Mark Reads ‘Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban’: Chapter 15
In the fifteenth chapter of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Ron and Hermione grow, Harry sees a Grim (maybe?), and the battle for the Quidditch Cup gets really ugly. Intrigued? Then it’s time for Mark to read Harry Potter.
CHAPTER 15: THE QUIDDITCH FINAL
HELLO, FELLOW HOGWARTS STUDENTS AND PROFESSORS! It’s your friendly announcer, LEE JORDAN, here to provide you with by-the-moment commentary on the most exciting of chapters here in The Prisoner of Azkaban. WE HAVE FINALLY ARRIVED AT THE MOMENT WHEN GRYFFINDOR WILL ASCEND TO VICTORY AGAINST…ahem..Slytherin. IT IS WRITTEN IN THE STARS! GRYFFINDOR HAS TO TRIUMPH OVER….ahem…Slytherin. IT IS DESTINED.
But first, a little set-up for these events. If you recall, Hermione just notified Harry and Ron that the committee chose to WRONGLY SENTENCE BUCKBEAK TO DEATH.
Those NO GOOD, SLIMEY, MOTHERF–oops, sorry Professor McGonagall! Just getting out of hand a bit, gotta tell it like it is, you know? Just telling it like it is, madam.
It’s Hagrid’s tear-stained letter that finally…OH MY GOD, IT’S TRUE! RON AND HERMIONE HAVE FINALLY APOLOGIZED TO EACH OTHER! THEY ARE HUGGING! OH MY GOD, THE CROWD IS GOING WILD! I can’t believe we’ve finally reached this momentous occasion, after chapters and chapters of bickering. IT HAS FINALLY HAPPENED.
Hermione’s newfound happiness at resolving her feud with Ron also helps her stand up to Malfoy. Malfoy’s making fun of Hagrid right now…calling him pathetic??? Oh, you stupid son of a b—sorry, Professor, I’ll watch my language, just a bit excited–
OH. OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! HERMIONE HAS GONE IN FOR THE SLAP! GRYFFINDOR IS GOING WILD! OH MY FUCKING GOD—wait, wait, wait, it won’t happen again, Professor McGonagall! I promise! I promise!
Well, folks, sorry about that! Just a brief interruption. Won’t happen again, won’t happen again…Malfoy’s gone away without retaliating and our Gryffindor heroes are now heading to Charms class, but…hold on a second, folks, Hermione’s made a shocking movement….she’s NO LONGER IN CLASS? WHERE DID SHE GO TO? Oh god, she is missing CHEERING CHARMS, FOLKS! Do you realize what this means?
They’re moving from class back to the Gryffindor common rooms….AND THERE’S HERMIONE! SHE’S RIGHT THERE, FOLKS! And could it be….SHE’S ASLEEP??? HERMIONE MISSED A CLASS? Good god, this is A DAY FOR THE BOOKS! Hermione Granger has ACTUALLY MISSED A CLASS. My god, my god!
Hold on, folks, I’m getting an update…they’re moving to Divination class! This is going to be riveting, absolutely riveting, I can only wonder what Professor Trelawney is going to do this time…OH MY GOD. CRYSTAL BALLS. THEY ARE USING CRYSTAL BALLS, FOLKS. The game has changed; these are being introduced earlier than usual in these type of classes and…FOLKS, THIS IS ABSOLUTELY BONKERS! HERMIONE IS OPENLY CRITICIZING PROFESSOR TRELAWNEY’S CLASS!
FOLKS, THIS IS A BIG DAY FOR US. THIS IS SO GOD DAMN EXCITI–no, no, Professor McGonagall, don’t take away my microphone, it won’t happen again, I promise, I promise, it’s not goin–OH MY GOD, HERMIONE HAS JUST CALLED OUT TRELAWNEY FOR ALWAYS SEEING A GRIM IN HARRY’S FUTURE. Good god, THIS IS THE REAL SHIT HERE, KIDS.
Sorry, sorry, I’ve got to watch my language. We’ve got some youngin’s in the audience, don’t we. OH GOD HERMIONE IS NOW LEAVING CLASS! SHE IS LITERALLY WALKING OUT OF CLASS IN PROTEST. This is an important day, my friends, THIS IS AN IMPORTANT DAY.
I need a moment to breath. How are you feeling today, fellow Gryffindors? Are you excited for the upcoming Quidditch Final? What’s that, Professor? Harry just what? Hold on, everyone, I’ve just gotten news that–yes, indeed it is true. Harry just spotted–wait, what was that? Crookshanks AND a Grim? And Crookshanks can apparently see the Grim as well?
Is this a sign for the upcoming Quidditch match? We can only wonder, folks.
It’s moving towards morning and our fellow Gryffindors are preparing to take the field. God, I can feel the electricity in the air. And now…is this my part? Is this where I make my only appearance in these books? That’s ok, folks, because I love doing this commentary for you! But only for you guys, NOT Slytherin.
Just kidding, Professor, heh, just playing. Just adding some comedy to my routine, you know? Just changing things up.
OH DRAT, THE GAME HAS STARTED WITHOUT ME! Folks, pay attention, this should be a rough game. AND GRYFFINDOR IS OFF TO A GREAT START! ANGELINA HAS SCORED! Oh my gosh, guys, THIS IS JUST SO EXCITING! I AM LITERALLY SCREAMING INTO THE MICROPHONE SO LOUDLY THAT IT’S PROBABLY JUST COMING OUT AS INCOMPREHENSIBLE STATIC ON YOUR END! But I don’t care because GRYFFINDOR!!1!!!!11
Oh my god YOU DIRTY, FILTHY, SLYTHERIN SON OF WHORE ASS BUCKET FUCK FACE BUM HEAD YOU ARE A CHEATER.
Whoa, whoa, whoa…Got carried away there…sorry Professor McGonagall…I know, I know, I promise it won’t happen again, not even a little slip, I promi–OH MY GOD, GRYFFINDOR SCORES A PENALTY GOAL oh my god oh my god OH MY GOD THIS IS AMAZING. In fact, it’s so amazing that during the game, I routinely yell evil things at Slytherin JUST LIKE I AM ABOUT TO DO NOW BECAUSE OH MY GOD, I REALLY HATE SLYTHERIN AND I AM DEFINITELY BIASED AGAINST THEM FOR ANY NUMBER OF REASONS AND SERIOUSLY, I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY DUMBLEDORE EVEN LETS THESE DREGS OF SOCIETY ATTEND THE SCHOOL WHEN THEY NEVER, EVER CONTRIBUTE ANYTHING WORTHWHILE TO ANYTHING.
Oh. Did I say that outloud? Woops, my fault. Sorry for that folks. Sorry for that. What’s the score? Seventy-to-twenty, you say? And the Slytherin team is doing everything they can to physically harm the Gryffindors? Why am I not surprised?
Wait, folks. FOLKS. FOLKS. LOOK. LOOK! MALFOY CAN’T SEE IT BUT HARRY SEES IT! OH MY GOD HE’S GOING FOR IT, HE’S GOING…..OH MY GOD1!!1!!!!!!!!
OH MY FUCKING GOD, FOLKS, HARRY JUST CAPTURED THE FUCKING SNITCH AND THE GRYFFINDOR TEAM HAS WON THE QUIDDITCH CUP FOR THE FIRST TIME IN YEARS! I AM GOING TO GO KILL MYSELF BECAUSE THIS IS THE HIGHEST POINT IN MY LIFE AND EVERYTHING IS MOST CERTAINLY GOING TO BE DOWNHILL FROM HERE oh my god OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON oh my god
ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmyyyyyyyyyyggggggggggooooooooooooooddddddd my name is lee jordan and i cannot breathe.