Amy Winehouse Will Never Hurt You

So for those of you who haven’t been following the saga of Amy Winehouse, I’ll fill you in. Basically, she was admitted to the hospital in mid-June after she fainted. She was released a few days later and warned that if she continued to smoke, drink and do drugs, she would die. Quickly.

Three days after her release, she was caught smoking and walking around with three bottles of liquor in her hand.

Then, just last week, she was photographed smoking a joint.

THEN, just this Tuesday, she was rushed to the hospital again. Her father claims it was because her drink was spiked with ecstasy.

I don’t think “spiked” is the word you’re looking for, Mitch. I think you meant “mixed” or “chased.”

So now she’s resting at home. And getting deliveries.



I see only two logical conclusions to this.

1) Wine house became a vampire right after she was released from the hospital and told that she’d die if she didn’t stop smoking, drinking or doing drugs. Obviously the Amy Winehouse solution was to become the undead. So she’s mixing the blood into the Slush Puppie machine.


2) She’s decided to take a page from Elizabeta Bathory and bathe in the blood of virgins to maintain/regain her youth. While drinking Slush Puppies.

Amy, some quick tips of things to watch out for:

  • Sunlight
  • Fire
  • Crucifixes
  • Lily Allen, The Vampire Slayer