Mark Reads ‘Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone’: Chapter 5

In the fifth chapter of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone, Hagrid takes Harry to Diagon Alley, which is a place full of magic, wonder, and things we don’t have in our world. This is not fair. And then we’re introduced to some foreshadowing that isn’t annoying and our first instance of “Mugglism”: Muggle racism. Intrigued? Then it’s time for Mark to read Harry Potter.

CHAPTER 5: DIAGON ALLEY

I have to do this first before I continue:

PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF HOGWARTS, STOP POSTING SPOILERS IN THE COMMENTS.

I know you are excited to read about this series. I am too. And I totally understand that it is inspiring you to discuss many of the different things that happen throughout the series. Which, by the way, I have not read yet.

Since we don’t have official spoiler tags in the comments, I’m going to have to ask you guys to stop putting them there. I actually read every comment I get on these journals and yesterday’s review was jam-packed with info from the upcoming books. Which, by the way, I have not read yet.

I can’t stress how much this review series loses part of its appeal if I know what’s coming. I can’t be genuinely surprised. And that’s important to me, both creatively and as a fan of reading.

SO STOP.

Moving on:

OMG DIAGON ALLEY. Why do I so badly wish for all of this to be real? Let’s get down to business.

• Hagrid’s coat seemed to be made of nothing but pockets–bunches of keys, slug pellets, balls of string, peppermint humbugs, teabags…

Are Hagrid’s pockets just an ENDLESS ABYSS full of WONDERFUL TREASURE? Also what the fuck is a peppermint humbug? I am probably a xenophobic fool for saying that.

My love affair with this book continues. I tried to find something to hate or mock or take the piss out of in this chapter. It was incredibly hard. Why is this? I wondered if my exposure to such a garbage series for 8-9 months of my life made everything else seem that much better. But this shit is pretty magical and I’m 26 years old. I don’t know if you’re aware, but that basically makes me a senior citizen on the Internet.

• “Wizards have banks?”

  “Just the one. Gringotts. Run by goblins.”

  Harry dropped the bit of sausage he was holding.

  “Goblins?”

Oh, sorry, there is a book going on here. There’s something amusing about the matter-of-fact manner in which Rowling has her characters reveal this new world to Harry. It’s not met with pretension or grandeur. As Hagrid shows, it’s simply there and to question its existence is just silly. Goblins? Of COURSE they exist. Wizards? Vampires? Hags? Witches? It’s all real.

There is a moment in this chapter that’s a bit overwhelming, which isn’t that much beyond the “goblins” conversation. As Harry starts learning more and more about the world of wizardry, Hagrid feels the need to start dropping colloquialism all up in this bitch. FUCKIN’ MUGGLES HOW DO THEY WORK? Look I don’t know yet, GIVE ME A CHANCE.

With talk of the Ministry of Magic and dragons and quidditch and Gringotts and Hufflepuff and Slytherin and OMG WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS A WHOLE NEW LANGUAGE MY BRAIN IS ALREADY FULL OF USELESS MINUTIA AT THIS POINT.

Look, I know I’m going to learn what these things are and why they are important so J.K. ROWLING PLEASE STOP THROWING THEM IN MY FACE. 🙁

• A little man in a top hat was talking to the old bartender, who was quite bald and looked like a toothless walnut.

At this point in my day, this is the funniest thing in the world to me. I have no idea why.

As Harry is brought to London for the first time, he’s overwhelmed by the sights and sounds of the city. Hagrid takes him into a grungy pub, the Leaky Cauldron. (I also found it hilarious that the first place Hagrid takes underage Harry is to a pub. God bless this book.)

This is when Harry finds out exactly how popular he is. The men and women inside the Leaky Cauldron all have near-literal heart attacks when they realize Harry Potter is inside.

• Harry didn’t know what to say. Everyone was looking at him. The old woman with the pipe was puffing on it without realizing it had gone out. Hagrid was beaming.

  Then there was a great scraping of chairs and the next moment, Harry found himself shaking hands with everyone in the Leaky Cauldron.

  “Doris Crockford, Mr. Potter, can’t believe I’m meeting you at last.”

  “So proud, Mr. Potter, I’m just so proud.”

  “Always wanted to shake your hand–I’m all of a flutter.”

  “Delighted, Mr. Potter, just can’t tell you, Diggle’s the name, Dedalus Diggle.”

  “I’ve seen you before!” said Harry, as Dedalus Diggle’s top hat fell off in his excitement.” “You bowed to me once in a shop.”

  “He remembers!” cried Dedalus Diggle, looking around at everyone. “Did you hear that? He remembers me!”

Oh, by the way Harry, absolutely no pressure at all to be awesome to everyone around you at the age of 12.

But what I do like about this element of the story is that while it is the classic “you-are-very-special” story, Rowling deals with Harry’s guilt in very smart ways. More on that in a second though, because something else is much more important:

Diagon Alley.

Harry makes a mental note that no one except for Hagrid and himself seem to be able to see the Leaky Cauldron. The idea that only “wizards” can see certain places is all but confirmed when Hagrid makes a hole appear in a brick wall, leading right into Diagon Alley.

The scene where Harry first enters the wizard-friendly alley reminded me of the first time Luke Skywalker steps into Mos Eisley in Star Wars: A New Hope. It’s overwhelming, overstimulating, and such a complete world that it’s hard to imagine it not existing. Again, it’s a testament to the storytelling that Rowling does succeed so far. Even if her pacing is strange or her story simplistic, she’s spared nothing in making sure she shows us her world.

So here’s one of those rare moments I promised I wouldn’t get into: what Rowling does well in this book is what Stephenie Meyer cannot do in any four of her novels. Do you remember my common complaint throughout all of Twilight? Show me, don’t tell me. Don’t say, “oh my god he is so beautiful **~~sparkles~~**” SHOW IT.

Well, ok, I don’t actually want you to SHOW ME YOUR SPARKLE anymore, but you get the idea.

• A low, soft hooting came from a dark shop with a sign saying Eeylops Owl Emporium–Tawny, Screech, Barn, Brown, and Snowy.

Seriously where is my owl already

• “Got it here somewhere,” said Hagrid, and he started emptying his pockets onto the counter, scattering a handful of moldy dog biscuits over the goblin’s book of numbers.

Ok, was James Cameron’s The Abyss based solely on Hagrid’s pockets?

One of the awesome goblins takes Harry and Hagrid deep into the depths of the Gringotts bank because bank deposit boxes are…in the ground? Oh god this book just makes our world so incredibly terrible. Harry’s parents stashed a fortune down in this place and this is where we’re introduced to the currency of wizards:

• “The gold ones are Galleons,” he explained. “Seventeen silver Sickles to a Galleon and twenty-nine Knuts to a Sickle, it’s easy enough.”

No, seriously, WHAT

But your head shouldn’t explode yet. Mine didn’t. That’s because I hadn’t gotten to the scene in the robe shop. Harry meets an unnamed boy in the robe shop, and the kid ends up being perhaps the most royal douche of the entire literary world. After calling my future husband a “savage” (HOW DARE HE I WILL DEFEND HIS HONOR), he digs an even deeper hole.

• “Why is he with you? Where are your parents?”

  “They’re dead,” said Harry shortly. He didn’t feel much like going into the matter with this boy.

  “Oh, sorry,” said the other, not sounding sorry at all. “But they were our kind, weren’t they?”

  “They were a witch and wizard, if that’s what you mean.”

  “I really don’t think they should let the other sort in, do you? They’re just not the same, they’ve never been brought up to know our ways. Some of them have never even heard of Hogwarts until they get the letter, imagine. I think they should keep it in the old wizarding families. What’s your surname, anyway?”

YEAH WHY DON’T YOU JUST SAY YOU LOVE FASCISM, YOU FASCIST.

I know this will come up again and we’re bound to see this DOLTBAG more, so I’m interested in seeing how Rowling deals with this issue. Because seriously. This is as about as a direct parallel to racism/anti-immigration as one can get. And you can tell Rowling is painting this in a negative light, so I’m interested to see where this goes.

• Twenty minutes later, they left Eeylops Owl Emporium, which had been dark and full of rustling and flickering, jewel-bright eyes. Harry now carried a large cage that held a beautiful snowy owl, fast asleep with her head under her wing.

where the fuck is my owl

• Harry took the wand. He felt a sudden warmth in his fingers. He raised the wand above his head, brought it swishing down through the dusty air and a stream of red and gold sparks shot from the end like a firework, throwing dancing spots of light on to the walls.

where the fuck is my wand

• “I remember every wand I’ve ever sold, Mr. Potter. Every single wand. It so happens that the phoenix whose tail feather is in your wand, gave another feather–just one other. It is very curious indeed that you should be destined for this wand when its brother–why, its brother gave you that scar.”

Two last things to close out this review. Remember when I said that Rowling deals with the “you-are-very-special” plot in an interesting way. Everyone tells Harry he is special. But in this case, Harry equates his self-worth with action:

• “Everyone thinks I’m special,” he said at last. “All those people in the Leaky Cauldron, Professor Quirrell, Mr. Ollivander…but I don’t know anything about magic at all. How can they expect great things? I’m famous and I can’t even remember what I’m famous for. I don’t know what happened when Vol-, sorry–I mean, the night my parents died.”

oh wait what is that sound do you hear that OH YEAH IT’S MY HEART BREAKING INTO NOTHINGNESS dear god

but wait HAGRID TO THE RESCUE

• “Don’ you worry, Harry. You’ll learn fast enough. Everyone starts at the beginning at Hogwarts, you’ll be just fine. Just be yerself. I know it’s hard. Yeh’ve been singled out, an that’s always hard. But yeh’ll have a great time at Hogwarts–I did–still do, ‘smatter of fact.”

oh wait what is that sound do you hear that OH YEAH IT’S MY HEART BEING REPAIRED WITH THE AMAZING-OSITY OF HAGRID.

jesus christ BEST LITERARY CHARACTER OF ALL TIME Y/Y????

• “Yer ticket fer Hogwarts,” he said. “First o’ September–King’s Cross–it’s all on yer ticket. Any problems with the Dursley’s, send me a letter with yer owl, she’ll know where to find me…

WAIT WHAT WHY THE FUCK IS HE GOING BACK TO THE DURSLEYS WHAT THE FUCK WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY