The Divine Art of Being a Bitch

When our society is long gone, and archaeologists are recreating our day to day lives, I like to believe they will assume that bloggers were worshiped as gods. Bree will be the Goddess of Fabulousness, DJ Rossstar will be the God of Mediocre But Enjoyable College Music, OunceofWentz will be the God of Pure Glee and Mark will of course be King of the Gods and also God of Vegans Who Can Fuck Your Shit Up.

And me? I’d like to be Goddess of Snarky Bitches.

I declare this to be my holy symbol! Or something.

Really, there is a divine art to being a bitch. It’s walking a balance between being a push over and being utterly unbearable. You tread on a fine line, and you do it all with grace and a pair of fuck me boots.

This morning I watched as a girl was pestered by a man old enough to be her father the entire time we were on a bus together. This girl was just trying to listen to her iPod when the man started inquiring about the technology. Then, he went on to ask “Do you have any hip-hop on that thing?” When she said “not really,” his immediate reaction was “So, you’ve got a lot of country and western, then?”

…and my bitch senses kick in, because honestly, you assume that just because a person is white they’re into country and western? Especially when this conversation is taking place on a bus in the middle of an urban area north of the Mason Dixon line? Don’t get me wrong, I’ve got some Big and Rich and Kid Rock on my iPod, but it’s buried beneath my massive amounts of My Chem.

And this girl continues to talk to the guy, even when he’s asking questions about:

-are you gonna get married?-where do you live?-you plan on having kids one day?

And my bitch urge to scream ‘OH MY GOD, SHE’S NOT INTERESTED, SHUT UP!’ is overwhelming by the time I step off the bus.

So why didn’t I?

Because, as a Goddess, I believe in helping those who help themselves. Meaning, I was waiting for this girl to just put the other headphone back in, turn up the Pearl Jam she was listening to, and blow this guy off. Yes, it would have been a bitch thing to do.

But the guy was being an asshole and asking questions he didn’t have a right to after knowing this girl for all of five minutes. And really, when he’s being an asshole? You be a bitch. Don’t apologize, don’t regret it, just be a bitch.

And that’s a general message. There comes a time in every woman’s life where she finds the need to be a bitch.