Tacky Twilight Merchandise Part 2: Nordstrom
So, last week’s entry was fairly low-key, right? I mean, a few crappy teeshirts and some gross chocolate bars, but generally just, you know, bland.
The Nordstrom collection has something that simultaneously works both for and against it in my view. The shirts generally are generally fairly nice, there’s no giant glaring heads on these…but at the same time it sort of bugs me because I would probably be interested in buying this stuff if it weren’t Twilight-affiliated. It’s kind of a tease: hey, look, there’s something you’d wear, but you’d have to contribute to the “Twilight takes over everything” fund.
First of all, let’s look at their take on the Team Edward and Team Jacob shirts:
So, the hearts and the paw on Jacob’s shirt are a bit much, but they’re still a lot better than last week’s offerings. And the shirts actually look nicer as well: the longer style and cute layer-able scoop necks are nice.
Some of the other stuff is directly related to the books and movies, but without splashing characters all over your boobs. For example (the last one is the text from a letter to Alice):
Nordstrom even has a few pieces that aren’t directly from the movie but were “inspired” by Alice and Bella’s styles:
So over all the clothing is generally better than the other stuff.
Oh, but Nordstrom offers much more than clothing. They also carry JEWELRY. And THIS is where it starts to get bad.
Okay, I get that Bella Swan has pretty much nothing resembling a personality. Her default setting is “human doormat” which is occasionally offset by “manipulative negative female stereotype.” But are you seriously telling me that when it came down to representing her personality via charms, THIS was the best you could do?
A “B,” a lamb and A TRUCK? Really? That was the best third association for Bella you could find?
Then again, the Jacob stuff doesn’t really fair much better:
Gold-plated motorcycles? Seriously? I mean, I get how they relate to Jacob, but are there really that many girls out there who would buy and then wear these?
Oh, and one of my major gripes with the whole line:
See those? Those are crescent moons. Crescent. Which in no way pertain to the books.
Look, if you’re going for the title reference, a new moon would be when the moon is completely hidden. So…not these. And if you’re going for the werewolf reference, that’d be a full moon…once again, not what’s shown here. My speculation on the conversation that occurred when these were designed:
1: Sir, we have the final designs for the New Moon line. Here are the full moon earrings…
2: NO BUDGET FOR FULL MOON.
1: But sir, that…
2: NO BUDGET FOR FULL MOON. GO CRESCENT!
1: Waxing or waning?
2: DOESN’T MATTER. SLAP TWILIGHT ON IT AND THE KIDS’LL PAY WHATEVER WE WANT. THIS MORNING I TOOK A BANANA PEEL, WROTE “FUCK YEAH TWILIGHT!” ON IT AND SOLD IT FOR $60 ON E-BAY!
And speaking of “slap Twilight on it?” Here’s the New Moon make-up line.
There are four different compact color options. Bella, Alice, Rosalie and Victoria.
Not sure which one to choose? DON’T WORRY! There’s a handy quiz on the site to tell you which one you should buy! Because skin tone and eye color don’t really matter, what matters here is how an arbitrary quiz compares you to fictional characters. Thanks to the quiz, I know that I should buy the “Bella” compact, which I’m guessing means I have the most neutral personality in the world.
Oh, and you know what’s been missing from ALL of the stuff we’ve seen so far? THAT’S RIGHT. DAZZLE. Well, never fear!
Twilight body glow and face glow! Because we have gotten through far too much of this without body glitter showing up.
Oh, and of course, there’s the much-advertised Lip Venom.
But perhaps the most disturbing items are these:
Life size cutouts of the two most important men in Bella Swan’s life. The one who has the emotional maturity of a 16-year-old virgin and the one who IS a 16-year-old virgin.
And through all of this, I’m astonished by one thing: the price. Seriously. The teeshirts all run around $30. There’s tank tops for $28. The tunic and jacket are both around $50. The make up is generally priced around $20 per item, with the body glow costing $34. Jewelry ranges from $22 to $36. And I’m left wondering:
WHO THE HELL WOULD SPEND THAT KIND OF MONEY ON THIS STUFF JUST BECAUSE IT’S TWILIGHT?
I mean, I can kind of understand splurging a bit for something because you’re a fan, but $30 for a tissue thin teeshirt? Because it’s a Twilight tie-in? $36 for cream when you can get a similar and also sparkling product from Target for $8 or so? Is Twilight really such a cash cow that people will pay $24 for a necklace with a motorcycle charm on it? REALLY?
I have to admit, I actually think the Volturi hoodie looks cute and comfy. And it’s not really identifiable as Twilight merch, either:
$30 for this? REALLY? It looks like something Perez Hilton’s Hot Topic line rejected for being too fugly. Which is saying something:
Speaking of Hot Topic, tune in next Thursday when I tackle their New Moon items. Ever wanted Twilight tie-in packing tape? WELL, GUESS WHAT? YOU’RE IN LUCK!
OH! And don’t forget to check out the Buzznet Twi-Hardy Collaboration Challenge! Trust me, the prize pack will be FABULOUS.