Mark Reads ‘Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince’: Chapter 26
In the twenty-sixth chapter of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, Harry and Dumbledore enter the mysterious cave where Tom Riddle once tortured two children; they find a bizarre set of enchantments protecting Voldemort’s Horcrux and experience the most terrifying situation in the entire series. Intrigued? Then it’s time for Mark to read Harry Potter.
CHAPTER 26: THE CAVE
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): ready when you are, sir
Chrstofthemoment: hahahahaahah
Chrstofthemoment: i am actually not going to be ready ever
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): ok this is very true
Chrstofthemoment: This shit is way too real for me
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): it seriously is
Chrstofthemoment: oh god ok i am going to start reading
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): ok that is probably a good idea
Chrstofthemoment: also i think it is strange that most of our AIM reviews just sort of happen
Chrstofthemoment: and this one is 100% planned
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): hasjhdajshdwjqekdhjqskdhsakdhsahas
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): i know right
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): you even brushed your teeth why is this so funny to me
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): also i hope you know that i am putting off breakfast for this what do you mean i haven’t slept oh god what is wrong with me
Chrstofthemoment: oh ok that is totally acceptable
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): it had better be
Chrstofthemoment: also it seems implausible that Tom Riddle somehow got two children down a cliff
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): also are you reading
Chrstofthemoment: Did he float them down?
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): i don’t know dude but i suspect he used magic
Chrstofthemoment: oh right HOW CONVENIENT TOM RIDDLE
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): but yeah i don’t know this is some fucked up shit already y/y
Chrstofthemoment: Yeah that is already true
Chrstofthemoment: oh god they are swimming
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): you are not prepared
Chrstofthemoment: “It has known magic.”
Chrstofthemoment: I love you Dumbledore, but this shit is fucking weird.
Chrstofthemoment: The cave has known magic?
Chrstofthemoment: is the cave a sentient being
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): yeah, dumbledore can tell because he’s like super wizard of awesome terrifyingness
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): hawjhsdjkahdjashdsa
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): why do you mock dumbledore’s wording
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): he is a very old man ok, weird old dudes talk like that
Chrstofthemoment: i don’t i am actually just deeply jealous of him
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): you want to be a deeply dignified old gay man with an impressive beard y/y
Chrstofthemoment: I DO.
Chrstofthemoment: OH GOD.
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): in fact this is what you aspire to be when you are older oh shit
Chrstofthemoment: hahahahaha’
Chrstofthemoment: I always have.
Chrstofthemoment: I was destined to be Dumbeldore
Chrstofthemoment: oh god they are going inside the cave.
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): oh god i know right
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): i love how he’s just like, deeply unimpressed by how crude voldemort is
Chrstofthemoment: hahahha
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): like honestly, young riddle, how positively vulgar
Chrstofthemoment: WHAT THE FUCK
Chrstofthemoment: BLOOD?
Chrstofthemoment: REALLY
Chrstofthemoment: Lord Voldemort, that is kind of insanitary [EDIT: I JUST NOTICED I USED THE WORD “INSANITARY.” WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME.]
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): YEAH THAT IS SOME SERIOUSLY CRUDE SHIT RIGHT THERE
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): hejfslakdashdasjkdhkahdsajkhdsakhdsa
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): insanitary and vulgar, sir [EDIT: hahaha kasper did too I DON’T FEEL SO BAD.]
Chrstofthemoment: I don’t think Morrissey would enjoy Voldemort very much.
Chrstofthemoment: hafhahahafhdsashdjdafshjkdfsa
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): which is ironic, given they share a few key personality traits, such as unending arrogance, unfounded superiority complexes, and rabid, illogical bigotry
Chrstofthemoment: oh god you are so unbearably right
Chrstofthemoment: also i like how Harry was like…..Summoning Charm?
Chrstofthemoment: and Dumbledore is all OH SHIT THAT MIGHT BE A GOOD IDEA
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): IT’S SO SIMPLE IT MAY WELL WORK
Chrstofthemoment: oh god what is that thing in the water
Chrstofthemoment: also THIS IS SO STRANGE
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): you will find out soon, sir
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): i know
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): it’s just like SO INCREDIBLY FUCKED UP AND DARK AND TERRIFYING
Chrstofthemoment: it’s almost weirder than the Department of Mysteries
Chrstofthemoment: actually, yeah, it probably is weirder
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): yeah, it is
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): like, harry has even less of an idea what the fuck he’s doing this time
Chrstofthemoment: also NEITHER DO I
Chrstofthemoment: I HAVE NO CLUE WHAT THIS SHIT IS
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): YEAH HONESTLY JUST KEEP READING, IT WILL MAKE SENSE EVENTUALLY I SWEAR
Chrstofthemoment: I want you to know that I am so conflicted right now
Chrstofthemoment: because
Chrstofthemoment: Mac and Me is on my TV right now
Chrstofthemoment: and it’s the best worst movie ever
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): wait am i supposed to know what that is
Chrstofthemoment: no
Chrstofthemoment: but
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): i do not know these things i am foreign
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): hjwehdjsahdsjadhsa
Chrstofthemoment: there is a choreographed dance routine
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): oh god
Chrstofthemoment: AT A MCDONALDS
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): omg that is beautiful
Chrstofthemoment: like they just casually go to McDonalds and people are just dancing
Chrstofthemoment: NO BIGGIE
Chrstofthemoment: oh ok i need to read more
Chrstofthemoment: THEY ARE IN THE BOAT
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): OH GOD THIS PART IS SO FUCKED UP
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): IS YOUR BRAIN EXPLODING RIGHT NOW Y/Y/Y/Y
Chrstofthemoment: dsklfjadsfkl
Chrstofthemoment: there are bodies in the lake
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): yes
Chrstofthemoment: kasper there are fucking bodies in the lake
Chrstofthemoment: what the fuck
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): have you figured out what they are yet
Chrstofthemoment: LOL CHILDREN’S BOOK
Chrstofthemoment: I HAVE NOT FIGURED THEM OUT YET
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): LOL CAUSING SLEEPLESS NIGHTS FOR A GENERATION OF CHILDREN
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): well they were MENTIONED IN THE BOOK ALREADY
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): FYI
Chrstofthemoment: “It is the unknown we fear when we look upon death and darkness, nothing more.”
Chrstofthemoment: oh god DUMBLEDORE YOU ARE SO WISE
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): GOD I LOVE YOU SO MUCH ALBUS DUMBLEDORE
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): because he is like SUPER OLD AND AWESOME that is why
Chrstofthemoment: oh god
Chrstofthemoment: kasper
Chrstofthemoment: are they inferi
Chrstofthemoment: oh my god
Chrstofthemoment: ZOMBIE LAKE
Chrstofthemoment: IT HAS TO BE THAT
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): yes they are
Chrstofthemoment: OH MY GOD
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): YEAH
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): YEAH
Chrstofthemoment: this is so fucked up
Chrstofthemoment: WHAT THE FUCK
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): MAGICAL ZOMBIES ALL UP IN THIS SHIT
Chrstofthemoment: OH GOD
Chrstofthemoment: YOU HAVE TO DRINK THE BASIN????
Chrstofthemoment: WHAT THE SHIT IS THIS
Chrstofthemoment: KASPER I CANNOT COMPREHEND THIS FUCKERY
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): YEAH
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): YEAH
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): AND IT JUST GETS WORSE HOLY GOD
Chrstofthemoment: This is also seriously the most painfully exciting thing ever
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): right?
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): it’s so fucking eerie and dark and terrifying
Chrstofthemoment: this is horrible
Chrstofthemoment: he collapsed
Chrstofthemoment: harry is forcing him to drink
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): yeah
Chrstofthemoment: kasper this is so fucked up
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): and he’s babbling like a child jesus christ
Chrstofthemoment: i cannot believe the weirdness of this all
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): that bit gets me every time
Chrstofthemoment: oh my god
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): the way he’s talking
Chrstofthemoment: i am freaked out
Chrstofthemoment: i can
Chrstofthemoment: i cannot stand this
Chrstofthemoment: this is fucking me up
Chrstofthemoment: oh my god he is begging Harry to kill him
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): yeah, it is seriously fucked up
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): yeah
Chrstofthemoment: i am going to start uncontrollably sobbing soon
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): how fucking terrifying and awful and disturbing is that
Chrstofthemoment: are you holding my hand on the astral plane right now
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): i am holding your hand and i will hold you on the astral plane for as long as you need me to
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): you have my undending support in this traumatic time, sir
Chrstofthemoment: aguamenti
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): i know it hurts, i know
Chrstofthemoment: i am gaping at this book in terror kasper
Chrstofthemoment: i can’t read this
Chrstofthemoment: it is making my brain hurt
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): but you have to
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): you have to get through this, mark
Chrstofthemoment: oh my god
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): you can get through this
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): i know it hurts oh god i know
Chrstofthemoment: there is a locket at the bottom
Chrstofthemoment: oh god YOU CAN’T MAKE ME I DON’T WANNA
Chrstofthemoment: KASPER MY INSIDES HURT MAKE IT STOP
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): IT IS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): MARK YOU NEED TO DO THIS IT’LL BE BETTER ONCE YOU’RE THROUGH IT I PROMISE YOU’LL BE OK
Chrstofthemoment: I JUST TRIED TO DRINK WATER AND COMPLETELY MISSED MY MOUTH
Chrstofthemoment: THIS CHAPTER IS REDUCING ME TO COMPLETE IDIOCY
Chrstofthemoment: oh my god kasper
Chrstofthemoment: harry put the goblet into the lake
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): OH GOD THAT IS SO BEAUTIFUL
Chrstofthemoment: the inferi
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): oh god
Chrstofthemoment: i can’t
Chrstofthemoment: i can’t even
Chrstofthemoment: there are fucking CHILD CORPSES IN THE LAKE
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): yeah how DEEPLY FUCKED UP IS THAT
Chrstofthemoment: J.K. ROWLING YOU ARE A TERRIFYING GENIUS
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): YEAH FOR REAL
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): like how do you even write this
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): like seriously even now, when i re-read it, this shit still gets to me
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): because holy shit
Chrstofthemoment: oh my god
Chrstofthemoment: DUMBLEDORE AND FIRE
Chrstofthemoment: oh my god i can breathe again
Chrstofthemoment: oh my god
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): yeah
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): jesus christ dumbledore
Chrstofthemoment: “I AM NOT WORRIED, HARRY. I AM WITH YOU.”
Chrstofthemoment: oh my god kasper
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): I KNOW.
Chrstofthemoment: THIS FUCKING CHAPTER
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): I KNOW
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): hsdjfhasdfhasdjhassa
Chrstofthemoment: OH MY GOD OH MY FUCKING GOD
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): YEAH HOW FUCKED UP WAS THAT
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): like
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): DO YOU NEED ME TO HOLD YOU ON THE ASTRAL PLANE AS YOU SOB INTO MY T-SHIRT
Chrstofthemoment: KASPER THIS IS THE VERY WORST THING IN THE ENTIRE SERIES
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): YEAH PRETTY MUCH
Chrstofthemoment: THAT CHAPTER
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): AN ARMY OF INFERI
Chrstofthemoment: oh my god dumbledore
Chrstofthemoment: i am so freaked out
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): yeah
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): just the way he was reduced to babbling like a child and not knowing what was going on and harry had to force him to drink it
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): like
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): HOW FUCKED UP IS THAT
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): how much would that fuck you up to have to do that to like, the man you respect the most in the world
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): at sixteen
Chrstofthemoment: yeah
Chrstofthemoment: yeah
Chrstofthemoment: like
Chrstofthemoment: the imagery of it all
Chrstofthemoment: is so horrific
Chrstofthemoment: god THE WORST THINGS HAPPEN TO HARRY
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): yeah seriously
Chrstofthemoment: well i suppose most of this happened to Dumbledore
Chrstofthemoment: BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): YEAH EXACTLY
Chrstofthemoment: oh god i can’t even make a joke about any of this kasper
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): and dumbledore knows he can handle it, he is an old man, but harry is LITERALLY SIXTEEN YEARS OLD HOLY GOD
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): yeah i don’t even know how i would even try
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): like
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): just jesus fuck
Chrstofthemoment: fuck man.
Chrstofthemoment: just fuck
Chrstofthemoment: fuck
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): yeah i feel like you should give yourself some time to recover
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): i am here for you forever, sir
Chrstofthemoment: maybe i should just
Chrstofthemoment: um
Chrstofthemoment: read the next chapter
KASPER (rudolfnilsen): oh yeah or you could do that
Chrstofthemoment: i think i shall