Heidi Montag, Ke$ha, BP and More: The Top Ten Despicable Things This Year
In honor of this Friday’s release of Despicable Me and because pretty much all we do in the office is sit around complaining about how awful everything is, here is a list of the top 10 most despicable things that have gone down this year so far (and it’s only July, god save us all).
1. The BP Oil Spill
Since we weren’t witnessing enough havoc and destruction with just natural disasters (although Katrina and the Haiti Earthquake did give it the old college try) BP was kind enough to unleash a catastrophe of biblical proportions upon the ocean. Not to be outdone, Shell is said to have something involving locusts and a man-made plague in the works.
2. New Arizona Immigration Law
So now in Arizona if you are sort of tan and carrying a delicious taco, you better be prepared to be thrown in the slammer. In other news, being black is now illegal in Alabama, Mississippi, and Florida.
3. The Montag Monster
Oh, Heidi. If humanity was measured in cup size, you would be a veritable Mother Teresa for our generation of degenerate lost souls. Unfortunately, all you have amounted to is a cautionary tale of the dangers of reality tv (with those insipid Pretty Wild sisters below and an army of Bachelor/Bachelorettes bringing up the rear) whose face’s excruciating attempts at displaying any kind of emotion have brought tears to the eyes of people whose eyes can actually still cry.
4. Montana Tries To Make Being Gay Illegal
Wait, Montana is still a state?
5. Pretty Wild
I only watched like two episodes of this show, but here is what I was able to glean: the girls are homeschooled by their perpetually surprised looking mother based on the teachings of The Secret, they practice pole dancing on a specially installed pole in their home, and they cry all the time. One has a become a Playboy Cyber Girl and the other is in jail for robbing celebrities so I can safely assume The Secret totally works. I’m off to make a vision board.
I think this picture says it all.
7. The Last Airbender
Oh good M. Night whatever your name is we were thinking that maybe after Signs and Unbreakable we were going to lose you to the land of directors nobody will hire ever again ever, but nope, you popped back up with this titilating romp through racism, bad special effects, and New Age nonsense fit for a digiridoo toting yoga mat owning Gypsy King aficionado. See Aviva’s post on the six or so people who actually enjoyed this film HERE.
8. Party Down Being Cancelled
No it’s cool TV we don’t really need good shows that are funny and insightful, we’re totally happy with The City and Two and a Half Men and reruns of Everybody Loves Raymond.
9. Arrested Development Still Not A Feature Film
Again, it’s ok, we’re totally content with When In Rome, The Spy Next Door, and SATC 2.
10. Sonic Still Allowed to Nationally Broadcast Commercials When There Is Still Not One Within 20 Miles Of My House
Damn you cherry limeade, why do you continue to elude me!