Movies We Don’t Need – Here’s To Hollywood!

If you haven’t heard, someone decided that it was o.k. to make a movie about Facebook. In news revealed to me via an out of work actor with a bad accent and a crystal ball, the name of this Facebook inspired movie is going to be called The Social Network. I know we are in a recession but I didn’t know that we were in a creative recession.

I can see it now – 90 minutes of people not being able to post comments to someone’s wall and utter chaos ensuing due to people changing their relationship status to “single” when they are actually dating. According to ComingSoon.net, the Facebook movie is going to be about the creator of said social network and his quest of finding a mate to LARP with on cold winters nights. That last part isn’t entirely true but come on, how interesting is this going to get? Perhaps Aaron Sorkin (whos works include A Few Good Men, The American President, and The West Wing) can conjure up some script magic where surely there is none. Hopefully Sorkin can come up with a name better than The Social Network for the film.

Maybe if the film has something to do with the whole “poke” feature on Facebook, things might get pretty interesting:

Oh Hollywood, what has happened to you? It seems that Hollywood is in a golden age of remakes. You all must be aware of what’s happening to the beloved Kevin Bacon classic Footloose. There is only room in the world for one Kevin Bacon and clearly, that world was happening in the 80’s. According to the powers that be, the updated version of the film is going to be a more mature version.

Is there no justice? Must we really be subjected to another round of Kevin Bacon-esque antics? Will this spawn another Kevin Bacon? I think this is one of the few Kevin Bacon movies where didn’t see Kevin’s bacon..

Also in the works is the beloved classic Clash of the Titans. This has potential for max awesome and I kind of want to see it. Hopefully the remake will capture all the wonder and confusion that is the Pantheon of Yore. While I understand the whole “paying hommage to the classics by revamping them” mentality, some things just don’t really need be remade. Part of this fims charm is it’s totally 80’s special effects. I can’t really recall being attracted to the script more so than I was attracted to the little owl, Bubo:

If there is no Bubo in the remake, I will refuse to see it.

Looks like someone interrupted bath time. Please remove all war monger gear before entering the soapy fun!

Let us now talk about Michael Bay. In the time it took you to read that opening sentence of this paragraph, Michael Bay blew up 4 cars IN SLOW MOTION. He and his production company have decided to “re-image” Nightmare on Elm Street, despite the outcry of fans everywhere and signed petitions. People are that upset about this. They have every right to be.

Wes Craven, Daddy to all things Elm Street, will have nothing to do with this remake. Robert Englund, the original Freddy and star of 8 Freddy movies, is also not on board. This version of the film is a mash up of the original plus things they are making “better.” If you remember the heroine of the original film, Nancy, well now she’s a gothy art student instead of the social girl next door. I bet all you Goth art student types can totally identify with this and you are totally going to see this film, right?

If you said, “no,” don’t feel bad. Wes Craven said he probably won’t see it either.

Hollywood, this is my plea to you. Rather than remake everything under the sun, please dig up some new and novel films. People aren’t afraid to think for themselves anymore. Hell, the Bush years are over. Movie goers are ready for change!