Some Post-Metro Station Suggestions for Trace Cyrus
And of course, this makes me very concerned about Trace Cyrus. Because, seriously, what is he going to do in the wake of this disaster? Well, here’s a few suggestions:
Whatever you do, don’t go on Dancing with the Stars.
Trace, I saw Metro Station live years ago and, dude, really, YOU DANCE LIKE A PEANUTS CHARACTER. You DO THE SNOOPY DANCE ON STAGE. Whatever you do, do NOT go on Dancing with the Stars. It would be terrible.
Actually, wait, no, it might be entertaining. Do it.
DUDE, EAT SOME CARBS OR SOMETHING.
I CAN COUNT YOUR RIBS, TRACE CYRUS. I CAN COUNT EVERY SINGLE RIB YOU OWN. EAT SOMETHING. I AM SURE THERE ARE MANY FANS WHO WOULD GLADLY COOK YOU SOME PASTA OR BUY YOU A SANDWICH OR SOMETHING.
Go into acting.
Hey, you wouldn’t be the first musician-turned-actor. Will Smith did it! He moved in with his auntie and uncle in Bel Air! And I’m sure some other people have as well. Well, the acting thing. Not the whole Bel Air thing.
Some possible roles you could look into:
That Twilight is so hot right now. Maybe you could convince Jackson Rathbone to leave the cast of the movies so you could step in and play Jasper and sing us all some songs about the Confederacy!
Alternately: I’m sure you know people who know people who could get you in touch with Zac Efron. And the two of you could combine your forces to make one of those movie adaptations of a classic TV show that are all the rage these days. What show? Well, duh:
A horse is a horse of course of course. Except when that horse is Trace Cyrus.
And finally, Trace, just remember, you can probably always crash on your sister’s couch. Or one of her couches. She’s probably got a bunch of them. Dude, your sister is fucking LOADED, okay?