Mark Reads ‘Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban’: Chapter 18
In the eighteenth chapter of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, the events of the previous, mind-blowing chapter are rendered obsolete by the unbelievable mind-melting of chapter 18. Also: SNAPE! Intrigued? Then it’s time for Mark to read Harry Potter.
CHAPTER 18: MOONY, WORMTAIL, PADFOOT, AND PRONGS
2:13:52 PM chrstofthemoment: omg
2:13:53 PM chrstofthemoment: fuck it
2:13:54 PM chrstofthemoment: kasper
2:14:00 PM chrstofthemoment: i already know how I’m going to review 17
2:14:07 PM chrstofthemoment: so let’s just do chapter 18 right now.
2:14:10 PM browncorduroy: omg
2:14:10 PM browncorduroy: ok
2:14:12 PM chrstofthemoment: omg
2:14:18 PM chrstofthemoment: DO YOU NEED YOUR COPY OF THE BOOK
2:14:34 PM browncorduroy: I HAVE MY EBOOK COPY OPEN RIGHT NOW
2:15:00 PM browncorduroy: SO YEAH
2:15:03 PM browncorduroy: READY WHEN YOU ARE, SIR
2:15:18 PM chrstofthemoment: hahahahaha oh my god you have an ebook copy of Prisoner of Azkaban?
2:15:28 PM browncorduroy: all of them
2:15:38 PM browncorduroy: i downloaded them because i could not find my copies of the books
2:15:40 PM browncorduroy: don’t judge me
2:15:52 PM chrstofthemoment: hahaha you are dedicated to this series
2:16:14 PM browncorduroy: um duh
2:16:18 PM browncorduroy: you can stop judging me any moment now
2:17:30 PM chrstofthemoment: don’t worry I AM THE ONE SPENDING ONE OF MY ONLY DAYS OFF TO WRITE ABOUT HARRY POTTER
2:17:54 PM chrstofthemoment: Also, jesus christ, I am afraid to start reading because…that last chapter was insane. I don’t even know what to say. what the fuck is going on
2:18:06 PM browncorduroy: all will become clear soon
2:18:07 PM browncorduroy: sort of
2:18:46 PM chrstofthemoment: oh god SPOILER TAGS
2:18:50 PM chrstofthemoment: oh god ok ARE YOU READY
2:18:53 PM chrstofthemoment: I AM ABOUT TO START
2:18:56 PM browncorduroy: YES SIR
2:19:09 PM chrstofthemoment: ok CHAPTER 18 I AM STARTING NOW
2:19:18 PM browncorduroy: OK GOOD
2:19:30 PM chrstofthemoment: oh my god I LOVE RON. “You’re both mental.”
2:19:36 PM chrstofthemoment: Ron deeply knows my pain, Kasper.
2:20:05 PM browncorduroy: ron has deeply known my pain for longer than i care to admit
2:20:16 PM browncorduroy: he is a true poet and a genius
2:20:29 PM chrstofthemoment: jesus OK DON’T TELL ME but what the fuck is up with Crookshanks? IS IT PETTIGREW’S ~mortal enemy~ or something?
2:20:38 PM chrstofthemoment: oh god i can barely process this
2:21:07 PM chrstofthemoment: I feel like I know have to re-read the whole series. WAS SCABBERS PETTIGREW THE WHOLE TIME
2:21:10 PM browncorduroy: dude seriously re-reading this is so intense even for me and i know what happens
2:21:12 PM chrstofthemoment: oh my god my brain
2:21:28 PM browncorduroy: YOU WILL FIND OUT SOON DO YOU REALISE HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME NOT TO SPOIL YOU OMG
2:21:35 PM chrstofthemoment: asl;kfjsd;fljkasfjklasdfjkasd;a
2:21:53 PM chrstofthemoment: i like how Lupin is like WE MUST EXPLAIN THIS TO THEM and Sirius is all FUCK YOU I WANT TO MURDER
2:21:58 PM chrstofthemoment: lol children’s literature
2:22:02 PM chrstofthemoment: oh god I AM SO CONFUSE
2:22:06 PM chrstofthemoment: and I AM SO EXCITE
2:22:21 PM browncorduroy: lol REMUS LUPIN: THE DIPLOMATIC, SENSIBLE WEREWOLF
2:22:42 PM chrstofthemoment: omg what is Lupin doing
2:22:56 PM chrstofthemoment: omg Scabbers witnessed Black murdering Pettigrew????
2:22:59 PM chrstofthemoment: jasd;klfjads;lfjas;dlfk what is this
2:23:30 PM browncorduroy: asdjfhjasd this is children’s literature
2:23:34 PM chrstofthemoment: ;lkajsdf;lkjsadf;lkjsadf;lkjsdf;lkajsfl;jsf;lkajsf;lkajsdf;
2:23:35 PM chrstofthemoment: also
2:23:38 PM chrstofthemoment: Hermione is literally me
2:23:45 PM chrstofthemoment: because she is lecturing during a time of crisis
2:23:47 PM chrstofthemoment: did you know
2:23:53 PM browncorduroy: i know this is why we are BFF because ron is literally me
2:24:00 PM chrstofthemoment: When I got punched in the face for my Bad Religion tattoo once
2:24:04 PM chrstofthemoment: I LECTURED THE GUY
2:24:08 PM browncorduroy: omg what
2:24:09 PM chrstofthemoment: I didn’t fight back at all
2:24:17 PM browncorduroy: THIS IS A BEAUTIFUL AND INSPIRING STORY
2:24:23 PM chrstofthemoment: I LECTURED HIM ABOUT PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY AND RELIGIOUS INTOLERANCE
2:24:27 PM chrstofthemoment: literally i am Hermione.
2:24:31 PM chrstofthemoment: J.K. ROWLING STOLE MY LIFE
2:24:35 PM browncorduroy: JESUS THAT IS SO BEAUTIFUL I COULD WEEP
2:24:42 PM browncorduroy: SHE PROBABLY ACTUALLY DID YOU SHOULD SUE FOR ROYALTIES
2:24:44 PM chrstofthemoment: ;alksdjf;lasjf;lsdfj;asldkfja;sdfjka;slfja;sdj
2:25:03 PM chrstofthemoment: WHY ISN’T J.K. ROWLING PAYING ME RIGHT NOW
2:25:08 PM chrstofthemoment: i deserve all the monies
2:25:19 PM browncorduroy: you truly do
2:25:22 PM chrstofthemoment: oh god kasper, NO ONE IS GOING TO WANT TO READ THIS REVIEW. we are nuts.
2:25:34 PM chrstofthemoment: People will just say WELL HE’S TOTALLY LOST IT NOW
2:25:43 PM chrstofthemoment: Harry Potter killed Mark’s brain.
2:25:44 PM browncorduroy: what we are deeply wonderful, incredibly interesting and witty people
2:26:12 PM chrstofthemoment: I am going to go in to the office on Monday and insist that all Animagi in the office identify themselves immediately
2:26:15 PM chrstofthemoment: this is how bad it is.
2:26:28 PM chrstofthemoment: I am going to truly believe Harry Potter is actually non-fiction.
2:26:31 PM browncorduroy: and then rich will instantly transform into a sparkledog
2:26:43 PM chrstofthemoment: oh god No he will be a GLOOMDOG, duh
2:26:54 PM browncorduroy: oh shit that is true i am ashamed
2:27:01 PM chrstofthemoment: *Rich likes to wear skinny jeans and jelly bracelets.
2:27:14 PM chrstofthemoment: *Rich hates when people call him “emo”
2:27:32 PM chrstofthemoment: oh god, can we please create a Gloomdog or a Sparkledog based on Rich?
2:27:35 PM chrstofthemoment: Like, immediately?
2:27:44 PM browncorduroy: oh god duh of course we can why haven’t we already
2:27:50 PM chrstofthemoment: I don’t know.
2:28:00 PM chrstofthemoment: oh wait, I’m supposed to be reviewing Harry Potter.
2:28:05 PM chrstofthemoment: This may be my worst review ever.
2:28:09 PM browncorduroy: jahskdhasjkdhakjhlasfsda
2:28:19 PM browncorduroy: OK CONTINUE READING PLZ
2:28:24 PM chrstofthemoment: OK BACK TO READING WHERE WAS I
2:28:38 PM chrstofthemoment: oh Hermione just lectured Lupin about how it’s impossible for Scabbers to be Pettigrew
2:28:46 PM chrstofthemoment: I like how she is all HERE IS ALL THE LOGICS
2:29:13 PM browncorduroy: hermione has ALL THE SMARTS
2:29:18 PM browncorduroy: she knows ALL THE THINGS
2:29:58 PM chrstofthemoment: hahahahahaha
2:30:02 PM chrstofthemoment: OMG SIRIUS BLACK
2:30:18 PM chrstofthemoment: I love that he’s basically the character who says STOP WITH THE STUPID EXPLANATORY MONOLOGUES
2:30:18 PM browncorduroy: OH SHIT
2:30:23 PM chrstofthemoment: LET ME JUST KILL PEOPLE
2:30:24 PM browncorduroy: hashdas yeah
2:30:41 PM chrstofthemoment: Why am I now deeply in love with Sirius Black?
2:30:41 PM browncorduroy: I WAS IN PSYCHO SOULKILLING WIZARD PRISON FOR 12 YEARS, I DON’T CARE ABOUT YOUR FUCKING LIFE STORY
2:30:45 PM chrstofthemoment: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
2:31:03 PM chrstofthemoment: Just send them the Wikipedia entry on it, Lupin. They can bookmark it and read it later.
2:31:05 PM browncorduroy: because he is dark and mysterious and kind of a douche
2:31:13 PM browncorduroy: hajhkldadhasfiowelsjkdøads
2:31:17 PM chrstofthemoment: oh that perfectly describes every man i have ever had a crush on
2:31:37 PM browncorduroy: mark you are so wonderfully predictable
2:31:46 PM chrstofthemoment: kasper what the fuck
2:31:57 PM chrstofthemoment: Lupin and the Shrieking Shack
2:31:59 PM chrstofthemoment: what the fuck
2:32:15 PM browncorduroy: YEAH LUPIN’S TRAGIC PAST GOD THIS SHIT IS SO DEEP
2:32:24 PM chrstofthemoment: oh shit
2:32:28 PM browncorduroy: oh shit plot twist
2:32:32 PM chrstofthemoment: AGAIN, SNAPE WAS ACTUALLY HELPING LUPIN
2:32:33 PM chrstofthemoment: OH GOD
2:32:50 PM chrstofthemoment: Rowling, you have to make your hateful characters unable to be fully hated
2:33:20 PM browncorduroy: what is this character depth
2:33:22 PM chrstofthemoment: OH
2:33:23 PM chrstofthemoment: MY
2:33:24 PM chrstofthemoment: GOD
2:33:27 PM chrstofthemoment: THE WHOMPING WILLOW
2:33:29 PM chrstofthemoment: HOLY SHIT
2:33:31 PM chrstofthemoment: HOLY SHIT
2:33:33 PM chrstofthemoment: MIND BLOWN
2:33:45 PM chrstofthemoment: OH MY GOD
2:33:59 PM browncorduroy: WAIT WHAT ARE YOU MINDBLOWN BY WHERE ARE YOU
2:34:03 PM browncorduroy: THE ANIMAGI STUFF Y/Y?
2:34:06 PM chrstofthemoment: sort of?
2:34:21 PM chrstofthemoment: just got to the part where lupin explains why the whomping willow was planted
2:34:29 PM chrstofthemoment: and how Dumbledore IS THE WORLD’S MOST SYMPATHETIC MAN
2:34:32 PM browncorduroy: oh god yeah
2:34:43 PM browncorduroy: SERIOUSLY WHY IS DUMBLEDORE NOT MY TRAGICALLY GAY UNCLE
2:34:52 PM chrstofthemoment: OH MY GOD
2:34:53 PM chrstofthemoment: OH MY GOD
2:34:56 PM chrstofthemoment: THEY ARE ALL ANIMAGI
2:34:59 PM chrstofthemoment: WHAT THE FUCK
2:35:36 PM browncorduroy: THE BECAME ANIMAGI OUT OF LOYALTY TO LUPIN OH SHIT MY HEART
2:35:39 PM chrstofthemoment: also LOL AT SIRIUS
2:35:44 PM chrstofthemoment: Hurry up Lupin.
2:35:49 PM chrstofthemoment: I have a hair appointment.
2:35:59 PM chrstofthemoment: Oh and a murder appointment, too.
2:36:00 PM browncorduroy: i know right he’s all DUDE STOP IT WITH THE FUCKING SOB STORY ALREADY NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS
2:36:11 PM chrstofthemoment: for sirius black 4eva
2:36:29 PM chrstofthemoment: oh
2:36:31 PM chrstofthemoment: oh my god
2:36:32 PM chrstofthemoment: oh my god
2:36:35 PM chrstofthemoment: oh my god
2:36:44 PM chrstofthemoment: THEY MADE THE MARAUDER’S MAP
2:36:53 PM browncorduroy: YES THEY DID
2:36:55 PM chrstofthemoment: oh god it is so obvious now i am a mere simpleton how did i not see it
2:37:11 PM browncorduroy: that is ok there is a lot in this book to be distracted by because headasplode
2:37:23 PM browncorduroy: also wait does being deeply in love with sirius black make you a furry?
2:37:54 PM browncorduroy: i am not judging you btw, lupin is my boyfriend on the astral plane
2:38:04 PM chrstofthemoment: HASD;LFKJS;LFJAS;LFJASDKJ
2:38:12 PM chrstofthemoment: oh god i hope not
2:38:24 PM chrstofthemoment: WAIT
2:38:25 PM chrstofthemoment: WAIT
2:38:26 PM chrstofthemoment: WAIT
2:38:46 PM browncorduroy: YEAH
2:38:49 PM browncorduroy: ARE YOU UP TO THAT BIT YET
2:38:55 PM browncorduroy: SNAPE
2:39:22 PM chrstofthemoment: oh
2:39:23 PM chrstofthemoment: my god
2:39:25 PM chrstofthemoment: oh my god
2:39:27 PM chrstofthemoment: oh my god
2:39:28 PM chrstofthemoment: oh my god
2:39:32 PM chrstofthemoment: my brains
2:39:33 PM chrstofthemoment: are dead
2:39:33 PM browncorduroy: oeiasdjklfashfash
2:39:35 PM chrstofthemoment: they are dead
2:39:36 PM browncorduroy: I KNOW RIGHT
2:39:40 PM chrstofthemoment: i cannot function anymore
2:39:42 PM chrstofthemoment: oh my god
2:39:46 PM chrstofthemoment: SNAPE BACKSTORY
2:39:47 PM chrstofthemoment: and then
2:39:51 PM chrstofthemoment: POOF HE SHOWS UP
2:39:52 PM browncorduroy: SO FUCKING INTENSE
2:39:53 PM chrstofthemoment: oh my god
2:39:56 PM browncorduroy: LOL YOU SAID POOF
2:39:57 PM chrstofthemoment: i think i peed myself
2:40:01 PM chrstofthemoment: oh no wait
2:40:02 PM browncorduroy: ksadhqwjr3jqeåwpoiasløfhvsdfjldhskfrefghdsjfas
2:40:03 PM chrstofthemoment: i drooled
2:40:06 PM chrstofthemoment: i think that’s worse?
2:40:14 PM browncorduroy: probably
2:40:15 PM chrstofthemoment: i slammed the book down dramatically
2:40:17 PM chrstofthemoment: oh god
2:40:20 PM chrstofthemoment: now that I typed that
2:40:22 PM browncorduroy: but at least you won’t have to change your underwear
2:40:24 PM chrstofthemoment: I have to include it
2:40:27 PM browncorduroy: oh god
2:40:28 PM browncorduroy: qohiwueaslkdshadsd
2:40:31 PM chrstofthemoment: ok that is an awkward sentence
2:40:38 PM browncorduroy: i am sorry
2:40:45 PM browncorduroy: eakjlsdfhewopsdiøflkxzc
2:40:50 PM browncorduroy: omg what is wrong with us
2:40:51 PM browncorduroy: also
2:40:55 PM chrstofthemoment: wait
2:40:55 PM chrstofthemoment: wait
2:40:57 PM chrstofthemoment: so wait
2:41:08 PM chrstofthemoment: does that mean Snape was kind of lying about Harry’s dad?
2:41:19 PM chrstofthemoment: It sounds more like only Sirius Black was involved
2:41:20 PM browncorduroy: well he probably thought they were all in on it originally
2:41:25 PM browncorduroy: since the four of them were BFF
2:41:27 PM chrstofthemoment: oh god
2:41:28 PM chrstofthemoment: right
2:41:37 PM chrstofthemoment: so Snape hates by association
2:41:38 PM browncorduroy: and they were all basically bullying shits to him, including james
2:41:44 PM chrstofthemoment: which is why he hates Harry
2:41:47 PM browncorduroy: yeah
2:41:56 PM chrstofthemoment: oh god why are there so many tragic backstories in this series
2:42:08 PM browncorduroy: because it is a heartbreaking work of staggering genius
2:43:20 PM browncorduroy: also
2:43:22 PM browncorduroy: like
2:43:23 PM chrstofthemoment: jesus christ
2:43:26 PM browncorduroy: how fucked is your mind right now
2:43:47 PM chrstofthemoment: oh god how will i make it through the day
2:43:47 PM chrstofthemoment: also
2:43:52 PM chrstofthemoment: everyone was right
2:43:56 PM chrstofthemoment: I totally can’t stop.
2:44:04 PM browncorduroy: yeah
2:44:04 PM chrstofthemoment: I want to keep reading but I must resist.
2:44:19 PM browncorduroy: well honestly
2:44:24 PM browncorduroy: a lot is answered in the next chapter
2:44:42 PM browncorduroy: so if you read that it will be easier to resist reading the next one after that i think
2:44:50 PM browncorduroy: lol i am an enabler
2:45:07 PM chrstofthemoment: pretty much
2:45:22 PM chrstofthemoment: I was going to make a reference to that shitty heroin analogy from Twilight
2:45:29 PM chrstofthemoment: but that would have sullied our experience
2:45:34 PM browncorduroy: hasjdhsadjlwqkhasdwasdhjas
2:45:47 PM chrstofthemoment: oh god I am gonna go make tater tots or something
2:45:49 PM browncorduroy: no harry potter is more like crack
2:45:53 PM chrstofthemoment: i can hardly type
2:46:00 PM browncorduroy: oh god are you totally falling apart
2:47:02 PM chrstofthemoment: brb having a nervous breakdown
2:47:15 PM browncorduroy: it’s ok i am holding your hand on the astral plane
2:47:40 PM chrstofthemoment: hahahahahaha
2:47:41 PM chrstofthemoment: ok
2:47:48 PM chrstofthemoment: i actually am going to make tater tots
2:47:51 PM chrstofthemoment: and do the chapter 17 review
2:47:57 PM browncorduroy: what are tater tots
2:47:57 PM chrstofthemoment: the best part is that chapter 18 IS ALREADY DONE
2:48:00 PM chrstofthemoment: WHAT
2:48:01 PM chrstofthemoment: WHAT
2:48:01 PM chrstofthemoment: WHAT
2:48:02 PM chrstofthemoment: WHAT
2:48:03 PM chrstofthemoment: WHAT
2:48:07 PM chrstofthemoment: YOU DID NOT JUST ASK ME THAT
2:48:15 PM browncorduroy: don’t judge me i am foreign
2:48:25 PM chrstofthemoment: //www.pollsb.com/photos/o/29198-tater_tots.jpg
2:48:30 PM chrstofthemoment: they are potatoes
2:48:34 PM chrstofthemoment: in tot shape
2:48:39 PM browncorduroy: ok i gathered they were potatoes
2:48:42 PM browncorduroy: what the fuck is a “tot”
2:48:47 PM chrstofthemoment: hahahaha
2:48:53 PM chrstofthemoment: you know, like the word for a small child?
2:48:56 PM chrstofthemoment: a tot?
2:49:00 PM chrstofthemoment: so they’re small potatoes
2:49:03 PM browncorduroy: why do you eat potato babies
2:49:07 PM chrstofthemoment: baked to a crispy goodness.
2:49:10 PM browncorduroy: omg
2:49:17 PM browncorduroy: so basically you are symbolically eating fried infants
2:49:18 PM chrstofthemoment: because i am a godless sodomite, duh.
2:49:23 PM chrstofthemoment: well, clearly.
2:49:28 PM chrstofthemoment: Also i am including this in the review
2:49:36 PM chrstofthemoment: so people know that we actually talk like this all the time.
2:49:37 PM browncorduroy: that is wonderful
2:49:37 PM browncorduroy: ilseufkjahpfdawkljdas
2:49:44 PM chrstofthemoment: you’re internet famous
2:49:47 PM browncorduroy: oh god we are the best people ever
2:49:55 PM browncorduroy: fuck yes life goal #1: accomplished
2:51:06 PM chrstofthemoment: oh god yes
2:51:37 PM browncorduroy: i finally feel that i have worth as a human being
2:56:15 PM browncorduroy: also
2:56:37 PM browncorduroy: are people going to think i was raised by wolves because i don’t know what tator tots are
2:56:46 PM browncorduroy: lol raised by remus lupin omg i wish
2:58:54 PM chrstofthemoment: hahahahahahahahahahahahahah
3:00:43 PM browncorduroy: what he’s great if he was a character in a more ~conventional~ story
3:00:46 PM browncorduroy: or a REAL LIFE PERSON EVEN
3:00:53 PM browncorduroy: he’d be like, an alcoholic manic-depressive science teacher
3:01:04 PM browncorduroy: and i would bone him so hard fyi
3:01:19 PM chrstofthemoment: hahahahahahahahahah
3:01:22 PM chrstofthemoment: i believe you
3:01:28 PM browncorduroy: GOOD
