Explaining the Video: Christina Aguilera’s “Not Myself Tonight”

So, this is how I imagine the director’s pitch for this video going:

“Christina, baby, darling, we love the new album. And this single! LOVE IT! It’s about how you’re NOT YOURSELF tonight! So, who are you?”

“Well, maybe, you’re a member of KISS! But, like, super sexy special edition BONDAGE KISS!”

“Or maybe you’re every single one of the Pussycat Dolls at once!”

“Or maybe you’re…whatever the fuck this thing is…”

“And we know you’ve been getting all kinds of comparisions between you and Lady Gaga.”

“We promise there will be absolutely nothing in this video that would get you compared to her again.”

“Especially not anything that could get you accused of ripping her off directly. We will COMPLETELY stay away from that.”

“Also, in your video for ‘Keeps Getting Better’ you did this Catwoman thing. We’re going to do that again. But this time, a whole lot skankier.”

“And what are your feelings on evil bondage clowns?”

“Also, hey, I found this video online by Madonna, ‘Express Yourself?’ But we figure nobody will remember it, so we’re going to directly borrow some scenes from it.”

“But once again, we PROMISE: nothing that could get you compared to Lady Gaga!”

“And then we’re going to put you in a gimp mask. Because it’s symbolic of a different identity. Also, because we think it will be damn hot.”

“Oh, and hey, you know what worked really well for that Katy Perry chick? Faux-bisexuality. Like, people think she’s kissing girls. And that makes me stiffer than my dead grandma. Which, come to think of it, thinking of my dead grandma gets me stiff, too.

“But we’re going beyond just kissing, Christina. We’re thinking miming oral sex on another woman.”

“But don’t worry, we’ll immediately cut to you getting it on with a guy so no one thinks you’re one of those freaky dykes. I mean, we know those only exist in porn so that guys can have voyeuristic fantasies without seeing another man’s cock and feeling, ultimately, inferior because you’ve only got a three inch pecker…not that I speak from experience or anything.”

“And then you dump black sludge on yourself. THE END!”

“I’m thinking we sweep at the VMAs.”

Watch the full video here!