The Big Twilight Question:

Edward Cullen “died” at the age of 17, right? And has been physically 17 for almost 100 years.


Think about your average 17 year old boy. Even your above average 17 year old boy.

Actually, I really think it was said best in that GOOD teenage vampire series by Joss Whedon:

Cordelia: Do guns make you wanna have sex?Xander: I’m 17, linoleum makes me wanna have sex.

Okay, so we know that Edward hasn’t felt ANYTHING for ANYONE until Bella. And because in Meyer’s universe, love and sex are equated and having sex without true love and marriage is BAD, NAUGHTY, WRONG, TERRIBLE, CANDLE SALAD, this implies Edward Cullen is more than likely a virgin.

LOL 100 year old virgin. They really should have gotten Steve Carell to play the part in the movie.

Hey, Carell dazzles me, you tasteless plebes! Just check out his glistening topaz orbs!
But besides that, Meyer’s projected morality on the books is obvious. Sex hurts women, you don’t do it until after you’re married, it’s scary bad-wrong and icky icky icky.

So does that extend to masturbation?

In other words, is Smeyer REALLY trying to convince me that someone who has been a 17 year old boy for over 100 years has really NEVER FLOGGED HIS DOLPHIN? Edward has never beat his meat, shook hands with little Eddie, pet his ferret, played with his willie?


I can suspend disbelief when it comes to vampires. Unfortunely, as many young Twilight fans have shown me, I don’t have to suspend disbelief when it comes to a woman being stupid and spineless enough to stay in an extremely emotionally abusive relationship just because he’s OMG so hawt and says he loves you when it’s all over.

Am I hurting your soul, Stephers? Want me to twist the knife deeper by saying that Bella is your blantant and poorly written Mary Sue and that your little scene where Bella hit Jacob and broke her hand was basically saying women shouldn’t defend themselves from unwanted sexually advances because it’ll hurt them more in the end? What the fuck was Bella supposed to do, Steph? Lie back and think of *dazzle?*

But anyway, I can suspend disbelief so far. But I cannot truly believe that anyone, male or female, who is physically 17 for that long could really have gone 100 years without masturbating.

And Bella, I know you’re not real, but here’s a suggestion: buy a vibrator. They make glittery ones. It’ll probably be better for you than your first time with Edward. ‘Cause if he’s gone that long, well, let me put it this way: you’ll be humming Missy Elliot’s “One Minute Man” for the next three weeks.