Easter – A Survival Guide For Bunny Haters
With this weekend being Easter, there are plenty of festivities for those that believe in the triumphant return of Zombie Jesus. Here’s your guide on how to make Easter egg baskets, Sunday church services, and a slew of relatives that you only see on holidays more interesing.
This weekend will be just another weekend for many of us. I stopped believing in the Easter Bunny when I woke up in a pool of last night’s spaghetti on my face and saw my Father placing my Easter egg basket on the floor in front of me. He didn’t know that I was awake and scared because I had just ruined my pillow with bile and cherry ice cream. There I lay, hapless, and with my childhood newly shattered. With one eye half open and teary, I let the charade carry on.
Easter was always a magical time when I got new clothes and new cavities. Now, it is a day that I look back on with much dismay. I say dismay because clothes in the late 80’s/early 90’s were pretty horrible. All I’m going to say about that is “tapered pant legs.” Perhaps you are of the age where you are still being carried around by your family in their hopes that no one else will notice that their family is just as dysfunctional as everyone else’s. You still get to be shuttled about in the minivan in your backseat of gloom and wear clothes that aren’t pastel in color. Maybe you actually still have an awesome family and you love them. Does that even happen anymore (joke lolz)?
If you still get an Easter basket, um, I am totes jealous. No one loves me enough to make me an Easter basket. I am “that guy” that can’t have chocolate because there’s milk in it. Peeps are made out of gelatin (horse hooves make this. I’m sorry but who made candy from that? DIAF K THX). That weird faux grass made of plastic usually ends up in the ocean’s gyres and biodegrades down to microscopic levels and kills nature. Yes. I suck the fun out of EVERYTHING. Hopefully, if someone is making you an Easter basket, they make it awesome.
Candy that isn’t made of death – just delicious sugar:
There is a giant list of non animal filled candy that you can find on the PETA site. Not that I am all for PETA and the nonsense they sour everything with, but this is a pretty snazzy list. Check it out here. They also had a link that took me to a 2 lb, 12 inch vegan chocolate bunny. 2 lb of chocolate? That is insane. It’s like a small child THAT YOU CAN EAT.
Here at Buzznet, we do things a litle differently when it comes to decorating Easter eggs. What would Easter be without Easter eggs? It would be a sham of a holiday and we all know it. If it weren’t for the eggs, Easter would still be that pegan holiday that had to do with fertility, spring, and some lady named Eoster. Check out TaraAshlee‘s TAI inspired egglings:
Your Sunday Best
If it’s ok with everyone, Sunday will be the day that you get to put on your best in the latest in Mall Goth clothing. This is the time when you get to put on those sweet pants with the twenty zippers sporadically placed about them. You know, those pants that have the suspenders sewn onto them.
These sweet gems right here are probably a little bit much for Easter but if you note, they do come with some variants on pastels and well, that’s as Easter-y as your dark heart gets. Maybe if you ask real nice, you can just hang out in the back of the church next to all the candles and listen to Cristian Death on your iPod. The holy water – it burns!
The bloke in the button up shirt and pants knows what works. The red accent tie is killing it. If I were his parents, I would allow him to hang out in the back of the church with the kids. His friend gets points for dawning some pastel, bunny-esque ears but those points are then stripped because Mall Goths aren’t supposed to play Dance Dance Revolution.
You have yet to read any of the works by Richard Dawkins or the early works of C.S. Lewis. All that you know is that like, religion is like totes not even cool. That doesn’t mean that you get your “get out of church free” card yet. You still have to go. If you are crafty, you can smuggle in an iPod without anyone being the wiser. If you don’t have an iPod, you’re going to have to go to the bathroom every few minutes. When asked why you are making so many trips, remark that your chocolate bunny tasted weird or old. Feigning interest in church is difficult because it is so boring. You can do it, though. It’s only an hour and heck, you make it through school with no problems.
If you need some tips on how to survive church, look here. CristianGoth apparently thinks that it’s 1997 and sets up their web page accordingly.
You are required by the parentals to say “Hello” to your relatives. What’s with holidays bringing ’round people that you never see except on holidays? We all know that once you say your obligatory greetings that nothing really follows that is ever interesting.
Unless you have that weird uncle that’s always drunk and has conspiracy theories for everything, things around the homestead are probably going to be pretty uninteresting. It’s too easy to pick on those that are smaller than you, and the adults are busy being boring. It is still a little too early to retreat to your lair of doom, so you are going to have to make nice until Easter feast time.
I haven’t been to an Easter dinner in a while, so I don’t really recall what’s severed. Do people eat rabbit on Easter? Do people really eat the Body of Christ? According to the Internet (yes, I googled Easter dinner), you are supposed to have things like lamb, ham, pork, chicken and whatever other dead animal you can throw in the oven and bake. Things are supposed to be all slow-cooked, or you can just be lazy and pre-order something from Marie Callendar’s.
I remember when I first became vegetarian and how horrible family dinners were. People would always forget that I was veggie and they would say, “Well, you can have salad.” I could very well have salad but I’m sorry, can you take all the ranch dressing off of it? Probably not. Bread is delicious. Bread becomes your friend early on in your fledgling veggie days. Soon, you will have to start taking your own food because it’s your dietary choice and that’s just how lots of us vegetarians roll.
Check out that feast of vegan awesomeness. It is possible. You just have to get crafty or get some better, more awesome relatives in the kitchen.
Hopefully your Easter is better than this kids:
If it’s not, hopefully you have a bunch of awesome candy and some new clothes to make you feel better. If you don’t even have that, maybe the sexy Easter Bunny will make you feel a little better:
Hey, at least it isn’t Jeffree Star.