Mark Reads ‘Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix’: Chapter 17
In the seventeenth chapter of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, Dolores Umbridge contines to ruin all the good things left in the world. Intrigued? Then it’s time for Mark to read Harry Potter.
CHAPTER 17: EDUCATIONAL DECREE NUMBER TWENTY-FOUR
7:51:11 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): oh god i ate all the food
7:51:45 PM Chrstofthemoment: i am working on doing just that
7:51:55 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): oh god your food sounds delicious
7:56:53 PM Chrstofthemoment: it is really good
7:57:00 PM Chrstofthemoment: hurry up so you can have lots of it
7:57:18 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): ok i will try to make time go faster
7:57:21 PM Chrstofthemoment: kahs;dlfjsdlkfjsdfkj
7:57:26 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): oh god mark i seriously cannot wait omg
7:57:45 PM Chrstofthemoment: wait don’t i am writing a review and then I want to keep reading and if time speeds up when am i supposed to read harry potter
7:57:57 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): hjashdqwkjehasdaw
7:58:04 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): are you telling me you care more about harry potter than me
7:58:07 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): this is acceptable fyi
7:58:47 PM Chrstofthemoment: hahahahahahahah
7:58:51 PM Chrstofthemoment: only for right now
7:58:53 PM Chrstofthemoment: to be honest
7:58:57 PM Chrstofthemoment: i am also reading quickly
7:59:04 PM Chrstofthemoment: so that I don’t have to do reviews every night
7:59:09 PM Chrstofthemoment: so we can hang out
7:59:22 PM Chrstofthemoment: “hey kasper how is your american vacation”
7:59:32 PM Chrstofthemoment: “oh i’ve watched mark read for four days, it’s awesome”
7:59:37 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): omg i am so honoured
7:59:38 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): awheijahldsadas
8:00:17 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): “he keeps getting mad at me for pulling stupid faces and making buttsex jokes in order to try to distract him, it’s great”
8:01:40 PM Chrstofthemoment: “sometimes i throw the couch pillows at the back of his head, he turns really red, it’s fantastic”
8:03:22 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): “yesterday i was like OMG I CAN’T WAIT UNITL YOU GET TO THE CHAPTER WHERE LUCIUS BLOWS SNAPE IN THE MINISTRY OF MAGIC and he manraeged me for spoiling him”
8:04:27 PM Chrstofthemoment: “yeah, i’ve been giving him fake details to pay attention to in the novels so he develops really stupid theories and posts them in the blog, i can’t wait”
8:05:25 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): “hey mark did you ever notice how SUBTEXT is an anagram of BUTTSEX, see, this book is a really good example of the SUBVERSIVE PROPAGANDA OF THE HOMOSEXUAL AGENDA”
8:06:40 PM Chrstofthemoment: “hey mark did you ever think about how snape is in a DUNGEON which is dark and mysterious and is a sly metaphor for GAY BATH HOUSES if you think about it, just look for it in the future, it’s totally a clue to how he kills dumbledore”
8:07:00 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): hajshdwajhssahdsa
8:07:06 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): god we are the best people of all time
8:07:12 PM Chrstofthemoment: we truly are
8:08:41 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): i love you so deeply
8:16:36 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): also
8:16:42 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): are you reading harry potter right now
8:16:48 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): or are you writing a review
8:17:56 PM Chrstofthemoment: still writing
8:17:59 PM Chrstofthemoment: it is a long review
8:19:03 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): omg
8:19:06 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): what kind of review is it
8:19:10 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): tell me everything plz
8:20:17 PM Chrstofthemoment: hahaha
8:20:23 PM Chrstofthemoment: just a lot of brain vomit
8:20:27 PM Chrstofthemoment: not really serious
8:50:03 PM Chrstofthemoment: omg
8:50:06 PM Chrstofthemoment: i am done
8:50:11 PM Chrstofthemoment: chapter 17 here i come
8:50:11 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): omg excite
8:50:15 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): fuck yeah
8:51:16 PM Chrstofthemoment: what
8:51:19 PM Chrstofthemoment: what the fuck
8:51:22 PM Chrstofthemoment: what the fuck!!!!!!!!
8:51:34 PM Chrstofthemoment: oh my god kasper i actually want to murder a fictional character
8:51:40 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): oh god i know
8:51:40 PM Chrstofthemoment: Harry was so happy
8:51:47 PM Chrstofthemoment: HOW THE FUCK DID SHE KNOW??!?!?!?!!
8:51:48 PM Chrstofthemoment: asdkfjals;dkfj
8:51:50 PM Chrstofthemoment: adsfjkasd;jf;lkadsjf;ladsjf;alsdkfja;sdlfjasd;lkfjas
8:51:53 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): she is the worst of all time fuck the entire ministry of magic
8:51:54 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): aejrifosjdlkheqwa
8:51:56 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): i know right
8:53:16 PM Chrstofthemoment: hdsafhsd;lf
8:53:20 PM Chrstofthemoment: THE STAIR SLIDE
8:53:21 PM Chrstofthemoment: i laughed
8:53:26 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): jsahdjsa
8:53:28 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): i know right
8:54:09 PM Chrstofthemoment: WHAT
8:54:15 PM Chrstofthemoment: QUIDDITCH
8:54:17 PM Chrstofthemoment: OH MY GOD
8:54:20 PM Chrstofthemoment: I DIDN’T EVEN THINK OF THAT
8:54:23 PM Chrstofthemoment: WHAT THE FUCK
8:54:28 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): YEAH
8:54:28 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): YEAH
8:54:29 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): YEAH
8:54:35 PM Chrstofthemoment: KASPER
8:54:35 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): GOD WAY TO HATE FUN
8:54:37 PM Chrstofthemoment: IT’S LIKE
8:54:47 PM Chrstofthemoment: I am reading Twilight again
8:54:53 PM Chrstofthemoment: because i am so full of rage
8:55:01 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): oh god i know right
8:55:13 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): umbridge inspires all the rage
8:55:58 PM Chrstofthemoment: hahahaha
8:56:01 PM Chrstofthemoment: oh professor binns
8:56:04 PM Chrstofthemoment: OFF YOU GO PERKINS
8:56:10 PM Chrstofthemoment: he is so blissfully unaware
8:56:17 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): hasdhsa i know
8:56:19 PM Chrstofthemoment: what happened to hedwig
8:56:20 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): i love professor binns
8:56:27 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): like he is the archetypical BORING OLD TEACHER
8:56:37 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): HE IS SO OLD AND BORING THAT HE IS LITERALLY DEAD
8:57:47 PM Chrstofthemoment: hahahahahaha that is the best joke ever
8:57:48 PM Chrstofthemoment: also
8:57:55 PM Chrstofthemoment: this is making me really nervous
8:57:59 PM Chrstofthemoment: like
8:58:03 PM Chrstofthemoment: some shit is going on
8:58:09 PM Chrstofthemoment: i don’t know what that shit is
8:58:13 PM Chrstofthemoment: but i don’t like it
8:58:40 PM Chrstofthemoment: ugh, this book’s “mystery” is like 304 million times more complicated and weird than the other books
8:58:46 PM Chrstofthemoment: exactly that amount, by the way
9:00:07 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): ugh i know right poor hedwig
9:00:07 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): for real
9:00:07 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): it is definitely some serious shit
9:02:22 PM Chrstofthemoment: ugh
9:02:23 PM Chrstofthemoment: again
9:02:29 PM Chrstofthemoment: this is so unsettling
9:02:30 PM Chrstofthemoment: like
9:02:38 PM Chrstofthemoment: Ikkyg left a comment on my ch12 review
9:02:39 PM Chrstofthemoment: that’s like
9:02:47 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): omg
9:02:50 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): what did it say
9:02:53 PM Chrstofthemoment: I HAD TO KEEP PUTTING THE BOOK DOWN BECAUSE IT MADE ME SO INCREDIBLY MAD
9:02:58 PM Chrstofthemoment: and it’s true!
9:03:00 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): YEAH PRETTY MUCH
9:03:06 PM Chrstofthemoment: though it is not the same MANGER as Twilight
9:03:09 PM Chrstofthemoment: it’s like
9:03:17 PM Chrstofthemoment: hey this book is for almost-adults
9:03:18 PM Chrstofthemoment: guess what
9:03:23 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): yeah, because rowling does this because she is a good writer writing about horrible people
9:03:26 PM Chrstofthemoment: the world is a terrible, uncomfortable place
9:03:35 PM Chrstofthemoment: deal with it
9:03:38 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): exactly
9:03:43 PM Chrstofthemoment: OH GOD I CAN USE SO MANY DEAL WITH IT GIFS
9:04:00 PM Chrstofthemoment: those are my current favorite in the meme world
9:04:04 PM Chrstofthemoment: especially DILL WITH IT
9:04:13 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): oh god PLEASE DO THIS
9:04:19 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): omg i love dill with it
9:04:29 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): ALSO PLZ USE THE JK ROWLING ONE I SHOWED YOU LAST NIGHT
9:05:30 PM Chrstofthemoment: i already saved it
9:07:21 PM Chrstofthemoment: oh god i should pick the book back up again
9:07:56 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): you probably should
9:08:05 PM Chrstofthemoment: god
9:08:07 PM Chrstofthemoment: malfoy
9:08:08 PM Chrstofthemoment: seriously
9:08:12 PM Chrstofthemoment: i hate him
9:08:18 PM Chrstofthemoment: not as much as Umbridge, mind you
9:08:19 PM Chrstofthemoment: but god
9:08:28 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): yeah
9:08:30 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): fuck malfoy
9:08:33 PM Chrstofthemoment: he is like every bully I’ve ever had in one person
9:08:36 PM Chrstofthemoment: also
9:08:39 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): pretty much
9:08:46 PM Chrstofthemoment: THIS BOOK DOES NOT HAVE ENOUGH SNAPE IN IT
9:08:55 PM Chrstofthemoment: OH GOD NEVILLE!
9:08:57 PM Chrstofthemoment: NEVILLE!!!!!!
9:09:00 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): OH GOD I KNOW
9:09:04 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): NEVILLE <333
9:09:33 PM Chrstofthemoment: OH GOD
9:09:55 PM Chrstofthemoment: HARRY KNOWS MALFOY, CRABBE, AND GOYLE ARE ABLEIST FUCKS
9:10:04 PM Chrstofthemoment: he is the only one who knows Neville’s secret
9:10:20 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): yeah
9:10:22 PM Chrstofthemoment: also i never considered that the Ministry might send Harry to St. Mungo’s
9:10:23 PM Chrstofthemoment: great
9:10:27 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): oh god seriously i love neville so deeply
9:10:28 PM Chrstofthemoment: another thing to worry about
9:11:23 PM Chrstofthemoment: oh god
9:11:29 PM Chrstofthemoment: Umbridge interviewing Snape
9:11:34 PM Chrstofthemoment: I like how I begged for more Snape
9:11:39 PM Chrstofthemoment: and the chapter gave it to me
9:13:53 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): omg
9:13:55 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): i know right
9:14:54 PM Chrstofthemoment: oh god
9:15:05 PM Chrstofthemoment: I literally feel so bad about ever making fun of Professor Trelawney
9:15:06 PM Chrstofthemoment:
9:15:32 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): well, her class is completely pointless, but i feel so sad for her
9:16:12 PM Chrstofthemoment: i know
9:16:13 PM Chrstofthemoment: like
9:16:17 PM Chrstofthemoment: she’s been there 16 yeas
9:16:20 PM Chrstofthemoment: years as well
9:16:25 PM Chrstofthemoment: yeas is not a measurement of time
9:17:37 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): hahdiuawhdasdsa
9:17:41 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): i know
9:17:47 PM Chrstofthemoment: but anyway
9:17:48 PM Chrstofthemoment: like
9:17:54 PM Chrstofthemoment: imagine teaching somewhere for that long
9:17:59 PM Chrstofthemoment: and in the course of like two weeks
9:18:05 PM Chrstofthemoment: someone ruins it all
9:18:05 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): yeah for real
9:18:12 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): FFFFFFFFUUUUUU—
9:22:43 PM Chrstofthemoment: sorry i’m not ready
9:22:49 PM Chrstofthemoment: reading*
9:22:58 PM Chrstofthemoment: i’m watching more terrible Wendy’s videos
9:24:46 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): hfgdjhgfjkfgfilkjhiuy
9:24:46 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): ilu
9:24:46 PM Chrstofthemoment: //www.youtube.com/watch?v=IUKDspx0LZ0
9:24:49 PM Chrstofthemoment: 3:30
9:24:52 PM Chrstofthemoment: just skip to that
9:24:59 PM Chrstofthemoment: and try not to shrivel with embarrassment
9:25:32 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): jhsajdhas
9:25:36 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): ok
9:25:49 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): it is still loading fyi
9:25:54 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): omg what is this
9:26:12 PM Chrstofthemoment: it is the 90s
9:27:07 PM Chrstofthemoment: Thank you, America.
9:27:20 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): pretty much
9:27:52 PM Chrstofthemoment: also
9:27:55 PM Chrstofthemoment: i am 5
9:28:17 PM Chrstofthemoment: because reading George projectile vomiting is so unbelievably hilarious to me
9:28:24 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): ahdhasjsa
9:28:28 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): i know right
9:29:11 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): also
9:29:15 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): this wendy’s video
9:29:18 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): apiudjhakhdwdas
9:29:19 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): why
9:29:20 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): what is this
9:29:39 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): the tape
9:29:39 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): what
9:29:39 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): what
9:29:43 PM Chrstofthemoment: hahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahah
9:29:50 PM Chrstofthemoment: i love that it is just now starting for you
9:30:08 PM Chrstofthemoment: i feel like I should make this review another AIM review just to make other people suffer through that video
9:30:09 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): i watched the whole thing from the beginning ok
9:30:11 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): don’t judge me
9:30:14 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): ahsjdawsidsaahashashaa
9:30:17 PM Chrstofthemoment: you are my favorite
9:30:35 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): also
9:30:38 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): why is there rapping
9:30:57 PM Chrstofthemoment: really, really, really bad rapping
9:31:01 PM Chrstofthemoment: if you can call that rapping
9:31:05 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): yes
9:31:07 PM Chrstofthemoment: it’s more like out of sync rhyming
9:31:10 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): hajshdashjshasas
9:32:00 PM Chrstofthemoment: oh god
9:32:06 PM Chrstofthemoment: Mrs. Weasley is so mothering
9:32:12 PM Chrstofthemoment: I mean, she’s totally right
9:32:14 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): oh god i know
9:32:15 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): yeah
9:32:17 PM Chrstofthemoment: what they’re doing is kind of stupid
9:32:24 PM Chrstofthemoment: but I kind of hope they don’t stop
9:33:14 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): pretty much
9:33:50 PM Chrstofthemoment: oh
9:33:52 PM Chrstofthemoment: oh my god
9:33:54 PM Chrstofthemoment: OH MY GOD
9:33:58 PM Chrstofthemoment: HOLY FUCKING SHIT
9:34:01 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): I KNOW
9:34:03 PM Chrstofthemoment: I HAVE GOOSEBUMPS
9:34:07 PM Chrstofthemoment: WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!
9:34:13 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): SO CREEPY
9:34:14 PM Chrstofthemoment: HOW THE FUCK DOES UMBRIDGE SEEM TO KNOW EVERYTHING
9:34:19 PM Chrstofthemoment: no honestly
9:34:28 PM Chrstofthemoment: one of the creepiest fucking images in the entire series
9:34:31 PM Chrstofthemoment: that is so fucked up
9:34:32 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): yeah
9:34:36 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): it really is!!
9:34:57 PM Chrstofthemoment: like
9:35:00 PM Chrstofthemoment: oh my god
9:35:02 PM Chrstofthemoment: this book kasper
9:35:07 PM Chrstofthemoment: it’s like every moment you have hope
9:35:13 PM Chrstofthemoment: rowling fucking destroys it
9:35:21 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): yeah pretty fucking much
9:35:23 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): like
9:35:31 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): this shit is serious fucking business
9:35:33 PM Chrstofthemoment: Harry Potter: Are You Happy Yet, Let Me Slap You In The Face
9:36:18 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): Harry Potter: Growing Up Means Losing All Hope That The World In Which We Live Is Remotely Just Or Good
9:36:56 PM Chrstofthemoment: Harry Potter: I’d Like To Remind You That Your Childhood Is Over And You Should Get Used To Disappointment And Heartbreak
9:37:18 PM Chrstofthemoment: Harry Potter: Basically The Novel Version of At Least Half of Tegan and Sara’s Discography
9:37:35 PM Chrstofthemoment: Harry Potter: Start Sobbing Now To Prepare For Later
9:38:04 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): Harry Potter: If There Is A God He Is A Complete And Utter Douchebag
9:38:17 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): Harry Potter: Nothing Will Ever Be OK Again
9:38:19 PM Chrstofthemoment: Harry Potter: Just Kidding, There Is No God
9:38:43 PM Chrstofthemoment: Harry Potter: In Which “Joy” Is Stricken From Merriam-Webster
9:39:46 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): Harry Potter: Morrissey Was Right
9:39:59 PM Chrstofthemoment: HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
9:40:05 PM Chrstofthemoment: KASPER: WHY ARE WE LIKE THIS
9:40:36 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): MARK: I DON’T KNOW, OUR GENIUS WORKS IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS AND IS INCOMPREHENSIBLE EVEN TO ME
9:40:51 PM Chrstofthemoment: oh god I peaked ahead at the title of chapter 18
9:40:57 PM Chrstofthemoment: FUCK IT, THIS IS THE REVIEW AGAIN
9:41:24 PM Chrstofthemoment: haters, please familiarize yourself with the phrase you already know by know
9:41:32 PM Chrstofthemoment: and now
9:41:32 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): oh god, two in a row?
9:41:37 PM Chrstofthemoment: that is also a word
9:41:44 PM Chrstofthemoment: actually chapter 16 is a real review
9:41:45 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): or wait, no, not quite in a row right
9:41:48 PM Chrstofthemoment: separated by one
9:41:56 PM Chrstofthemoment: I am breaking all of the rules.
9:42:02 PM Chrstofthemoment: Is this the…third one for this book?
9:42:11 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): oh fuck, is it?
9:42:21 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): yeah, it is
9:42:23 PM Chrstofthemoment: i mean i don’t care
9:42:34 PM Chrstofthemoment: People have to see that Wendy’s video
9:42:37 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): fuck the haters
9:42:41 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): clearly
9:42:50 PM Chrstofthemoment: and they’ll have to read another insufferable AIM review in order to do so
9:43:24 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): i think you mean a work of AIM chat log genius
9:43:27 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): kthx
9:43:34 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): actually wait what are your readers going to start hating me
9:44:04 PM Chrstofthemoment: THEY BETTER NOT
9:44:17 PM Chrstofthemoment: I’ll write an entire review as Dolores Umbridge
9:44:19 PM Chrstofthemoment: jesus
9:44:22 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): asdjfhad
9:44:23 PM Chrstofthemoment: I HAVE TO DO THAT
9:44:25 PM Chrstofthemoment: AT SOME POINT
9:44:26 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): YES YOU DO
9:44:27 PM Chrstofthemoment: HOLY FUCK
9:44:27 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): ASHODJHAS
9:44:35 PM Chrstofthemoment: that is actually really challenging
9:44:40 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): yes it is
9:44:40 PM Chrstofthemoment: i have no idea how I’d do that
9:44:52 PM Chrstofthemoment: because I’d basically have to write something that would infuriate me as I write it
9:45:01 PM Chrstofthemoment: is that even possible
9:45:03 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): yes
9:45:04 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): ashudfawjdas
9:45:07 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): probably
9:45:23 PM Chrstofthemoment: oh god
9:45:27 PM Chrstofthemoment: i will consider this
9:45:32 PM Chrstofthemoment: now it is time for chapter 18
9:45:36 PM Chrstofthemoment: sdjf;klsd sfda;klfjsd s ;lkjdf;ladjkf
And, as promised:
