SAW: Buzznet edition

During my liveblog of the 2008 Scream Awards, I was struck with a terrible idea: what if Saw’s Jigsaw turned his attention to some of Buzznet’s writers? What kind of challenges would he put forth to test them?

Here’s some speculation:

“We’re going to play a game, Bree. Before you, you see William Beckett and a razor. In order to escape this trap, you’ll have to shave his head. If you refuse, you both die.”
“…Mark, you pride yourself on your athletic ability. But that will not be enough to save you here. Hidden somewhere within your bicycle is a key that will release you from the trap currently wrapped around your head. You have five minutes to find it before the trap snaps. I’d suggest you move quickly…”
“…so, Mr. Rossstar, you call yourself a DJ? Well, before you, you see a priceless collection of vinyl albums by Bruce Springsteen, Bon Jovi and The Misfits…

“…okay, yes, and Green Day. Lots of Green Day…

“…when this tape stops, the spikes above you will begin lowering. The only way to save yourself is to load all of those records into the furnace at your side. Every. Last. One of them. Good luck.”

Elrich, you take your time to delete illegal images from people’s accounts. But if you lose this game, you will be deleted. You are strapped to your chair, surrounded by a bear trap. If you cannot delete every single illegal copy of the pictures of Gerard Way from the Scream Awards before time runs out, the trap will trigger. And you will die.”
“Now, Ashly, you know the thin line that a person can walk between being a hero and being a villain. It comes with your study of literature. But you have fallen off of that line. This test will figure out which side you’ve landed on. At your neck is a razor sharp wire, just beyond the point of cutting into your skin. In front of you is an unedited manuscript by Stephenie Meyer. You must read the manuscript the whole way through. If you stop, close your eyes or look away, the wire will cut deep into your throat, slicing your vocal chords. And you will bleed to death, unable to scream. Enjoy your reading…”