So, for awhile, Ari and I have been slowly but surely trying to provoke Perez Hilton. In that “itching powder in his boxers” sort of way.

Sorry, Ari. Now is the time where I’m going to approach that attention whoring snake and beat the fucker with a big stick to agitate him. Because the time has come.

Perez, I stopped reading your site on a regular basis awhile ago. Because it seemed to me you had the sense of humor, not to mention the IQ, of a 14-year-old boy. Wait, let me correct that. Your average 14-year-old boy, I’ve known some mature 14-year-olds in my time.

Do you know what the word “sycophant” means, Perez? It means someone who kisses someone else’s ass entirely because it is in their own self interest. Because it will get them further in life, because it will get them a reward, like more status…or e-fame. We all do it occasionally, sometimes a little ass kissing is a good thing. But Perez, you are not just a sycophant, you are a backstabbing asshole.

Pete Wentz has supported you in a lot of ways. He’s hung out with you and appeared on MTV with you.

And you’ve now turned around and accused him of being an attention whore during an incident where he was attempting to protect his pregnant wife and their unborn child from overly-aggressive paparazzi.

Nice friendship thar, Perez.

But I wouldn’t expect anything else from you, really. You’re the sort who writes an entire article accusing Trace Cyrus of Metro Station of being transphobic because of his feud with Jeffree Star. Except that the feud was over shit Star has said about Trace’s girlfriend and at no point did Cyrus say anything in reference to Jeffree Star’s apparent gender dysphoria. But you still tried to paint him as a bigot, despite the fact that in this situation both parties are behaving stupidly. But only one of them has been caught on camera uttering racial slurs.

But what’s more important here is that, on the exact same day, you turned around and used “tranny” as an insult towards Brooke Hogan.

Wow, Perez! Your utter hypocrisy astounds me! No, really. How do you fucking justify it? Oh, I’m guessing with continuing undeserved e-fame, sourceless “rumors,” starting feuds with celebrities with actual talent (sorry, but Lily Allen owned your unattractive ass) and that priceless talent of altering celebrity pictures in MS Paint. Plus, your ability to project your issues with your sexuality and fame whoring onto everyone else in Hollywood. Kudos, man. You have proven yourself to be beyond a shadow of a doubt an utter waste of time and space.

Oh, and one more thing? You called the Black Canary a ho. There’s this funny thing called “research” Perez. Black Canary does dress like that, yes. She’s also one of the strongest martial artists in the DC Universe. She’s a superheroine. Anyone who attempted to solicit her would quickly find their head buried in their ass almost as far as yours is.

You’re tempting me to ask DC to give you more undeserved fame in a special comic entitled “Perez Hilton Meets the Black Canary.” Where in you run a rumors site about superheroes. And you run a story about “lesbian activity in the Birds of Prey” (her former team affiliation, try to keep up). And then she shows up and beats the ever living fuck out of you.

I really feel it would be one of their top sellers. All proceeds would go towards women’s shelters. Because, you know, you’re so sensitive to women’s issues.