Dear God, Explain That

In conjunction with PanasonicYouth‘s Question Of The Day that deals with your open letters to God, I have decided to write a little letter of my own to the He/She/It upstairs. Before I go off and lock myself in a monistary, I need a few questions answered. Seeing as how the Master of the Ether knows everything, these questions should be pretty easy to answer. The only thing is, does anyone have “its” e mail?

The infamous use of “Why?” has perplexed the human race ever since the words invention. Rather than get philosophical about this, I’d like to just poke jabs at things that I do not understand. All of us have those things that puzzle us to no end. Since I have decided it’s Ask The Deity of Your Choice Anything Day, I might as well get all of life’s unanswered questions out of the way. Let us begin with the obvious.


This is a little extreme. I know that the person that is getting ready to slice the dino looks like Jesus but Jesus/God/Holy Ghost are all the same thing, right? Anyways, God doesn’t believe in dinosaurs. Apparently, the Earth is only about 4,000 years old and all those bones and fossils in the sediment are little tests to see if we buy into what God is sellin’. No one will hate you if you come out and say you made them there dinosaurs. In fact, that would probably be some good PR for you. Dinosaurs are, quite frankly, some of the best things ever:

Go ahead. Take credit for this mass amount of epic.


I don’t mean to single anyone out but hello there God, these are some of your finest creations (if you created them). Are these versions of people even real? Are they here to test the virtue that is patience? Must I be around them for prolonged periods of time to learn what the true meaning of tolerance is? Why do people like this exist? What good do they contribute to the betterment of our species?

They are over-consumers to the bajillionth degree. They are theives that steal all the tiny shirts from the young men’s clothing department. Why, God, do you allow this to happen?

Weird Creatures:

Speaking of things that you aren’t really sure exist, let us take a trip into the waters of the world. It turns out that the deeper into the sea you go, the less God there is. Let us start with this:

Please, take credit for this. Hey God, I herd you made Mudkips.

These things, however, are Godless:

Thanks, God, for allowing my nightmares to seep into this waking world. Why are these here? Why do those isopods steal my Doritos? How does this fit into your scheme? I think God is telling me that I am fat!


Before, when people could not explain things, there was religion. No one questioned anything because if you need an answer for why your crops failed, it was “His will be done” and not because the Ph levels in your soil were bad. Science must be some crazy test of logic and what not. It is here to test us. Science provides us with real answers yet certain relgions require you to believe that a man looked into a hat and read golden tablets that only he could read or something fun like that.

Check this out ^. This is your friend, RNA. Science has even managed to explain how this little bloke fit in with the spark of life IN A LABORATORY. Take that God!

Crunk Core/Music These Days:

Everyone is a musician these days. Apparently, it takes only some auto tune and crappy beats. We here at Buzznet have probably talked about this ad nauseum (kinda like the music), so I won’t really get too into this. Well all know how vomit worthy BrokenCyde and The Millionaires are but this genre is sprouting up like weeds. Clearly, this cannot be the work of god as we know it. Such injustice to my ears cannot stand! Avenge us, o Lord!

Blood On The Dance Floor – Just go listen to this hot mess and enjoy the following photo:

Confide – Such Greats Heights

A cover of a cover. This is probably the end of music. Thanks, guys.

The questions can probably go on till Armageddon cometh. I wonder if this blog will go unanswered by the voice in the sky. Surely, you can contribute your very own questions in the comments that follow. Let us pool our queries together so that the Great One may see our cries and answer them!