Mark Reads ‘Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire’: Chapter 31

In the thirty-first chapter of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, brains are melted. Intrigued? Then it’s time for Mark to read Harry Potter.

CHAPTER 31: THE THIRD TASK

guys.

I HAVEN’T GOT TIME FOR THIS MICKEY MOUSE BULLSHIT.

DO YOU REALIZE WHAT THE FUCK I JUST READ? DO YOU EXPECT ME TO REVIEW THIS PROPERLY?

FUCK THAT. NO. MY NEEDS COME FIRST THIS TIME.

HERE’S WHAT HAPPENED FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE NEVER READ THIS, WHICH SHOULD BE NONE OF YOU BECAUSE ONLY TRUE PATRIOTS READ HARRY POTTER. THIS IS A TRUE FACT DO NOT DISPUTE ME.

– HERMIONE FIGURES OUT HOW RITA SKEETER HAS BEEN SPYING ON HOGWARTS STUDENTS AFTER SHE CATCHES MALFOY ACTING LIKE HE’S USING A WALKIE-TALKIE. BUT HE DOESN’T HAVE ONE. BUT WE DON’T FIND OUT WHAT IT IS.

– RITA SKEETER IS A HORRIBLE HUMAN BEING THE END.

– BILL AND MRS. WEASLEY SHOW UP TO WATCH HARRY. THEY ARE AWESOME THE END.

– HARRY FIGHTS A BOGGART IN THE MAZE AND WINS THE END.

– KRUM CONJURES UP THE CRUCIATUS CURSE AGAINST CEDRIC IN THE MAZE (AND, ALLEGEDLY, AGAINST FLEUR AS WELL) AND HARRY SAVES CEDRIC’S LIFE. AGAIN. ALSO WHAT THE FUCK IS KRUM DOING OH GOD SHIT GOT SO REAL

– HARRY MEETS A SPHINX AND SOLVES A RIDDLE. WHOOP-DE-DO.

– HARRY MAKES IT TO THE CENTER OF THE MAZE, BUT SEES CEDRIC BEATING HIM TO THE CUP. BUT THEN OH FUCK A GIANT FUCKING SPIDER ATTACKS BOTH OF THEM AND BITES HARRY IN THE LEG AND HE IS LEGITIMATELY HURT WHAT THE FUCK.

– CEDRIC TRIES TO HELP HARRY AND THEY HAVE SOME NOBLE OR SHIT SORT OF CONVERSATION ABOUT WHO SHOULD TAKE THE CUP, AND DECIDE THEY SHOULD BOTH WALK OUT WITH IT.

I AM NOT GOING TO WASTE ANY TIME WAXING POETICALLY ABOUT ANY OF THIS BULLSHIT BECAUSE THEY DISCOVER THE TRIWIZARD CUP IS A FUCKING PORTKEY.

DID YOU READ THAT. READ IT AGAIN. THE TRIWIZARD CUP IS A FUCKING PORTKEY.

DO YOU HONESTLY EXPECT ME TO SPEND THIS REVIEW SAYING, “oh but i really liked the contrast between the expected actions of his opponent versus the– NO YOU FUCKING DON’T AND YOU FUCKING BETTER NOT BECAUSE SHIT JUST GOT SO UNBELIEVABLY REAL THAT I NEED TO WRITE A REVIEW THAT TAKES 10 MINUTES TO COMPOSE SO I CAN READ MORE OF THIS.

SO FUCK YOU ALL. I AM READING MORE AND THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO STOP ME.[/CUT]