Dear Grammys – Why Do You Suck?

The nominations for 2010’s Grammy Awards are out. If you’ve ever wondered what it takes to get yourself a Grammy nomination, follow me through the process and see who’s up for what next year. Grab yourself a Snuggie and get comfy..

If you’ve ever wondered how the Grammy’s are nominated, let me clue you in on their mysterious and very Mason Society-esque ways. Actually, that isn’t true. What they do is round up who sold the most in whatever catergory, throw their names in a giant magic hat, and pick out 5 names per catergory. Mystery solved. What the Grammy’s do is give you the best of the year’s poop in music because apparently, that’s what people are into these days.

Record of the Year

Halo – Beyoncé

I Gotta Feeling – The Black Eyed Peas

Use Somebody – Kings Of Leon

Poker Face– – Lady Gaga

You Belong With Me– – Taylor Swift

Album Of The Year –

I Am… Sasha Fierce – Beyoncé

The E.N.D. – The Black Eyed Peas

The Fame – Lady Gaga

Big Whiskey And The Groogrux King – Dave Matthews Band

Fearless – Taylor Swift

If you can explain to me the difference between Record and Album of the Year, I will give you an internet “high five.” Actually, if you can make me care about the difference between the two, that would be the real feat. Beyonce. I’m kind of over her already. I get it. You have no idea how many of my friends changed their MySpace name to Sasha Fierce and no, I don’t wanna put a ring on it.

I didn’t even know that people still listened to the Black Eyed Peas. They were those dudes that spawned the FergieBeast, right? Kill it with fire! The Kings of Leon have always sucked. Just because they changed their sound to sell more records doesn’t mean they got any better. Taylor Swift. Taylor. Swift. Nobody cares. Dave Matthews? Put some shoes on, you hippie and go back to the woods. Lady Gaga is interesting but her music sucks. She’s a great performer and she wears weird clothes. Great. Let’s give her a medal.

Best New Artist –

Zac Brown Band

Keri Hilson

MGMT

Silversun Pickups

The Ting Tings

Those first two artists are so new that I don’t even care. The last three are new? Sure, if new was like, 3 years ago. BAH.

Best Rock Album –

Black Ice – AC/DC

Live From Madison Square Garden – Eric Clapton & Steve Winwood

21st Century Breakdown – Green Day

Big Whiskey And The Groogrux King – Dave Matthews Band

No Line On The Horizon – U2

Hmm.. More shaking of my head. AC/DC and Clapton haven’t made anything good since they got sober. Thanks, Grammy’s for giving Angus Young another 10 year license to wear a school boy uniform. Has anyone told him how creepy that is? Green Day, please DIAF. Please get back to your riding a big wheel shenanigans and proceed to the nearest cliff. Once you are done digging up the new what’s next in music and performing that genre horribly, can you just disappear? Dave Matthews does not equal rock. Don’t they have a dude that plays the jug with the “xxx” on it? Isn’t their bassist playing a mop stick that is attached to an upside-down tub? U2, please pay your taxes. Edge, learn how to play your guitar sans effects. If no one has told you, you are horrible at it.

Best Alternative Music Album –

Everything That Happens Will Happen Today – David Byrne & Brian Eno

The Open Door – Death Cab For Cutie

Sounds Of The Universe – Depeche Mode

Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix – Phoenix

It’s Blitz! – Yeah Yeah Yeahs

I guess. Is this what “Alternative” is these days? I suppose. Mostly I just shake my old man fist at this but this probably one of the only catergories that seems to somewhat nail it. These aren’t alternative bands, per se, but alternatives to the blatant pop craptastrophy that is running a muck as of late.

The utter crap-fest that is The Grammy’s goes on FOREVER. I had to scroll down so much on the page that my mouse came off its pad and I was scrolling on the table. That is the equivalent of running your finger nails on the chalk board in the 21st century.

If you want to see a full list of the nominees, go to the Grammy Website here. Click on the tab that says “nominees.” Try not to kill yourself at those up for an award because music is dead.