Mark Reads ‘Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets’: Chapter 11

In the eleventh chapter of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, everything just became so exciting and awesome and omg PARSELMOUTH. Intrigued? Then it’s time for Mark to read Harry Potter.

CHAPTER 11: THE DUELING CLUB

God, like EIGHTY BILLION THINGS JUST HAPPENED. How do I talk about them all? omg is it list time? It looks like it’s list time.

Everything In Chapter 11 of Chamber of Secrets That Rules

That is the worst list title of all time, but I don’t really care. We have more important things to talk about than me trying to come up with a witty title.

1) J.K. Rowling is preparing us for trickery.

I don’t care that she’s already done this. It’s painfully obvious at this point that Draco Malfoy isn’t actually the person responsible for turning Hogwarts students into pieces of petrified wood. I do like that the main characters’ focus on him allows Rowling to not only explore rivalries, enemies, bullying, and to expand on her “racism” theme and I am beginning to believe it’s intentional, as a way to point out that even the shittiest, most bigoted people aren’t who we should necessarily blame things on.

That being said, I am completely stumped. I haven’t figured this out at all. But we got a lot more clues towards the final endgame and even more character development for the entire series. YES.

2) Every single one of the Weasleys.

My love affair for this family may never end. Is it strange that I project myself onto Harry because I had a traumatic childhood and I just wanted a home life like the Weasleys? WHATEVER DON’T JUDGE ME.

There are many things to love about them, but this made me laugh so hard:

  • Ginny Weasley, who sat next to Colin Creevey in Charms, was distraught, but Harry felt that Fred and George were going the wrong way about cheering her up. They were taking turns covering themselves with fur or boils and jumping out at her from behind statues.

BLESS THEIR HEARTS. oh my god.

3) Hermione Granger

I think she’s made the biggest change in character and I love it. After being insulted for coming from Muggle parents, she’s almost made it her mission to not only protect herself, but everyone else less privileged than her. Seriously, read this:

  • “I think I’d better do the actual stealing,” Hermione continued in a matter-of-fact tone. “You two will be expelled if you get into any more trouble, and I’ve got a clean record. So all you need to do is cause enough mayhem to keep Snape busy for five minutes or so.”

This is the same girl who used to gloat at Harry and Ron getting punished.

4) Harry risking his school career to help other people.

Why is Harry so likable? Because he came from nothing and lived in an environment where no one helped him. And because of this, he’s always willing to make sure that doesn’t happen to other people. my god Harry Potter knows my pain.

  • Harry ducked swiftly down behind his cauldron, pulled one of Fred’s Filibuster fireworks out of his pocket, and gave it a quick prod with his wand. The firework began to fizz and sputter. Knowing he had only seconds, Harry straightened up, took aim, and lobbed it into the air; it landed right on target in Goyle’s cauldron.

Yeah, Harry rules.

5) Snape embarrasses Lockhart in front of most of the school.

We’ll get to more Snape stuff in a second, but Lockhart and Snape’s magic duel also made me laugh out loud.

  • Both of them swung their wands above their heads and pointed them at their opponent; Snape cried: “Expelliarmus!” There was a dazzling flash of scarlet light and Lockhart was blasted off his feet: He flew backward off the stage, smashed into a wall, and slid down it to sprawl on the floor.

    Malfoy and some of the other Slytherins cheered. Hermione was dancing on tiptoes. “Do you think he’s all right?” she squealed through her fingers.

    “Who cares?” said Harry and Ron together.

Who indeed. I’m rooting for Snape.

6) The first meeting of the Dueling Club turning into absolute chaos.

I’m not going to quote it all, because it’s just so long, but this is also hilarious. First, Malfoy cheats and starts on the second count, not the third, and then Harry doesn’t use a Disarming charm like he’s supposed to, and the Malfoy makes Harry’s legs dance wildly and THEN IT ALL GOES TO HELL. Students are in piles, on fire, or, in the case of Hermione and Millicent, they’re actually physically fighting.

Oh god. I love it.

7) Parselmouth. PARSELMOUTH!!!!!!

Oh my god I HAD NO IDEA ABOUT THIS AT ALL. (Thank you for not spoiling things, guys!)

Like…holy shit, way to take an event from the first book and like the…second chapter? I DON’T REMEMBER AND IT HAS ONLY BEEN A MONTH. Whatever. That talking snake bit in the first book? That means Harry is a Parselmouth, can talk to snakes, and has a high probability of turning out to be a Slytherin.

BEST. CHARACTER. TWIST. EVER.

This is genius.

8) Harry overhears Hufflepuffs talking about him in the library and then uses this to scare the living daylights out of them.

Oh man. Harry could have easily used this situation to be hurt (I WOULD, FYI), but when he overhears a bunch of Hufflepuffs talking about how Harry is stalking Justin, he then APPEARS FROM BEHIND A BOOKCASE AND FRIGHTENS THEM. Again, LOL’d so hard. I love you Harry please never change.

My favorite rumor quote:

  • “Only a really powerful Dark wizard could have survived a curse like that.” He dropped his voice until it was barely more than a whisper, and said, “<i>That’s</i> probably why You-Know-Who wanted to kill him in the first place. Didn’t want another Dark Lord <i>competing</i> with him. I wonder what other powers Potter’s been hiding?”

He’s been hiding the ability to make you look like a total asswipe. Oh wait. He’s about to use it.

  • Harry couldn’t take it anymore. Clearing his throat loudly, he stepped out from behind the bookshelves. If he hand’t been feeling so angry, he would have found the sight that greeted him funny: Every one of the Hufflepuffs looked as though they had been Petrified by the sight of him, and the color was draining out of Ernie’s face.

jkl;asd;ljkfl;ksfd;klasasfkl; YES.

9) More Petrification.

I didn’t expect it so soon, but as Harry leaves the library, he stumbles on a Petrified Nearly Headless Nick and, unfortunately, Justin Finch-Flecthley. Someone’s clearly setting Harry up to look like the perpetrator and I can already tell Harry’s going to have a hard time avoiding the rumors and the stares anymore.

10) The final sentence.

  • This must be where Dumbledore lived.

FUCK YES DUMBLEDORE’S HOUSE oh god I can’t review this fast enough 🙁 🙁 🙁