Tacky Twilight Thursdays, Eclipse Edition: Various Horrors of the Interwebs

Not all of the horrors of Eclipse merch can be found in one or two stores. Oh no, sometimes, one must search out true evil in order to confront and conquer it.

Or write snarky blogs about it, which is absolutely like conquest in my world view.

The first thing I want to get out of the way is a New Moon item that slipped my notice when that movie came out, but had to be talked about here.

So, that’s a hoodie. Okay.

With a picture of Taylor Lautner as Jacob Black.

With the words “It’s a Wolf Thing!” on it.


So, just about any two of these things combined would have made for a cute shirt. But all four? That’s just a BIT too much, don’t you think? No? Okay, then.

Anyway, let’s move on to the Eclipse party. You ready to party? Well, we’ll need a plastic tablecloth of some sort. Oh, lookie:

Just what we were looking for!

And hey, if we’re gonna throw a party, we’re gonna need GAMES, right? Well, how about this?

Twilight Saga Scene It? DELUXE edition!

Um, call me crazy here (and I know you do already) but…isn’t there still another movie to come out in the series? Wait, actually, two movies since Breaking Dawn is officially gonna be split in half.

So that means that the people who run out and buy THIS version of the game will still have to buy a NEW VERSION once Breaking Dawn 1 and 2 have released? Jesus, I know we’re in the middle of a recession and you’ve gotta do what you gotta do, but do you REALLY have to abuse the merch hungry Twilight fans THIS MUCH? I kinda feel about them the way I feel about a cat that keeps walking into a wall: I want to help it, really, but is there anything I can do? ‘Cause as soon as I move it, it’ll just find another wall to walk into.

Well, at least there’s OTHER games to keep them occupied. Like the Eclipse Board Game.

But how, praytell, does one make a board game out of a movie based on a book where nothing really happens? Well, the description we get from the manufacturer states:

How much do you know about The Twilight Saga: Eclipse? To play, you must answer questions about the movie, complete Eclipse challenges, and travel the board covered in movie images. Once you move into the inner ring of the board you will need to defeat Newborns and Victoria in order to collect Scenes 1- 8 to win. The playing board and cards contain over 100 images from the new film and sculpted Cullen Crest and Volturi Crest Moving pieces.

What in the blue hell is an “Eclipse challenge?” “Break your hand trying to fend off a guy who’s attracted to you and it’s all your fault you little HUSSIE!”? “Remove the engine from someone’s car and then tell them it’s for their own good!”? “Find a person of color and give them a ‘Vampire Make-Over’ using the included 100% Pale Caucasian colored foundation!”?

Oh well. At least there’s not a trading card game.



Oh, wait. They’re just TRADING cards, it’s not a CCG. ‘Cause awhile back I imagined what THAT would look like.

Nope, just trading cards. And you can even buy them in bulk!

But what if trading cards aren’t really YOUR type of cards? Hmmm? Oh, well. Then there’s these!

Eclipse credit cards!

They’re actually prepaid and more like gift cards than actual credit cards. But I still reserve the right to feel this is utterly effing ridiculous.

But you’re going to need something to put them in. Like…wallets!

You know what REALLY tends to get to me about a lot of the Twilight merch in general? It’s the SAME three or four promo shots of each character splashed across EVERYTHING. As much as I rip on the clothing and such, I’ll at least give credit to the stuff that shies away from just splashing shot #2 of RPatz on the chest of a shirt and writing something like “HOLY FUCKING SHIT DAZZLE!” on it.

And I’ve gotta give credit to the Eclipse Barbies as well. Because Alice and Victoria are now Barbie Girls. In a Barbie World. Life in plastic.


Honestly? Kinda cute. But not the best item of the week. Oh no.


The French movie poster for Eclipse. See, I didn’t realize what they’d translated the title into for the French release. I figured it’d just be Éclipse. But I was WRONG.

It’s the French word for “hesitation.” As in “Hesitate before you see this movie.”


It’s not just because they’re Eclipse Body Stickers. It’s also because they’re ugly.

Join me next week folks for our grand finale: I take on the exclusive Hot Topic Eclipse line. You’ve been warned.