Mark Reads ‘Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix’: Chapter 20

In the twentieth chapter of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, Hagrid returns to Hogwarts with an unbelievably depressing tale of his and Madame Maxime’s attempts at winning over giants for the war against Voldemort. And then (surprise!), Dolores Umbridge ruins absolutely everything. Again. PLEASE. STOP. Intrigued? Then it’s time for Mark to read Harry Potter.



* Where Has Hagrid Been?

* Meat On The Face

* The Best Tale Ever

* No, Wait, Scratch That—This Tale Is Not So Good At All

* Dolores Umbridge, I Am Begging You To Go Away


Where Has Hagrid Been?

– I’m not going to tell you.

– Just kidding, yes I am.

– You are sooooo hard to ignore.

– Especially you, Hermione. Stop judging me!

– Anyway, I’ve been in the mountains, looking for giants.

– What’s that? My face. Oh, right. That.

Meat on the Face

– Sorry, is that distracting?

– Is there a bad, bad gay pun in here?

– Shut up, Ron

– I may—may—have gotten a bit of a beating. May.

– I’m just going to put this dragon’s meat on my face. It gives me a sense of satisfaction.

– Ron, no. Stop it. There are children reading this. You are going to put perverted thoughts inside their tiny children minds.

– Hey, don’t mind me. I’m going to conduct an entire conversation with a dragon’s meat piece on my face.

– Hermione, seriously, stop judging me.

The Best Tale Ever

– So, where I’ve been….

– Yes, I was off looking for giants. How’d you know?

– Oh, that’s right. I am half-giant.

– Well, we couldn’t use magic.

– Yes, Ron, we had to act like Muggles. It was actually kind of fun. Why don’t you stop being a bigot.

– Yes, giants live in mountains. They can’t really live anywhere else because duh, they will be seen.

– Seriously, Ron, lay off the gay jokes, ok?

– Anyway, Dumbledore gave us advice on how to win the giants over: we gave them gifts, one day at a time. First, a branch of everlasting fire shit yeah and then a battle helmet that was indestructible we were badasses I tell you.

– Then…uh…things didn’t go so well.

No, Wait, Scratch That—This Tale Is Not So Good At All

– It’s entirely possible that the giants, who are intensely violent, may have gotten in a brutal fight one night and killed off half their group.

– They may also have ripped the head off their leader and left it in the snow. May.

– They may have replaced their leader with a new one who clearly hated us and wanted to eat us for dinner, had it not been for Madame Maxime’s quick magic.

– They may have driven away other giants, who we located in caves above the valley where they were staying, and we spoke to them and basically turned them to our side, but they other giants may have slaughtered them as well, so we left completely empty-handed.

– Oh, and Death Eaters showed up, mainly the one who tried to kill Buckbeak, and the giants were totes best friends with them.


Dolores Umbridge, I Am Begging You To Go Away

– Oh shit, someone is at the door!

– Who are you?

– Why are you talking to me?

– Why are you asking me these questions?

– Don’t you work at the Ministry?

– Why would you take that job?

– What does that mean?

– What is a High Inquisitor?

– Why are you inspecting us?

– No, there was no one here.

– Yes, I always talk to my dog.

– Yes, he breaks stuff.

– No, I have no idea why there are three sets of footsteps in the snow leading up to my cabin.

I haven’t the foggiest idea.


– what the fuck is going on