“Ice” to See You
So, my favorite sushi place in Pittsburgh has a mailing list…because just about everyone and everything has a mailing list these days. They send me information about special deals and events and parties they’re throwing in the sushi bar.
Well, with Valentine’s Day coming up, you know the entire world has turned it’s attention to that most pressing issue facing us all today: meeting somebody to fuck up the rest of your life with.
I kid, I kid. Romance is a beautiful thing and I’m sure other people find it quite reassuring. Me? I’ve pretty much lost faith in it, but hey, I’m angry and jaded. What can you do?
So, back to the sushi.
The place, called Nakama, sends me this e-mail:
Are You Looking for Attention?
Are You Single and Don’t Want To Be?
Are You Lonely, Especially around Valentine’s Day?
If you answered YES to any of these questions, you need Nakama’s help.Let’s have some fun and play Matchmaker!
Here’s How:
Come in to the cocktail lounge the weekend before Valentines Day on Thursday-Feb 7th, Friday-Feb 8th or Saturday-Feb 9th.
Buy a cocktail (If it’s a beer, you’ll need a glass to participate)
Add a light cube to your purchase and choose a corresponding color!Put it in your drink and see what happens next!
Change the color to best fit your description or mood so maybe you can meet that special someone!At least it’s a good conversation starter!
Red – Available
Green –In a Relationship
Blue – It’s Complicated
Multi – What Happens at Nakama, Stays at Nakama
Lovely.
First off, Nakama, your formatting is SHIT. This has got to be the ugliest invitation to romance I have ever received…and I’ve been hit on via Myspace.
Secondly…we’re just going to ignore the fact that “Want some attention” is the first thing proposed in this. We’re not even going to touch that, because I’ve already done enough angry blogging for this week.
No, we’re going to talk about those four categories there. Only four? I mean…”it’s complicated?” That doesn’t really explain much. And if you’re putting an “It’s complicated” in your drink, odds are somebody’s going to sit down to try and ask you how complicated it is. And then they get to try and soothe you with “Aw, baby, it’s okay. I’m not like other guys. Really. Now come on, I’ve got some great candy in my van.”
Kidding! Well, sort of.
Might I suggest possibly expanding the color selection? I mean, now I’m tempted to sneak my own ice cube in. Imagine some of the color possibilities:
Baby Blue: I have daddy issues
Pink: I have mommy issues
Yellow: Where have all the cowboys gone? 🙁
Magenta: Don’t bother me now, I’m arranging matches.
Flashing Green and Yellow: I tie people up in my basement and then video tape them. Come on, come on, the camera’s on, baby.
Flashing Blue and Red: Ask me about my house arrest anklet.
Purple: I’ll constantly disappoint you by sneaking out in the middle of dates to fight crime because I’M THE GODDAMN BATMAN
Obnoxious strobe effect: I’m Kevin Federline
SUGGESTED BY OTHERS:
Orange: I have seventeen cats at home and an extensive collection of Bridal Magazines. Dear God, someone PLEASE talk to me.by xblanksface
Zebra: pin on a tail and let’s go.by failbot
Bronze: I’m so desperate to meet someone that I stuffed my bra with Kleenex and tanned myself with barbeque sauce.by theredcardaudition
Really? All I want when I go out for sushi is some good unagi roll and a nice seaweed salad. That’s all. Don’t wanna party, don’t wanna get drunk. Just want some eel.
So I’ll be avoiding Nakama that weekend. Which shouldn’t be hard, considering I wasn’t planning on going there anyway. But if anybody does check it out, let me know! Hey, odd are it’ll be fun that the angry single girl just missed out on!
