Mark Reads ‘Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix’: Chapter 3

In the third chapter of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, Harry’s internal rage at being left in the dark nearly boils over into stupidity, but a surprise visit from a couple old friends proves that Rowling has 3493483498309284 tricks up her sleeve. Intrigued? Then it’s time for Mark to read Harry Potter.

CHAPTER 3: THE ADVANCE GUARD

PotterA Play

Act 145Scene 12

[Open on HARRY POTTER in his room at the Dursley’s residence. His hair is disheveled, his clothes and the small amount of possessions he owns are spread haphazardly about the room. It smells like a locker room, but HARRY POTTER is so punk rock, he is above caring about such petty things as smells. He’s writing a letter furiously as HEDWIG, HARRY’S owl, watches on.]

HARRY [Reading aloud what he is writing]: I’ve just been attacked by dementors and I might be expelled from Hogwarts. I want to know what’s going on and when I’m going to get out of here.

[HARRY then copies these sentences to two more pieces of parchment and then walks over to HEDWIG, who does not look pleased.]

HARRY: RRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRR I AM GOING TO YELL AT YOU EVEN THOUGH YOU ARE THE ONLY LIVING BEING TREATING ME WITH RESPECT. teen angst teen angst did you know I’m a teenager and I get upset ANGST ANGST ANGST.

[HEDWIG merely looks at HARRY and dutifully flies off after HARRY attaches the parchment pieces to her leg.]

HARRY: ANGST ANGST ANGST I AM THE CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE.

Scene 13

[UNCLE VERNON knocks and then immediately enters HARRY’S room.]

VERNON: We are going out tonight.

HARRY: Oh.

VERNON: We won some award for the best kept lawn.

HARRY: There’s a lawn here?

VERNON: Yeah, I don’t know. Don’t do anything while I’m gone.

HARRY: Ok.

VERNON: Like eat.

HARRY: Ok.

VERNON: Or use any sort of electrical object.

HARRY: Sure.

VERNON: Or breathe.

HARRY: I’m not breathing right now.

VERNON [looks suspiciously at Harry]: Er…right. Carry on.

[UNCLE VERNON leaves. HARRY has become nothing short of a couch potato, except that he’s on a bed. So a…bed potato? Whatever. Suddenly, he hears a crash in the kitchen below. He reluctantly gets up, being as quiet as possible, and stands at the top of the stairs, wand drawn. There are shadowy figures at the bottom. Suddenly a voice speaks up.

VOICE: Put down your wand, before you put someone’s eye out. Like mine.

[HARRY recognizes this voice. It belongs to MAD-EYE MOODY.]

HARRY: Professor Moody?

MOODY: Dude. I was in a chest for like a year. I didn’t teach shit. Way to RUB THAT IN MY FACE.

HARRY: Oh. Ooops. Sorry.

MOODY: Get down here, you bloody git.

[HARRY slowly makes his way down the stairs when another voice he recognizes calls out to him. It’s REMUS LUPIN.]

LUPIN: It’s all right, Harry. We’ve come to take you away.

[At this moment, HARRY excitedly bounds down the stairs as he hears a third voice begin to freak out.]

THIRD VOICE: OH MY GOD. I CAN’T BELIEVE IT! LUPIN IS BACK! LUPIN IS BACK, GUYS?

HARRY: Who is that?

LUPIN: Um……..

MOODY: He just showed up a few minutes ago. Ignore him for now.

HARRY: Oh. Ok.

[HARRY moves into the light to see a band of wizards and witches crowded in the kitchen area. There’s one man who is completely out of place, gaping with excitement at all the characters around him. HARRY ignores him and turns to LUPIN.]

HARRY: What are you doing here? What’s going on?

LUPIN: Like I said, we are taking you away from here. Dumbledore told us all about what happened tonight, so we’re taking you some place that’s safer than here.

THIRD VOICE/MAN: Oh my god, I get it. I get the name of this chapter! You guys are guarding Harry…in advance!

HARRY: No, seriously, who is that?

LUPIN: I think it’s our author.

HARRY [shocked]: WHAT???

MOODY: It appears our author is so excited about us returning so soon into this book, he wrote himself into this fake play just to express it.

HARRY: ……but why?

[MOODY and LUPIN look at each other and then shrug simultaneously at Harry. AUTHOR collapses to the floor with unending excitement.]

HARRY: So what are we waiting for?

LUPIN: The all-clear sign. Then we’re heading to some place special.

HARRY: But…how are we going to get there?

LUPIN: Flying. By brooms. It’s the only safe way.

AUTHOR: OH MY GOD, YOU GUYS ARE GOING TO ALL FLY THERE, THAT IS AMAZING.

HARRY: Shut up, dude.

AUTHOR: Harry spoke to me. HARRY SPOKE TO ME!

HARRY: This is really strange.

MOODY: He’s definitely gone off the deep end, don’tcha think?

HARRY: Ugh. Come on, I’ve got to pack.

[HARRY runs upstairs, leaving the wizards, witches, and AUTHOR behind. One witch, nicknamed TONKS, follows him to help him pack. As Harry starts packing, she stares into his mirror.]

TONKS: You think I’d look better with pink hair? [TONKS magically makes her hair turn pink.

HARRY [aghast]: How’d you do that????

TONKS: I’m a Metamorphmagus. I can change my appearance at will.

[Suddenly, a figure bursts through the door. It’s AUTHOR, and he’s out of breath.]

AUTHOR: OH MY GOD, A NEW MAGICAL BEING? OH GOD, THIS IS THE BEST BOOK EVER.

HARRY and TONKS, in unison: EXPELLIARMUS!

[AUTHOR is sent sprawling down the stairs, laughing the whole way.]

TONKS: Let’s get this over with. [She waves her wand and all HARRY’S possessions pack into his trunk. It’s not perfect, but it does the trick. She then charms HARRY’S trunk to float down the stairs. They follow.]

Scene 14

[The wizards gather out front of the Dursley house, preparing to take off.]

MOODY: I hope ya don’t mind, Harry, but I stuck that nosy Author in the oven and turned it up as far as it will go. It’ll leave a nice surprise for the Dursleys when they return.

HARRY: It’s fine with me.

MOODY: Well then. Off we go!

[They all follow Moody’s lead into the cold night air. Moody barks out intermittent directions–“Turning Southwest! We want to avoid that motorway!”–while the rest of them begin to slowly freeze to death. Which sort of brings up an interesting point…they’re wizards. Can’t they conjure up bubbles of heat or something? Anyway, they finally land in a decrepit, run-down area of a large city.]

HARRY: Wow, we made it! Wait, who’s that?

[They all turn to see AUTHOR standing on the sidewalk just off from the patch of grass they landed in.]

LUPIN: How did you get here?

AUTHOR: I’m writing this, remember? I mean…you don’t control any of this. It’s just a narrative technique.

LUPIN: Oh. Good point. So…why are you doing it anyway?

AUTHOR: I wanted to bring back the play format. Been a while since I did it. But how was I supposed to express how exciting this chapter was?

MOODY: You put yourself in it.

HARRY: That’s really weird, dude.

AUTHOR: Yeah…I’m not very happy with the execution. At least I got to poke fun at myself.

MOODY: I could spend the next five minutes insulting you, if ya like.

AUTHOR: I’ll pass. But you can show Harry the piece of parchment you’ve been holding.

MOODY: Oh. Right.

[MOODY hands harry a crumpled piece of parchment. It says: “The headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix may be found at number twelve, Grimmauld Place, London.”]

AUTHOR: You guys are going to the Order of the Phoenix? You mean I’m going to know what it is?

LUPIN: I suppose so.

AUTHOR: ;ASDKJLF; AS;DKFJASD ;ASDHF;ALKSDFJ; LASDKL;FJAS;DFJASD

MOODY: ……………….did you just pronounce a keysmash outloud?

AUTHOR: Yeah, that was a bad idea.

MOODY: Please go away.

AUTHOR: Yeah, that’s probably a good idea.

LUPIN: And please don’t do this again.

AUTHOR: Fair deal.

HARRY [mutters under his breath]: …………freak.

to be continued……….