Tacky Twilight Merchandise Part 3: Hot Topic

Lasciate ogne speranza, voi ch’intrate

For those of you unfamiliar, that’s a line from Dante’s Inferno. Those words are what are supposedly carved above the gate through which you enter Hell. In English, the most famous translation is “Abandon All Hope Ye Who Enter Here.”

Which is the warning I must give you all before you read this journal. Upon seeing the items I’m about to mock, profusely, you may lose all hope in humanity. So it’s better that you just leave all hope at the gate and continue on with the knowledge that Twilight is a lot like the Black Plague, only with fewer rats.

Yes, it has finally come time for me to talk about Hot Topic’s line of New Moon merchandise. This was actually the store that convinced me I had to do this series of blogs, however I decided I had to save the best…or in this case, the worst…for last.

The deal here is, I’m not evening going to talk about their line of shirts. They suck, that’s all I have to say. I seriously don’t want to bore you with that when there is so much more to get into. I will however, say one thing about the modeling for some of these items:

That’s a guy. In a New Moon hoodie.

Folks, I have a challenge for you: if you ever ever ever ever ever EVER come across a guy who is wearing an article of Twilight-themed clothing in public, unironically, I want you to STOP HIM AND TAKE A PICTURE. Because that is the ONLY WAY I WILL EVER BELIEVE THIS HAPPENS OUTSIDE OF HOTTOPIC.COM.

And I’m doing this a little out of order, but you’ll see why below. The best item of the week is actually pretty good:

Bella’s dress from her ill-fated birthday party. I love the color, the cut, everything except for the part where it’s so associated with Twilight I could never wear it out of my apartment. Which SUCKS.

But no, no, no, now comes the time where we dive into the utterly ridiculous items that have Twilight plastered on them. We’ve seen shirts, jackets, jewelry, make-up and chocolate. But NONE of that compares to what we’re starting off with:

Umbrella. Edward Cullen umbrella. Don’t worry, girls. He’ll protect you from the rain. And if he’s afraid he can’t, he’ll lock you inside the house so you can’t go outside in it because WHAT IF IT GETS IN YOUR EYES THAT WOULD BE THE WORST THING EVER.

Okay, the lunchbox isn’t so bad, comparatively. Some girls use those as purses. But a THERMOS? Really? You mean, you intend people to carry food around in that? Sorry, but creepy teenage boys staring at me makes me LOSE my appetite.

You know what else makes me lose my appetite? THESE:

Why is there a Bella action figure? Isn’t that an oxymoron? Shouldn’t it be a Bella in-action figure? Oh, wait, right, she walks into things a lot. Well, then maybe she can use these!

New Moon Band-Aids! When you use them, they reassure you that they would NEVER hurt you. Even if they really instinctively want to because that’s what their built for and HEY, THEY COULD KILL YOU ANY MINUTE BUT LOOK, THEY’RE NOT which is SO ROMANTIC. Then they stare at you while you sleep.

Of course, if you’ve read the books you know there’s a lot of creepy staring. Mostly done by Edward. Through Bella’s window. At night. But maybe being stared at while she slept wasn’t enough. Maybe Bella really wanted, nay, needed, to feel as if he were spread out on top of her. Like a blanket.

WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK IS THAT THING?

OH MY GOD, MAKE IT STOP!

HOW COULD ANYONE SLEEP KNOWING THAT WAS STARING THROUGH THE BACK OR SIDES OF THEIR HEAD? HOW?

But hey, maybe I’m looking at this wrong. Maybe it’s just all about how Edward Cullen wants to smother you with his love.

And maybe a pillow.

Which would kill you.

Well, the pillow would.

Okay, yeah, being smothered with his love might kill you as well.

Oh, look, a musical jewelry box! So you can keep all of your generic-gothy-looking jewelry vaguely associated with New Moon safe!

You know what? When you’re talking replica jewelry, I don’t mind if it’s something that is directly identifiable with a character. Or if it has some bearing on the plot. But, if I’m recalling New Moon correctly? NONE OF THIS STUFF HAS ANY POINT WHAT-SO-EVER OTHER THAN BEING ABLE TO BE CHEAPLY MASS PRODUCED AND SOLD AT AN INCREDIBLE MARK-UP.

Oh, oh, but if we’re going to talk the JEWELRY, we have to bring these into play:

Let’s imagine a scenario here, shall we!

Girl: Hey, honey! You won’t believe what I got us!

Boy: Us? Huh?

Girl: Rings!

Boy: …rings?

Girl: Uh-huh! And they’re special! They have a quote from New Moon on them!

Boy: …they kind of look like WEDDING rings…

Girl: And they’re so perfect for us because our love is just like Edward and Bella’s!

Boy: …they look a lot like wedding ri- wait, Edward? Isn’t that what you called me the other night when we were making out?

Girl: We’re going to be together. FOREVER! TRUE LOVE NEVER DIES.

Boy: …yeah, I think I’m going to go date someone a little less psychotic.

Girl: DON’T WORRY, DARLING! I KNOW YOU’LL BE BACK FOR ME! I’LL JUST LAY ON THE FLOOR LIKE A LICHEN UNTIL YOU COME BACK.

Boy: Yeah…you do that.

And she was never heard from again.

Folks, this is just…terrible. I get wanting teeshirts. I get wanting the jewelry, even. Some of the make-up was kind of cool. But this is just beyond the point of ridiculous. I made a crack last week about being able to slap the word “Twilight” on anything and sell it for ridiculous amounts of money. And I wasn’t joking. Because I am now going to show you the item that SINGLE HANDEDLY convinced me I had to write this series of New Moon merch blogs. Because it manages to top even the Edward Cullen Body Glitter for sheer What The Fuck-ery.

Are you ready?

Are you SURE you want to see?

You still have time to turn back. I mean it.

Okay, you asked for it:

NEW MOON. PACKING. TAPE.

Yes. That is what you are looking at. That is what they are selling at Hot Topic. That is what they expect people to pay $10 US for.

LET. THAT. SINK. IN.