GRAWP. “WHERE HAGGER?” why is this so cute to me.
– “GRAWP WANT HAGGER!” Oh my god, DUDE CALM DOWN OH GOD
– OH SHIT. CENTAUR VS. GRAWP WAR. Oh my god this is so horrible.
– Hey Hermione and Harry: way to just leave this problem behind. PS: I probably would have done the same.
– oh shit. Ron, Luna, Ginny, and Neville are here! GINNY AND NEVILLE ARE BADASSES, BY THE WAY.
– Wait, how are you guys getting to the Ministry of Magic?
– Oh, Luna, why aren’t you a real person?
– HARRY, YOU ARE NOT GOING THERE ALONE. WE ARE DUMBLEDORE’S ARMY.
– In your face, Harry. Why WOULDN’T you want to take these bad ass motherfuckers with you?
– Wait, you still haven’t figured out how you’re getting there.
– Luna: “HEY IDIOTS, THERE ARE FLYING CREATURES RIGHT HERE, WE SHOULD PROBABLY TAKE THEM.
– Oh. Shit. THESTRALS. FLYING THESTRALS TO LONDON.
– Why isn’t this real. 🙁