Mark Reads ‘Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix’: Chapter 11

In the eleventh chapter of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, more strange and mysterious things happen to Harry, including the confirmation that Hagrid is not a teacher, Dolores Umbridge is the new Defense Against The Dark Arts teacher (and might be a plant from the Ministry of Magic), and the Sorting Hat warns of an oncoming threat to Hogwarts that might tear apart the school. Intrigued? Then it’s time for Mark to read Harry Potter.

CHAPTER 11: THE SORTING HAT’S NEW SONG

IN THIS REVIEW:

*Where is Hagrid?

*What is up with the Sorting Hat’s new song?

*Dolores Umbridge: evil being or unfairly judged?

*Hermione’s prediction: WHAT

*Seamus: Not just your everyday bigot

LET’S GO.

Where is Hagrid?

– Ostensibly still on Hagrid’s mission.

– BUT IS HE?

– Bulleted list

– Please don’t be hurt ::sadfaces::

What is up with the Sorting Hat’s new song?

– Why is it still using the most confusing rhyme scheme ever? If you’re going to update the message, pick something that’s easier to follow along with.

– Not a good poet.

– Go back to school.

– WHY ARE YOU STILL CATERING TO SLYTHERINS IF THEY HISTORICALLY RUIN ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING ALL OF THE TIMES?

– Why are you scaring the living daylights out of me by predicting that “external, deadly foes” are putting Hogwarts in danger?

– You are a still bad at rhyming.

– Do not introduce to hip-hop.

– Why.

Dolores Umbridge: evil being or unfairly judged?

– I don’t feel she’s evil anymore. Shoot me. I know we’re supposed to think she’s this forboding character who will fuck everything up, but come on. She cannot be that bad just because she’s “traditional” in some sense. I mean, she will probably be difficult, but it’ll be an interesting way to bring up some sort of conflict between Harry and her. Or maybe Hermione. But yeah. I’m not buying this whole “YOU SHOULD TOTALLY HATE HER IMMEDIATELY” thing.

– I do think it’s odd (and possibly fucked up?) that Harry seems to focus almost solely on all of her feminine features when trying to decide exactly why he despises her much. Misogyny much?

– Take away her thesaurus.

– No, seriously, break up your sentences.

– It hurts to read what you are saying.

– What are you saying anyway?

Hermione’s Prediction

– Hermione is a genius and underrated and all haters need to familiarize themselves with the left hand evacuation procedure.

– It’s ok, Kasper said I can use that.

– No, really, he did.

– I’m on AIM with him right now.

– So is she really a Ministry plant or is Hermione looking too much into her words?

– No, seriously guys, please don’t let Dolores Umbridge use a thesaurus anymore.

Seamus: Not Just Your Every Day Bigot

– Sensitive to “Yer mum” jokes.

– Which is understandable, because 99.9999999% of the time they are terrible.

– I’ll make a pie chart if I have to.

– Reveals to Harry that his “mam” didn’t want him to come back to school because she didn’t want him around Harry and Dumbledore.

– Somehow thinks admitting this IS NOT GOING TO TRIGGER HARRY.

– Dumb, dude.

– Triggers Harry’s current smarmy and passive-aggressive manger.

– FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!

– Wait, nevermind. Ron the Prefect stops things.

Neville Is Probably Better Than You Are

– Surprise topic, Potterites.

– Get your pencils ready.

– Neville defends Harry at the risk of losing a friend.

– Which means he probably rules more than you.

– I can also make a pie chart for this.

Stop judging me immediately.

Test at noon TOMORROW.