Mark Reads ‘Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban’: Chapter 17
In the seventeenth chapter of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, GIGANTIC HEAD EXPLOSION. Intrigued? Then it’s time for Mark to read Harry Potter.
CHAPTER 17: CAT, RAT, AND DOG
THIS IS AN ABSOLUTE REQUIREMENT. WE ARE HAVING A SECOND CAPS LOCK PARTY FOR HARRY POTTER. YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO COMMENT IF YOU DO NOT USE ALL CAPS OR I WILL CAST A SPELL ON YOU THAT PREVENTS YOU FROM TYPING.
DO IT. CAPS LOCK PARTY. NOW.
- Harry’s mind had gone blank with shock. The three of them stood transfixed with horror under the Invisibility Cloak. The very last rays of the setting sun were casting a bloody light over the long-shadowed grounds. Then, behind them, they heard a wild howling.
“Hagrid,” Harry muttered. Without thinking about what he was doing, he made to turn back, but both Ron and Hermione seized his arms.
“We can’t,” said Ron, who was paper-white. “He’ll be in worse trouble if they know we’ve been to see him….”
Hermione’s breathing was shallow and uneven.
“How–could–they?” she choked. “How could they?”
SEE, I THOUGHT THERE’D BE SOME MISDIRECT AND ROWLING WOULD BE ALL, “JUST KIDDING! BUCKBEAK IS ALIVE!” BUT NO, BUCKBEAK WAS EXECUTED. JESUS CHRIST, HOLD ME, GUYS.
- Too late–the rat had slipped between Ron’s clutching fingers, hit the ground, and scampered away. In one bound, Crookshanks sprang after him, and before Harry or Hermione could stop him, Ron had thrown the Invisibility Cloak off himself and pelted away in the darkness.
THIS IS A REALLY, REALLY BAD IDEA RON. YOU SHOULD REALLY STOP BECAUSE YOU ARE GOING TO MAKE THIS WORSE.
- But before they could cover themselves again, before they could even catch their breath, they heard the soft pounding of gigantic paws….Something was bounding toward them, quiet as a shadow–an enormous, pale-eyed, jet-black dog.
OH FUCK. THE GRIM. IT’S FUCKING REAL. AND NOW THEY CAN ALL SEE IT. THIS IS FUCKING HORRIBLE. ROWLING, WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME WHY WHY WHY .
- Ron was on his feet. As the dog sprang back toward them he pushed Harry aside; the dog’s jaws fastened instead around Ron’s outstretched arm. Harry lunged forward, he seized a handful of the brute’s hair, but it was dragging Ron away as easily as though he were a rag doll–
ROWLING, YOU ARE NOT FUCKING AROUND. OH MY GOD, MY HEART HURTS.
- Then, out of nowhere, something hit Harry so hard across the face he was knocked off his feet again. He heard Hermione shriek with pain and fall too.
Harry groped for his wand, blinking blood out of his eyes–
THIS IS SERIOUSLY TOO MUCH FOR ME. OH MY GOD.
- The wandlight showed him the trunk of a thick tree; they had chased Scabbers into the shadow of the Whomping Willow and its branches were creaking as though in a high wind, whipping backward and forward to stop them going nearer.
And there, at the base of the trunk, was the dog, dragging Ron backward into a large gap in the roots–Ron was fighting furiously, but his head and torso were slipping out of sight–
“Ron!” Harry shouted, trying to follow, but a heavy branch whipped lethally through the air and he was forced backward again.
All they could see now was one of Ron’s legs, which he had hooked around a root in an effort to stop the dog from pulling him farther underground–but a horrible crack cut the air like a gunshot; Ron’s leg had broken, and a moment later, his foot vanished from sight.
OH MY GOD. JESUS CHRIST. OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD THIS IS TOO INTENSE FOR ME. WHAT THE FUCK. ALSO, CHARACTERS ACTUALLY GET HURT IN THIS BOOK. OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING THIS IS ALL HAPPENING TOO FAST FOR ME.
- “Harry–we’ve got to go for help–” Hermione gasped; she was bleeding too; the Willow had cut her across the shoulder.
OH GOD, HERMIONE IS HURT AS WELL? OH GOD OH GOD THIS IS A DISASTER.
- Crookshanks darted forward. He slithered between the battering branches like a snake and placed his front paws upon a knot on the trunk.
Abruptly, as though the tree had been turned to marble, it stopped moving. Not a leaf twitched or shook.
“Crookshanks!” Hermione whispered uncertainly. She now grasped Harry’s arm painfully hard. “How did he know–?”
“He’s friends with that dog,” said Harry grimly. “I’ve seen them together. Come on–and keep your wand out–“
FYI, CROOKSHANKS IS GREATLY CONFUSING ME. HOW ON EARTH DOES THE CAT KNOW THAT? WHAT IS GOING ON? I DON’T LIKE THIS.
- “Harry,” she whispered, “I think we’re in the Shrieking Shack.”
Harry looked around. His eyes fell on a wooden chair near them. Large chunks had been torn out of it; one of the legs had been ripped off entirely.
“Ghosts didn’t do that,” he said slowly.
OMG THE SHRIEKING SHACK. ALSO, THIS IS A REALLY, REALLY, REALLY BAD IDEA.
- At that moment, there was a creak overhead. Something had moved upstairs. Both of them looked up at the ceiling. Hermione’s grip on Harry’s arm was so tight he was losing feeling in his fingers. He raised his eyebrows at her; she nodded again and let go.
PLEASE DON’T GO UP THE STAIRS. JESUS, THIS IS SUCH A TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE IDEA.
- Quietly as they could, they crept out into the hall and up the crumbling staircase.
WHAT DID I JUST SAY? OH MY GOD, THIS IS GOING TO BE SO BAD. OH MY GOD PLEASE STOP.
- On a magnificent four-poster bed with dusty hangings lay Crookshanks, purring loudly at the sight of them. On the floor beside him, clutchin his leg, which stuck out at a strange angle, was Ron.
Harry and Hermione dashed across to him.
“Ron–are you okay?”
“Where’s the dog?”
“Not a dog,” Ron moaned. His teeth were gritted with pain. “Harry, it’s a trap–“
“He’s the dog…he’s an Animagus….”
WHAT THE FUCK
WHAT THE FUCK
WHAT THE FUCK
- Ron was satring over Harry’s shoulder. Harry wheeled around. With a snap, the man in the shadows closed the door behind them.
A mass of filthy, matted hair hung to his elbows. If eyes hadn’t been shining out of the deep, dark sockets, he might have been a corpse. The waxy skin was stretch so tightly over the bones of his face, it looked like a skull. His yellow teeth were bared in a grin. It was Sirius Black.
JESUS FUCKING CHRIST WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK OH MY GOD.
- The taunt about his father rang in harry’s ears as though Black had bellowed it. A boiling hate erupted in Harry’s chest, leaving no place for fear. For the first time in his life, he wanted his wand back in his hand, not to defend himself, but to attack…to kill. Without knowing what he was doing, he started forward, but there was a sudden movement on either side of him and two pairs of hands grabbed him and held him back….”No, Harry!” Hermione gasped in a petrified whisper; Ron, however, spoke to Black.
SHIT IS GETTING SO REAL. I CANNOT HANDLE THIS.
- “Did you hear me?” Ron said weakly, though he was clinging painfully to Harry to stay upright. “You’ll have to kill all three of us!”
OH GOD RON, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.
- “There’ll be only one murder here tonight,” said Black, and his grin widened.
OH GOD OH NO THIS IS TERRIBLE.
- “HE KILLED MY MUM AND DAD!” Harry roared, and with a huge effort he broke free of Hermione’s and Ron’s restraint and lunged forward–
He had forgotten about magic–he had forgotten that he was short and skinny and thirteen, whereas Black was a tall, full-grown man–all Harry knew was that he wanted to hurt Black as badly as he could and that he didn’t care how much he got hurt in return–
- “You killed my parents,” said Harry, his voice shaking slightly, but his wand hand quite steady.
Black stared up at him out of those sunken eyes.
“I don’t deny it,” he said very quietly. “But if you knew the whole story.”
“The whole story?” Harry repeated, a furious pounding in his ears. “You sold them to Voldemort. That’s all I need to know.”
“You’ve got to listen to me,” Black said, and there was a note of urgency in his voice now. “You’ll regret it if you don’t….You don’t understand….”
OH GOD, PLEASE DO NOT LET THIS BE LIKE THE SNAPE BACKSTORY, WHERE SIRIUS IS KIND OF JUSTIFIED IN HIS ACTIONS. OH GOD DO NOT WANT OH GOD.
- The door of the room burst open in a shower of red sparks and Harry wheeled around as Professor Lupin came hurtling into the room, his face bloodless, his wand raised and ready. His eyes flickered over Ron, lying on the floor, over Hermione, cowering next to the door, to Harry, standing there with his wand covering Black, and then to Black himself, crumpled and bleeding at Harry’s feet.
OH MY GOD LUPIN IS HERE OH MY GOD WHAT IS GOING ON.
- Then Lupin spoke, in a very tense voice.
“Where is he, Sirius?”
Harry looked quickly at Lupin. He didn’t understand what Lupin meant. Who was Lupin talking about? He turned to look at Black again.
Black’s face was quite expressionless. For a few seconds, he didn’t move at all. Then, very slowly, he raised his empty hand and pointed straight at Ron. Mystified, Harry glanced at Ron, who looked bewildered.
WAIT WHAT THE HELL?????? WHAT? WHAT IS RON? WHAT? WHATHSDJHFKLJSDFHKJHLDF
- “Professor,” Harry interrupted loudly, “what’s going on–?”
But he never finished the question, because what he saw made his voice die in his throat. Lupin was lowering his wand, gazing fixedly at Black. The Professor walked to Black’s side, seized his hand, pulled him to his feet so that Crookshanks fell to the floor, and embraced Black like a brother.
Harry felt as though the bottom had dropped out of his stomach.
“I DON’T BELIEVE IT!” Hermione screamed.
WHAT THE EVERLIVING FUCK IS GOING ON WHAT THE FUCK
- “I didn’t tell anyone!” Hermione shrieked. “I’ve been covering up for you–“
WHAT THE SHIT?!!?!?!?!!? WHAT IS GOING ON OH MY GOD
- “You’re wrong,” said Lupin. “I haven’t been Sirius’s friend, but I am now–Let me explain….”
YEAH COULD YOU NOT? WHAT THE FUCK?!?!!?!?!!?
- “NO!” Hermione screamed. “Harry, don’t trust him, he’s been helping Black get into the castle, he wants you dead too–he’s a werewolf!”
OH. OH MY GOD.
WHAT THE FUCK????
- “Not at all up to your usual standard, Hermione,” he said. “Only one out of three, I’m afraid. I have not been helping Sirius get into the castle and I certainly don’t want Harry dead….” An odd shiver passed over his face. “But I won’t deny that I am a werewolf.”
MIND IS OFFICIALLY BLOWN. HIS LAST NAME IS FUCKING LUPIN. HOW DID I NOT SEE THIS? OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK.
- Lupin stopped dead. Then, with an obvious effort, he turned to Hermione and said, “How long have you known?”
“Ages,” Hermione whispered. “Since I did Professor Snape’s essay….”
“He’ll be delighted,” said Lupin cooly. “He assigned that essay hoping someone would realize what my symptoms meant….Did you check the lunar chart and realize I was always ill at the full moon? Or did you realize that the boggart changed into the moon when it saw me?”
“Both,” Hermione said quietly.
OH MY GOD, SNAPE KNOWS? AND THE ILLNESS. AND THE ORB MOON! OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD ;ALKSDFJA;SDLFJ;LASDFJ;ALFJKS
- “There,” said Lupin, sticking his own wand back into his belt. “You’re armed, we’re not. Now will you listen?”
Harry didn’t know what to think. Was it a trick?
“If you haven’t been helping him,” he said, with a furious glance at Black, “how did you know he was here?”
“The map,” said Lupidn. “The Marauder’s Map. I was in my office examining it–“
“You know how to work it?” Harry said suspiciously.
“Of course I know how to work it,” said Lupin, waving his hand impatiently. “I helped write it. I’m Moony–that was my friends’ nickname for me at school.”
OH MY JESUS FUCK I CANNOT HANDLE ANOTHER MIND-MELTING REVELATION. THIS IS INSANE. OH MY GOD, IT MAKES PERFECT SENSE, HOLY FUCK.
- “The number of times I saw James disappearing under it….” said Lupin, waving an impatient hand again. “The point is, even if you’re wearing an Invisibility Cloak, you still show up on the Marauder’s Map. I watched you cross the grounds and enter Hagrid’s hut. Twenty minutes later, you left Hagrid, and set off back toward the castle. But you were now accompanied by somebody else.”
“What?” said Harry. “No, we weren’t!”
“I couldn’t believe my eyes,” said Lupin, still pacing, ignoring Harry’s interruption. “I thought the map must be malfunctioning. How could he be with you?”
WHAT?? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? SIRIUS BLACK??? OH MY GOD WHAT
- “And then I saw another dot, moving fast toward you, labeled Sirius Black….I saw him collide with you; I watched as he pulled two of you into the Whomping Willow–”
“One of us!” Ron said angrily.
“No, Ron,” said Lupin. “Two of you.”
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
- “Do you think I could have a look at the rat?” he said evenly.
“What?” said Ron. “What’s Scabbers got to do with it?”
“Everything,” said Lupin. “Could I see him please?”
I LITERALLY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IS GOING ON. WHAT THE FUCK.
- “What?” Ron said again, holding Scabbers close to him, looking scared. “What’s my rat got to do with anything?”
“That’s not a rat,” croaked Sirius Black suddenly.
“What d’you mean–of course he’s a rat–“
“No, he’s not,” said Lupin quietly. “He’s a wizard.”
“An Animagus,” said Black, “by the name of Peter Pettigrew.”