How to Become Big on Buzznet: A Practical Guide

Please note, this is the process I used and as you all know I am now an internet celebrity with a huge fan following and an entourage.Applications for more entourage members will be available next week.

On the night of a waning moon, collect:

two candles made from the fat of unbaptized babies

a knife forged in blue flames

a black goat (a few white spots are permissible, I suppose)

and the menstrual blood of a virgin in a silver vial. Go to a place where you can clearly see the horizon, point your altar to the south and then use the blood in the vial to paint a satanic symbol on the goat’s head…or just write Mariah Carey’s name. That’s actually more powerful.

Slaughter the goat with the ritual blade and wash your hands in it’s blood then anoint the candles. Light them and perform the following incantation:

“We’re going down, down in a looleelooraugh and sugar we’re going down swinging!”

Your hits to your page should increase within a month. Or your hands will fall off. Either way, your life has just gotten more interesting.