Mark Reads ‘Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets’: Chapter 17

In the seventeenth chapter of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, Harry comes face to face with the true Heir to Slytherin…and it’s the last person Harry suspected. Unfortunately, the suspense and shock wears off pretty quickly as the conflict’s resolution feels strangely like a book that was already written by the same author. Intrigued? Then it’s time for Mark to read Harry Potter.


Where am I again? I don’t remember. It’s been a rough day for me, don’t you see? I’m still trying to figure out who I am and what brought me here.

What’s that, you say? Who? That’s not my name, is it? Who calls themselves “Gilderoy”? Am I knight sitting around a table planning battle advances with my fellow battalion? What is this?

I suppose this is what I am stuck with. This is what they call me and I surely am not going to devise an alternate namesake with which to refer myself to.

So…what am I doing? Reading what? And I’ve actually done this before? Are you sure? Why on earth would I willingly volunteer to take over this sort of project? If someone else is writing it, it doesn’t make sense why I’d butt in.

Oh. Really? That’s what kind of person I am? Or….was? I don’t even know how to refer to myself anymore. I suppose I’ll have to figure that out, too.

So let’s get through with this. You’ll give me a bit of leeway since I don’t remember most of this, ok? I appreciate it.

So…our “Harry Potter” has entered the Chamber of Secrets and there are pillars and stones everywhere and statues of snakes. Who likes snakes? I find them pretty icky.

He finds his friend Ginny down there. Or so I’m told they’re friends. And there’s someone else in the Chamber by the name of…Tom Riddle? Is this a serious sentence? Does he tell Riddles? I thought “Gilderoy” was bad. Wait…no, it’s still fairly terrible.

So who’s this Riddle guy? What’s that? He did what??? That’s quite despicable if you asked me. I don’t imagine Harry is too happy to learn that he was just tricked by a diary that talks back to him through ghost ink.

Wait…he’s not actually a ghost? He’s just a memory? I don’t understand any of this.

Wait…this Riddle fool actually controlled Ginny via the diary? Why? Why not just do it himself? Oh, I guess it would be a good way to blame everything on someone else, but it’s terribly melodramatic, don’t you think?

Oh. He also got Hagrid in trouble? This guy’s a big fan of using other people to do his dirty work. Why am I reading this again? I have a whole identity I need to rediscover and you have me reading a children’s book?

Ugh. Anyway. Let’s keep going. I’m still confused. Why did Riddle go through all this trouble to trick multiple people into opening this Chamber, killing and harming students, and getting Hogwarts shut down? I am a simple man right now and I understand next to nothing. Doesn’t this all seem just a tad too overcomplicated to any of you? It sort of feels like it’s complicated simply to be complicated.

Wait, there was another book before this one? Was I in that one? Oh, whew. Ok. I don’t want to have to read hundreds of pages just to learn who I am. Was. Am? Bah.

Is Riddle still explaining his intentions in an overdramatic tongue? Can I just skip ahead? Just one page, that’s all. Just a little bit closer to the end, if that’s ok. Where am I in this book? It’s coming. Sheesh, ok, ok, I’ll be patient. I promise.

What’s this? Tom Riddle’s name is actually a riddle itself? Wait…so he’s actually the super villain himself? I don’t understand this at all. So…wait, he was at the end of the last book, too? Are all these books going to end with a fight between Harry Potter and Lord Voldemort?

Ok, hold on…what is this? A phoenix named Fawkes just flew in the room? And it just gave Harry a hat? Look, friends, this guy is basically dead. How on earth are you supposed to fight a guy who is a physical manifestation of a memory in a diary whose name is an anagram of the most worse evil bad guy ever?

Game over, Harry!

Oh drat, a big snake just fell out of a statue’s mouth. Clearly, there is no way this Harry Potter can win. Riddle can write riddles and make stones vomit snakes. He’s definitely going to win.

Except…the bird? The bird can look into the snake’s eyes without turning to stone? That doesn’t seem fair, especially since I’ve just been told a ghost was turned to stone. Ghosts are vulnerable to this…basil-named thingy, but birds aren’t? What science is this author working behind? I suppose this is all wizardry anyway, but still. Still!

Wait. Wait. Wait. Folks, this book has gone a bit too far. Harry just pulled a sword out of his hat. His hat. I suppose if Riddle can make a stone face throw up a basil snake, it’s not too much of a stretch that Harry could pull a sword from his hat.

Am I in this chapter at all or did you trick me just so I would read it?

Ok…wait. So Harry stabs the basil-snake with his sword, accidentally gets bit, but then the crying bird cures it? Really? And then Harry stabs the diary with the snake fang and that kills Memory Voldemort? Really?

Sigh. Where am I? This is kind of anticlimactic, don’t you think? Am I on the next page?

I’m skipping ahead a couple pages. What’s my last name? Lockhart? Who wrote this? At least I’m not named, “Gilderoy Riddle.”

Ah!!! I see my name.

  • “His memory’s gone,” said Ron. “The Memory Charm backfired. Hit him instead of us. Hasn’t got a clue who he is, or where he is, or who we are. I told him to come and wait here. He’s a danger to himself.”

Wait….what? That’s how I ended up this way? I can cast spells? And they can backfire????

So…what do I do now? Return back to my life? I’ve been told I wrote books…lots of them. Hmmm. Perhaps I should read these books to learn what I did in my life! That’s a good idea. Do you have any of these books? Was I a great wizard?

I guess I’ll just have to read my own books. And stop reading this trite nonsense. Vomiting statues? Please. I bet I did better.