Mark Reads ‘Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix’: Chapter 8

In the eighth chapter of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, Harry’s hearing with the Ministry of Magic seems like a disaster waiting to happen until Dumbledore arrives and becomes the greatest literary badass known to humankind. Intrigued? Then it’s time for Mark to read Harry Potter.

CHAPTER 8: THE HEARING

Oh holy shit, IT’S A DUMBLEDORE PARTY. BRING OUT YER GIFS, YER MACROS, AND YER WITTY FANART! Because oh my fucking god this is unreal.

Ok. I have to compose myself so I don’t THROW UP FROM UTTER EXCITEMENT, but we get to learn (at least partially) what Dumbledore’s been up to and why he’s been acting so strange to Harry.

SO. SO. SO. OH GOD WHAT DO I EVEN SAY?

• Harry gasped; he could not help himself. The large dungeon he had entered was horribly familiar. He had not only seen it before, he had been here before: This was the place he had visited inside Dumbledore’s Pensieve, the place where he had watched the Lestranges sentenced to life imprisonment in Azkaban.

Thank you, Rowling, for taking another scene and adding a whole new context to it. YES. Also, this isn’t a good sign; is Harry’s expulsion this serious? Why are they using this room?

• ”Yes, sir,” said na eager voice Harry knew. Ron’s brother Percy was sitting at the very end of the front bench. Harry looked at Percy, expecting some sign of recognition from him, but none came. Percy’s eyes, behind his horn-rimmed glasses, were fixed on his parchment, a quill poised in his hand.

If I could justifiably hiss at Percy through a book and it actually have an affect, I probably would have. Which is a real testament to how much I’m into these books. Which is frightening to me. Oh god what am I becoming

As Fudge reads off the names of the Interrogators, a voice interrupts:

• ”—Witness for the defense, Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore,” said a quiet voice from behind Harry, who turned his head so fast he cricked his neck.

WHAT. Also, is this the first instance that we know his full name? AHHHHHHH EXCITE.

The hearing scene plays out in ways that can be applied to numerous events in history and I implore you to find one based on where you live. In my case, this is a great parallel to what a lot of the Bush regime did to their detractors and those who chose to dissent against them: attempted (and sometimes succeeded) in smearing their names, to ruin their reputations, and to discredit them so that no one would listen to them.

It’s pretty clear from the initial line of question from Fudge that he has no intention to get to the truth of the situation; he’s certainly not concerned for Harry’s well-being either. As he asks loaded questions about the night in question (“Knowing that you are not permitted to use magic outside school while under the ago of seventeen?” “Knowing that you were in an area full of Muggles?”), he doesn’t give Harry a chance to actually explain why any of this happened.

I did find it pretty humorous that Madam Bones takes a moment during the interrogation to interrupt Fudge to ask about Harry’s Patronus:

• ”Always?” boomed Madam Bones. “You have produced a Patronus before now?”

  “Yes,” said Harry. “I’ve been doing it for over a year—“

  “And you are fifteen years old?”

  “Yes, and—“

  “You learned this at school?”

  “Yes, Professor Lupin taught me in my third year, because of the—“

  “Impressive,” said Madam Bones, staring down at him, “a true Patronus at that age…very impressive indeed.”

YEAH TAKE THAT. Except Fudge isn’t impressed and continues to point out that it doesn’t matter what magic was used; all that matter is what magic was done.

So, again, showing a change in Harry’s behavior from past books, he tells the truth: It was because he was fighting off dementors. This doesn’t go over well because instead of investigating the claim, Fudge goes straight for character assassination.

• ”Ah,” said Fudge again, smirking unpleasantly as he looked around at the Wizengamot, as though inviting them to share the joke. “Yes. Yes. I thought we’d be hearing something like this.”

  “Dementors in Little Whinging?” Madam Bones said in tones of great surprise. “I don’t understand—“

  “Don’t you, Amelia?” said Fudge, still smirking. “Let me explain. He’s been thinking it through and decided dementors would make a very nice little cover story, very nice indeed. Muggles can’t see dementors, can they boy? Highly convenient, highly convenient…so it’s just your word and no witnesses….”

I became very apparent to me that this hearing served no other purpose than to make a spectacle of Harry Potter, to discredit his name, and turn him into a household joke. What the fuck.

But Dumbledore…oh, that Dumbledore. He has a couple tricks up his sleeve.

The first is Mrs. Figg, though, admittedly, this trick doesn’t work just as planned. She acts as a witness to the events, but has obviously lied about the ability of a Squib to see dementors. Fudge is quick to jump on that and also tries to dismiss her as unworthy.

But then it’s time for Dumbledore to bust out his wizardly logic and absolutely destroy everything.

• ”Oh, I don’t think any of us believe the dementors were there by coincidence,” said Dumbledore lightly.

  The witch sitting to the right of Fudge with her face in shadow moved slightly, but everyone else was quite still and silent.

  “And what is that supposed to mean?” asked Fudge icily.

  “It means that I think they were ordered there,” said Dumbledore.

JESUS. Can you feel the burn?

• ”Not if the dementors are taking orders from someone other than the Ministry of Magic these days,” said Dumbledore calmly. “I have already given you my views on this matter, Cornelius.”

  “Yes, you have,” said Fudge forcefully, “and I have no reason to believe that your views are anything other than bilge, Dumbledore. The dementors remain in place in Azkaban and are doing everything we ask them to.”

Ouch. Damn, Fudge is sticking to his idea that Voldemort is not back and Dumbledore is…trying to get his job? I mean, dude…are you that paranoid? And are you that oblivious to the fact that SOMEONE DIED? No, seriously. A boy died and his name was CEDRIC DIGGORY.

UGH.

• ”Then,” said Dumbledore, quietly but clearly, “we must ask ourselves why somebody within the Ministry ordered a pair of dementors into that alleyway on the second of August.”

OH. SHIT. Oh shit!!!!!

And this is when we get our first real introduction to what I imagine is going to be a character who will turn up again at some point: Dolores Jane Umbridge.

• ”I’m sure I must have misunderstood you, Professor Dumbledore,” she said with a simper that her big, round eyes as cold as ever. “So sill of me. But it sounded for a teensy moment as though you were suggesting that the Ministry f Magic had ordered an attack on this boy!”

  She gave a silvery laugh that made the hairs on the back of Harry’s neck stand up. A few other members of the Wizengamot laughed with her. It could not have been plainer that not one of them was really amused.

WHO IS THIS WOMAN AND WHY DOES SHE BLEED EVIL. She hasn’t even done anything and I already hate her deeply. Oh, Rowling, WHY ARE YOUR CHARACTERS SUCH CARICATURES THAT MAKE MY EMOTIONS STIR

The next two pages…JESUS GUYS. It’s SO BRUTAL. Dumbledore destroys every single one of Fudge’s claims with simple logic, wizarding law, and, my favorite, a polite attitude.

The juxtaposition between the two wizards is what really drives this scene. No matter how upset Fudge seems to get, no matter how many of his charges he throws down, Dumbledore calmly has an answer to them all. Here’s my favorite exchange:

• ”In your admirable haste to ensure that the law is upheld, you appear, inadvertently I am sure, to have overlooked a few laws yourself.”

  “Laws can be changed,” said Fudge savagely.

  “Of course they can,” said Dumbledore, inclining his head. “And you certainly seem to be making many changes, Cornelius. Why, in the few short weeks since I was asked to leave the Wizengamot, it has already become the practice to hold a full criminal trial to deal with a simple matter of underage magic!”

Bless you, Dumbledore, not only for standing up for Harry, but for doing so in a manner that makes EVERYONE EXTREMELY UNCOMFORTABLE.

So, Harry is cleared of all charges, since only six voted to expel him (UMBRIDGE WAS ONE OF THEM ew). Let’s take this moment to have a Dumbledore party, which we’ve not had, and spread the joy that is this wonderful Headmaster.