Worst Piece of Twilight Merch Ever
This is probably the sort of thing I could have held off on until Tacky Twilight Thursdays: Breaking Dawn. But it is literally so bad I couldn’t help myself. I have to share it now.
It is something SO BAD I am breaking one of my major rules: I don’t like to snark on fan-made stuff because A) there’s so much bad professionally designed stuff out there and B) even I tend to find that a little mean. But this is the sort of thing I couldn’t just boggle over and then ignore. Oh no.
Because it’s this:
Okay, see…for those of you who remain blissfully unaware, Imprinting in the Twilight books is this thing werewolves do when they find their mate. Since most werewolves are guys because of some ancient story about how women bleed and that makes them weaker than men, I dunno, I kind of blacked out with rage over the explanation, it means a guy werewolf will basically look at a girl werewolf and then this THING will happen where they’re like fucking chemically and spiritually betrothed and BELONG TOGETHER. It’s all kind of creepy.
Anyway, the guys can’t imprint until they’re officially werewolves which happens post-puberty. But there’s no age limit on the girls they can imprint on.
So, yeah. A new born baby gets imprinted on.
Meaning from pretty much the second this little girl is born, a 16 year old boy IS PLANNING TO SOME DAY MARRY AND FUCK HER.
HE IS PLANNING TO MARRY AND FUCK SOMEONE HE HELD AS A FUCKING BABY.
AND FOR SOME REASON, THIS IS THE GREATEST LOVE STORY OF OUR FUCKING TIMES.
AND NOW, LADIES, YOU CAN ANNOUNCE TO THE WORLD THAT SOME CREEP IS ALREADY PLANNING ON HOW HE’S GOING TO RAISE YOUR CHILD TO BE THE PERFECT WIFE AND THEN MARRY AND FUCK HER. ISN’T THAT FUCKING AWESOME?