Mark Reads ‘Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone’: Chapter 8

In the eighth chapter of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone, Harry experiences his first day as a student at Hogwarts. It is akin to attempting to walk through a maze while on acid. And then Harry has a class taught by Snape, which inspires so much MAN RAEG that this blog can barely contain the hatred. SCREW SNAPE IN HIS UGLY BUTTFACE. Intrigued? Then it’s time for Mark to read Harry Potter.

CHAPTER 8: THE POTIONS MASTER

I hate you, Snape. I hate you so much.

First of all, LET ME YELL AT HOGWARTS IN GENERAL.

There are over 140 different staircases in the school. WHY WOULD YOU BUILD THIS. THIS IS NOT EFFICIENT NOR AWESOME.

Also doors disappear and reappear and stairs are missing and some doors aren’t real at all WHY IS HOGWARTS LIKE AN ACID TRIP FFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

Then we are introduced to Argus Filch who is a TERRIBLE PERSON who doesn’t understand what the word FUN means and totally gets mad at Harry and Ron for getting lost and almost going into the FORBIDDEN ZONE on the third floor when it totally was an accident.

And then Argus Filch has a cat named Mrs. Norris who is nothing but a huge tattletale and SNITCHES GET STITCHES YOU DUMB CAT.

All of this is terrible and mean and ruins Harry’s day, but not quite as much as Snape ruins absolutely everything by being a silly poopface dumbhead.

Snape specifically picks on Harry throughout his first lesson. Harry’s obviously a first year student, yet Snape immediately asks him all the tough questions:

• “Potter!” said Snape suddenly. “What would I get if I added powdered root of asphodel to an infusion of wormwood?”

WHO KNOWS THIS. F U SNAPE

Of course Harry doesn’t know this, so Snape has to be a stupid rudemouth and continue:

• “Tut, tut–fame clearly isn’t everything.”

WTF WTF WTF WTF

• “Let’s try again. Potter, where would you look if I told you to find me a bezoar?”

YOU DOLTBAG WHY ARE YOU ASKING QUESTIONS HE CLEARLY DOES NOT KNOW THE ANSWER TOO oh that’s right you are a raging loserfuck

• “Thought you wouldn’t open a book before coming, eh, Potter?”

Oh you good-for-nothing sack of donkey dicks. Please die in a fire.

And then, after Harry points out that Hermione knows these answers, yet Snape is still picking on him, we get this:

• There was a sudden rummaging for quills and parchment. Over the noise, Snape said, “And a point will be taken from Gryffindor House for your cheek, Potter.”

you dirty son of a biscuit

And then when Neville screws up a potion:

• “You–Potter–why didn’t you tell him not to add the quills? Thought he’d make you look good if he got it wrong, did you? That’s another point you’ve lost for Gryffindor.”

MY RAEG. IT DOES NOT END.

Seriously, could there be a more slimebag villain of all time? METHINKS NOT.

After this, Harry visits Hagrid (<333333333333333333333), where Hagrid acts weird around Harry when he brings up Snape. Oh god WHAT DOES HE KNOW ABOUT SNAPE oh my god i must know soon but i don’t want to cheat and read ahead.

Dilemma. 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁