I Am Putting a Stake in the Heart of This Vampire Thing

I like vampires.

One might even say I LOVE vampires.

I love the mythology, the sexual side of them and the horror factor. As a high school goth chick, I spent a lot of time thinking, reading, dreaming and writing about vampires. I picked over stuff like Anne Rice’s Vampire Chronicles, Poppy Z Brite’s Lost Souls, L.J. Smith’s Night World series (completely different from The Vampire Diaries, which they did all they could to make into “Twilight for TV)” and made continuing attempts at Dracula, which, I kinda have to admit I didn’t really develop a fondness for until college. I watched some extremely terrible movies just because there were vampires in them. While my classmates were crushing on Dawson and Pacey, I was drooling over Angel from Buffy: The Vampire Slayer. So trust me when I say I am not new to the vampire thing.

And now it has to stop.

Because I am so sick of everything involving vampires being fucking co-opted by Twilight. INCLUDING FANGS.

Look, vampires in those books, which I am loathe to even call BOOKS, don’t even have fangs. And yet, teenage Twilight fans are apparently running out to have “vampire veneers” put in, which make their canine teeth look like fangs. It’s reportedly a trend in the Texas suburbs, where a dentist started offering the procedure after finding out people were actually filing their teeth to make them sharper.

Which, actually, was what the fang-less vampires in Poppy Z. Brite’s Lost Souls did years before FUCKING TWILIGHT, but I digress.

Twilight fans, why are you getting fangs? Your pansy ass vampires don’t have fangs. They glitter. So go, I dunno, get some kind of glitter skin treatment or something. I’m sure someone could modify a spraytan booth to cover you in glitter if you really, really want. Leave fangs out of this. Seriously, it’s at the point where I constantly feel like I’m in that episode of South Park with the goth kids versus the vampire kids.

Vampires are being ruined. And I will not let this happen to such a proud race of fictional supernatural beings. Sorry, it pains me to do this…but I MUST.

BRB, STAKIN’.