Mark Reads ‘Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince’: Chapter 26

In the twenty-sixth chapter of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, Harry and Dumbledore enter the mysterious cave where Tom Riddle once tortured two children; they find a bizarre set of enchantments protecting Voldemort’s Horcrux and experience the most terrifying situation in the entire series. Intrigued? Then it’s time for Mark to read Harry Potter.

CHAPTER 26: THE CAVE

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): ready when you are, sir

Chrstofthemoment: hahahahaahah

Chrstofthemoment: i am actually not going to be ready ever

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): ok this is very true

Chrstofthemoment: This shit is way too real for me

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): it seriously is

Chrstofthemoment: oh god ok i am going to start reading

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): ok that is probably a good idea

Chrstofthemoment: also i think it is strange that most of our AIM reviews just sort of happen

Chrstofthemoment: and this one is 100% planned

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): hasjhdajshdwjqekdhjqskdhsakdhsahas

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): i know right

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): you even brushed your teeth why is this so funny to me

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): also i hope you know that i am putting off breakfast for this what do you mean i haven’t slept oh god what is wrong with me

Chrstofthemoment: oh ok that is totally acceptable

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): it had better be

Chrstofthemoment: also it seems implausible that Tom Riddle somehow got two children down a cliff

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): also are you reading

Chrstofthemoment: Did he float them down?

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): i don’t know dude but i suspect he used magic

Chrstofthemoment: oh right HOW CONVENIENT TOM RIDDLE

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): but yeah i don’t know this is some fucked up shit already y/y

Chrstofthemoment: Yeah that is already true

Chrstofthemoment: oh god they are swimming

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): you are not prepared

Chrstofthemoment: “It has known magic.”

Chrstofthemoment: I love you Dumbledore, but this shit is fucking weird.

Chrstofthemoment: The cave has known magic?

Chrstofthemoment: is the cave a sentient being

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): yeah, dumbledore can tell because he’s like super wizard of awesome terrifyingness

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): hawjhsdjkahdjashdsa

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): why do you mock dumbledore’s wording

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): he is a very old man ok, weird old dudes talk like that

Chrstofthemoment: i don’t i am actually just deeply jealous of him

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): you want to be a deeply dignified old gay man with an impressive beard y/y

Chrstofthemoment: I DO.

Chrstofthemoment: OH GOD.

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): in fact this is what you aspire to be when you are older oh shit

Chrstofthemoment: hahahahaha’

Chrstofthemoment: I always have.

Chrstofthemoment: I was destined to be Dumbeldore

Chrstofthemoment: oh god they are going inside the cave.

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): oh god i know right

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): i love how he’s just like, deeply unimpressed by how crude voldemort is

Chrstofthemoment: hahahha

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): like honestly, young riddle, how positively vulgar

Chrstofthemoment: WHAT THE FUCK

Chrstofthemoment: BLOOD?

Chrstofthemoment: REALLY

Chrstofthemoment: Lord Voldemort, that is kind of insanitary [EDIT: I JUST NOTICED I USED THE WORD “INSANITARY.” WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME.]

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): YEAH THAT IS SOME SERIOUSLY CRUDE SHIT RIGHT THERE

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): hejfslakdashdasjkdhkahdsajkhdsakhdsa

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): insanitary and vulgar, sir [EDIT: hahaha kasper did too I DON’T FEEL SO BAD.]

Chrstofthemoment: I don’t think Morrissey would enjoy Voldemort very much.

Chrstofthemoment: hafhahahafhdsashdjdafshjkdfsa

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): which is ironic, given they share a few key personality traits, such as unending arrogance, unfounded superiority complexes, and rabid, illogical bigotry

Chrstofthemoment: oh god you are so unbearably right

Chrstofthemoment: also i like how Harry was like…..Summoning Charm?

Chrstofthemoment: and Dumbledore is all OH SHIT THAT MIGHT BE A GOOD IDEA

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): IT’S SO SIMPLE IT MAY WELL WORK

Chrstofthemoment: oh god what is that thing in the water

Chrstofthemoment: also THIS IS SO STRANGE

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): you will find out soon, sir

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): i know

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): it’s just like SO INCREDIBLY FUCKED UP AND DARK AND TERRIFYING

Chrstofthemoment: it’s almost weirder than the Department of Mysteries

Chrstofthemoment: actually, yeah, it probably is weirder

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): yeah, it is

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): like, harry has even less of an idea what the fuck he’s doing this time

Chrstofthemoment: also NEITHER DO I

Chrstofthemoment: I HAVE NO CLUE WHAT THIS SHIT IS

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): YEAH HONESTLY JUST KEEP READING, IT WILL MAKE SENSE EVENTUALLY I SWEAR

Chrstofthemoment: I want you to know that I am so conflicted right now

Chrstofthemoment: because

Chrstofthemoment: Mac and Me is on my TV right now

Chrstofthemoment: and it’s the best worst movie ever

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): wait am i supposed to know what that is

Chrstofthemoment: no

Chrstofthemoment: but

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): i do not know these things i am foreign

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): hjwehdjsahdsjadhsa

Chrstofthemoment: there is a choreographed dance routine

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): oh god

Chrstofthemoment: AT A MCDONALDS

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): omg that is beautiful

Chrstofthemoment: like they just casually go to McDonalds and people are just dancing

Chrstofthemoment: NO BIGGIE

Chrstofthemoment: oh ok i need to read more

Chrstofthemoment: THEY ARE IN THE BOAT

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): OH GOD THIS PART IS SO FUCKED UP

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): IS YOUR BRAIN EXPLODING RIGHT NOW Y/Y/Y/Y

Chrstofthemoment: dsklfjadsfkl

Chrstofthemoment: there are bodies in the lake

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): yes

Chrstofthemoment: kasper there are fucking bodies in the lake

Chrstofthemoment: what the fuck

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): have you figured out what they are yet

Chrstofthemoment: LOL CHILDREN’S BOOK

Chrstofthemoment: I HAVE NOT FIGURED THEM OUT YET

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): LOL CAUSING SLEEPLESS NIGHTS FOR A GENERATION OF CHILDREN

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): well they were MENTIONED IN THE BOOK ALREADY

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): FYI

Chrstofthemoment: “It is the unknown we fear when we look upon death and darkness, nothing more.”

Chrstofthemoment: oh god DUMBLEDORE YOU ARE SO WISE

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): GOD I LOVE YOU SO MUCH ALBUS DUMBLEDORE

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): because he is like SUPER OLD AND AWESOME that is why

Chrstofthemoment: oh god

Chrstofthemoment: kasper

Chrstofthemoment: are they inferi

Chrstofthemoment: oh my god

Chrstofthemoment: ZOMBIE LAKE

Chrstofthemoment: IT HAS TO BE THAT

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): yes they are

Chrstofthemoment: OH MY GOD

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): YEAH

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): YEAH

Chrstofthemoment: this is so fucked up

Chrstofthemoment: WHAT THE FUCK

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): MAGICAL ZOMBIES ALL UP IN THIS SHIT

Chrstofthemoment: OH GOD

Chrstofthemoment: YOU HAVE TO DRINK THE BASIN????

Chrstofthemoment: WHAT THE SHIT IS THIS

Chrstofthemoment: KASPER I CANNOT COMPREHEND THIS FUCKERY

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): YEAH

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): YEAH

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): AND IT JUST GETS WORSE HOLY GOD

Chrstofthemoment: This is also seriously the most painfully exciting thing ever

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): right?

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): it’s so fucking eerie and dark and terrifying

Chrstofthemoment: this is horrible

Chrstofthemoment: he collapsed

Chrstofthemoment: harry is forcing him to drink

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): yeah

Chrstofthemoment: kasper this is so fucked up

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): and he’s babbling like a child jesus christ

Chrstofthemoment: i cannot believe the weirdness of this all

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): that bit gets me every time

Chrstofthemoment: oh my god

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): the way he’s talking

Chrstofthemoment: i am freaked out

Chrstofthemoment: i can

Chrstofthemoment: i cannot stand this

Chrstofthemoment: this is fucking me up

Chrstofthemoment: oh my god he is begging Harry to kill him

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): yeah, it is seriously fucked up

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): yeah

Chrstofthemoment: i am going to start uncontrollably sobbing soon

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): how fucking terrifying and awful and disturbing is that

Chrstofthemoment: are you holding my hand on the astral plane right now

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): i am holding your hand and i will hold you on the astral plane for as long as you need me to

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): you have my undending support in this traumatic time, sir

Chrstofthemoment: aguamenti

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): i know it hurts, i know

Chrstofthemoment: i am gaping at this book in terror kasper

Chrstofthemoment: i can’t read this

Chrstofthemoment: it is making my brain hurt

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): but you have to

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): you have to get through this, mark

Chrstofthemoment: oh my god

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): you can get through this

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): i know it hurts oh god i know

Chrstofthemoment: there is a locket at the bottom

Chrstofthemoment: oh god YOU CAN’T MAKE ME I DON’T WANNA

Chrstofthemoment: KASPER MY INSIDES HURT MAKE IT STOP

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): IT IS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): MARK YOU NEED TO DO THIS IT’LL BE BETTER ONCE YOU’RE THROUGH IT I PROMISE YOU’LL BE OK

Chrstofthemoment: I JUST TRIED TO DRINK WATER AND COMPLETELY MISSED MY MOUTH

Chrstofthemoment: THIS CHAPTER IS REDUCING ME TO COMPLETE IDIOCY

Chrstofthemoment: oh my god kasper

Chrstofthemoment: harry put the goblet into the lake

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): OH GOD THAT IS SO BEAUTIFUL

Chrstofthemoment: the inferi

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): oh god

Chrstofthemoment: i can’t

Chrstofthemoment: i can’t even

Chrstofthemoment: there are fucking CHILD CORPSES IN THE LAKE

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): yeah how DEEPLY FUCKED UP IS THAT

Chrstofthemoment: J.K. ROWLING YOU ARE A TERRIFYING GENIUS

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): YEAH FOR REAL

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): like how do you even write this

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): like seriously even now, when i re-read it, this shit still gets to me

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): because holy shit

Chrstofthemoment: oh my god

Chrstofthemoment: DUMBLEDORE AND FIRE

Chrstofthemoment: oh my god i can breathe again

Chrstofthemoment: oh my god

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): yeah

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): jesus christ dumbledore

Chrstofthemoment: “I AM NOT WORRIED, HARRY. I AM WITH YOU.”

Chrstofthemoment: oh my god kasper

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): I KNOW.

Chrstofthemoment: THIS FUCKING CHAPTER

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): I KNOW

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): hsdjfhasdfhasdjhassa

Chrstofthemoment: OH MY GOD OH MY FUCKING GOD

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): YEAH HOW FUCKED UP WAS THAT

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): like

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): DO YOU NEED ME TO HOLD YOU ON THE ASTRAL PLANE AS YOU SOB INTO MY T-SHIRT

Chrstofthemoment: KASPER THIS IS THE VERY WORST THING IN THE ENTIRE SERIES

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): YEAH PRETTY MUCH

Chrstofthemoment: THAT CHAPTER

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): AN ARMY OF INFERI

Chrstofthemoment: oh my god dumbledore

Chrstofthemoment: i am so freaked out

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): yeah

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): just the way he was reduced to babbling like a child and not knowing what was going on and harry had to force him to drink it

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): like

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): HOW FUCKED UP IS THAT

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): how much would that fuck you up to have to do that to like, the man you respect the most in the world

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): at sixteen

Chrstofthemoment: yeah

Chrstofthemoment: yeah

Chrstofthemoment: like

Chrstofthemoment: the imagery of it all

Chrstofthemoment: is so horrific

Chrstofthemoment: god THE WORST THINGS HAPPEN TO HARRY

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): yeah seriously

Chrstofthemoment: well i suppose most of this happened to Dumbledore

Chrstofthemoment: BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): YEAH EXACTLY

Chrstofthemoment: oh god i can’t even make a joke about any of this kasper

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): and dumbledore knows he can handle it, he is an old man, but harry is LITERALLY SIXTEEN YEARS OLD HOLY GOD

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): yeah i don’t even know how i would even try

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): like

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): just jesus fuck

Chrstofthemoment: fuck man.

Chrstofthemoment: just fuck

Chrstofthemoment: fuck

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): yeah i feel like you should give yourself some time to recover

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): i am here for you forever, sir

Chrstofthemoment: maybe i should just

Chrstofthemoment: um

Chrstofthemoment: read the next chapter

KASPER (rudolfnilsen): oh yeah or you could do that

Chrstofthemoment: i think i shall