“Stake” as a Double Entendre?

Random: In the latest Buffy comic they made her a lesbian.Me: No, they didn’t. She experimented with another Slayer. She’s bi-curious. And that’s how Whedon writes most of his characters. He’s even flat out said that Angel and Spike have fucked.Random: Oh. Okay.Me: Besides, it could be worse. It could be Frank Miller writing it.



(scene: external city at night. We’re in a bad section of town, it’s dark and dreary, lit by neon signs and the flash of cigarettes in the darkness. We see panels of men and women shuffling around, obviously engaging in activies not meant to be seen by the light of day. This is the real world, this is harsh, cruel reality.

And there are so many whores.)

(scene: Alleyway. We see a close up of a pair of perfect, firm breasts behind a tight tank top. The cleavage is nicely sized and her chest is clearly heaving. We focuse on the breasts for a good long time.)

V.O.: Welcome to Sunnydale. It’s the sort of city that puts hair on a man’s chest and puts a woman where she really ought to be.

(pan back to show the goregous titties belong to a young blonde woman. Her ensemble is topped off with a miniskirt and a pair of knee high boots. This is BUFFY. She is on her knees in front of a man, obviously a customer.)

Buffy: (V.O.) My name’s Buffy. Most of the time I’m walking the streets here. It’s a living, I guess. Wont’ say I enjoy it. Just something I have to do. You know what they say, gotta use what you’ve got.

(BUFFY pulls off of the man and wipes her mouth with the back of her hand)

Customer: Hey! I paid to come in your mouth! Gimme what I paid for!

(BUFFY stands, reaching into her cleavage to pull out a wad of bills.)

Customer: HEY! I’m talking to you!

(BUFFY glares at him, and quickly pulls a wooden stake from between those luscious melons. She lunges forward, thrusting the stake into the vampire’s heart. The vampire quickly turns to dust.)

Buffy: Ugh. All over my new boots.(V.O.) Oh. I forgot to mention. I slay vampires.

(cut to: Bronze Interior, a few hours later. The Bronze is a seedy bar where gorgeous women hang around with the sort of men who drink a whiskey for breakfast and then again for lunch. There are women dancing around poles at either end of the bar, one of them a lean red head with boobs to kill for. She twirls around the pole, then quickly rearranges herself to hang upside down, taunting the salivating men watching her.)

(Buffy enters, hands in the pockets of her leather jacket.)

Buffy: (V.O.) The Bronze. Can’t say I like it much. Too many familiar faces for me. I’ve seen most of these guys writhing under me, begging me to beat them, flog them, get them off no matter how. Pain kinks, humiliation kinks, they all get their fix from me. Not that I’m complaining. You never know what a man’s really like until you’ve tied him down and…(Buffy looks up at the red head on the pole and smiles)…well, you don’t want to hear the rest of this story.

(Buffy sits down near the pole and pulls out her wad of cash. She takes a few singles and offers them to the stripper, who dances towards her, does a split and looks at Buffy expectantly)

Buffy: (V.O.) That’s Willow. Nah, really, that’s her real name. It’s like her folks wanted her to end up like this, dancing for a bunch of drunks and getting them all worked up. They want her.

(Buffy puts the singles into her mouth, holding them between her teeth. Willow leans over, presses their mouths together, and comes away with the money, smirking)

Buffy: (V.O.) But I get to take her home.

(Buffy turns to the bar to see a man of the highest manliness possible. This man is XANDER and he is a REAL man. He is such a man that he doesn’t even like to touch other men. No, what Xander wants is titties. Nice, firm, feminine titties. And other girl parts. He wants to feel them between his nimble fingers, let them lick his perfectly sculpted chest, feel them run their tongues along his cupid’s bow lips in anticipation of sucking off his magnificent cock. Yes, there is no doubting. Xander is a man’s man and no lover of boys.)

Buffy: I need a drink.

Xander: Got ID?

(Buffy leans over and shows Xander the view down her shirt. We get an extended view.)

Buffy: How’s that?

Xander: (snorts) Nothing I haven’t seen before, darling.

(Xander takes pity on the poor whore and pours her a drink. He’s such a giving soul, people sometimes don’t understand his gruff exterior is really covering up the insecurities within. Not that he has any of those sexually. He knows he likes girls. No, women. Real women. With boobs.)