Mark Reads ‘Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets’: Chapter 15

In the fifteenth chapter of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, Harry is determined to take Hagrid’s advice and “follow the spiders,” but Ron isn’t too keen on risking his life. When Lockhart inspires them to take action, they discover the importance of the spiders and what’s in the Chamber of Secrets. Sort of. Intrigued? Then it’s time for Mark to read Harry Potter.

CHAPTER 15: ARAGOG

I so desperately need to read ahead right now. Because my brain is mush and it hurts and what is happening.

I didn’t expect these books to be so suspenseful, to be completely honest with you guys. And even if I don’t think this book is executed as well as the last one, I’ve got to hand it to Rowling. This shit is keeping me on the edge of my seat. I’m a grown man and I’m frightened by…well, we’ll get to that.

• Harry and Ron had tried to visit Hermione, but visitors were now barred from the hospital wing.

Which sucks. A lot. Harry and Ron’s dedication to Hermione is SO WONDERFUL and we can all only hope we get friends AS AWESOME AS THEM.

A thought: if you’re Petrified, are you awake? Can you hear and feel things but just not move? Hmmm.

• They were hampered, of course, by the fact that they weren’t allowed to wander off on their own but had to move around the castle in a pack with the other Gryffindors. Most of their fellow students seemed glad that they were being shepherded from class to class by teachers, but Harry found it very irksome.

get it guys it’s a metaphor for how Harry is totally punk rock

But seriously, this is such a rad theme to introduce to kids: that sometimes you have to be the odd one out to follow your heart.

Oh, right. This is a kid’s book. This will get very disturbing, very soon.

• “I’m quite surprised the Mudbloods haven’t all packed their bags by now,” Malfoy went on. “Bet you five Galleons the next one dies. Pity it wasn’t Granger–“

As much as I believe there’s more to Draco than this type of baseless racism, he doesn’t get to be off the hook. So:

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

• Harry went to tip an armful of withered stalks onto the compost heap and found himself face-to-face with Ernie Macmillan. Ernie took a deep breath and said, very formally, “I just want to say, Harry, that I’m sorry I ever suspected you. I know you’d never attack Hermione Granger, and I apologize for all the stuff I said. We’re all in the same boat now, and, well–” He held out a pudgy hand, and Harry shook it.

awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww maybe there is hope in this world. or maybe not dun dun dun

• “My dear young man, the Minister of Magic wouldn’t have taken Hagrid if he hadn’t been one hundred percent sure that he was guilty,” said Lockhart, in the tone of someone explaining that one and one made two.

  “Oh, yes he would,” said Ron, even more loudly than Dean.

  “I flatter myself I know a touch more about Hagrid’s arrest than you do, Mr. Weasley,” said Lockhart in a self-satisfied tone.

My god, please tell me this is the last book Lockhart is in. ffffffffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

So Harry and Ron gear up, grab the Invisibility Cloak, take Fang, and head to the Forbidden Forest, where they’d seen the spiders marching off to during Herbology class. And then…….oh god.

• They listened. Some distance to their right, the something big was snapping branches as it carved a path through the trees.

Remember, THIS BOOK IS FOR KIDS WHO ARE LIKE, TWELVE. Oh my god, I would have peed myself as a child reading this.

But it turns out it’s just Mr. Weasley’s car, still bewitched and still with a life of it’s own. This is slightly confusing to me; if the car was always in the Forbidden Forest, how’d they tie it to Arthur Weasley and get him fined?

• Ron didn’t speak. He didn’t move. His eyes were fixed on a point some ten feet above the forest floor, right behind Harry. His face was livid with terror.

  Harry didn’t even have time to turn around. There was a loud clicking noise and suddenly he felt something long and hairy seize him around the middle and lift him off the ground, so that he was hanging facedown. Struggling, terrified, he heard more clicking, and saw Ron’s legs leave the ground, too, heard Fang whimpering and howling–next moment, he was being swept away into the dark trees.

holy god WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME, JK ROWLING. Look, spiders are already pretty darn creepy and NOW THEY ARE GIANT CREATURES ROAMING THE FORST? oh god why why whyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

• Craning his neck sideways, he realized that they had reached the ridge of a vast hollow, a hollow that had been cleared of trees, so that the stars shone brightly onto the worst scene he’d ever laid eyes on.

  Spiders. Not tiny spiders like those surging over the leaves below. Spiders the size of carthorses, eight-eyed, eight-legged, black, hairy, gigantic. The massive specimen that was carrying Harry made its way down the steep slope toward a misty, domed web in the very center of the hollow, while its fellows closed in all around it, clicking their pincers excitedly at the sight of its load.

No, seriously, this is absolutely terrifying. WHAT THE HELL oh my god.

• Harry suddenly realized that the spider that had dropped him was saying something. it had been hard to tell, because he clicked his pincers with every word he spoke.

oh my god TALKING, CLICKING SPIDERS someone come put me out of my misery right now.

• “But that was years ago,” said Aragog fretfully. “Years and years ago. I remember it well. That’s why they made him leave the school. They believed that I was the monster that dwells in what they call the Chamber of Secrets. They thought that Hagrid had opened the Chamber and set me free.”

  “And you…you didn’t come from the Chamber of Secrets?” said Harry, who could feel cold sweat on his forehead.

holy shit WHAT THE FUCK??!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?

• “So you never–never attacked anyone?”

  “Never,” croaked the old spider. “It would have been my instinct, but out of respect for Hagrid, I never harmed a human. The body of a girl who was killed was discovered in a bathroom. I never saw any part of the castle but the cupboard in which I grew up. Our kind like the dark and the quiet…”

my brain literally cannot process this insanity. THEN WHAT IS IN THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS????

• “The thing that lives in the castle,” said Aragog, “is an ancient creature we spiders fear above all others. Well do I remember how I pleaded with Hagrid to let me go, when I sensed the beast moving about the school.”

oh god WHAT IS IT.

• “We do not speak of it!” said Aragog fiercely. We do not name it! I never even told Hagrid the name of that dread creature, though he asked me, many times.”

oh jesus JUST TELL ME ALREADY.

• “My sons and daughters do not harm hagrid, on my command. But I cannot deny them fresh meat, when it wanders so willingly into our midst. Good-bye, friend of Hagrid.”

lk;as;klfsjdf;lkajsf;asl WHYY HOLY SHIT RUN AWAY.

I don’t like the next part. Mr. Weasley’s bewitched Muggle car saves Ron, Harry, and Fang. It’s too deus ex machina for me. (Funny that it’s actually a machine.) It feels like such a cop-out of a solution to the spider death. That being said, I AM GLAD THEY DID NOT GET EATEN BY SPIDERS.

• “Ron–that girl who died. Aragog said she was found in a bathroom,” said Harry, ignoring Neville’s snuffling snores from the corner. “What if she never left the bathroom? What if she’s still there?”

  Ron rubbed his eyes, frowning through the moonlight. And then he understood, too.

  “You don’t think–not Moaning Myrtle?“

OH MY GOD i cannot believe this THIS IS INSANE.

While I go freak out, HP fan and MRHP commentor redroses2 shared this with me:

The Harry Potter Alliance, which is a charity organization that strives for equality, literacy, and the end of genocide, could possibly win $250,000 if they get enough votes! //bit.ly/hpaFTW Vote for them on Facebook and help us out!

Vote. Vote. Vote.

Also, I finish Chamber of Secrets on MONDAY. That means we have a new liveblog next week, too! AHHHHHHHH SO EXCITING.