I have a little pink star that shows up on my profile and when I post comments.
Apparently that star is a big deal. Personally, I tend to think it is. It’s something I earned, something I was surprised to be presented with. It was like a birthday present and a pat on the back “Hey, you did something good. All the time and effort you’ve put into your blogs and your participation in the buzznet community? We noticed. You’re cool.”
I was a nerd in high school. About the only thing I had going for me was that I could rant and rail against “the establishment” or against unpopular ideas and opinions. I was outspoken, angry, revolutionary. I didn’t lay down and take what was handed to me, I had a way with words and I wasn’t afraid to use them. I decided that in my future I wanted to use that way with words to do something, I wanted words to be the focus of my life.
I lost that for awhile. I lost MYSELF for awhile. Then as part of my rediscovery I found buzznet. And the words started coming again. First they were messed up and whiny and Wentzian, but eventually they became the same sorts of things I’d gone on about in high school. I was surprised and horrified to discover that I could still rant about the same things in 2007 that I’d ranted about in 2001 BECAUSE THEY HADN’T REALLY CHANGED.
And people took notice. People ended up reading and caring about what I had to say. I suddenly had an audience again, people who waited for updates from me. And suddenly after just about a year on the site I’ve got a little pink star. And it’s BECAUSE OF THOSE WORDS.
It is a big deal. It’s something I’m very proud of. It’s something I’ve earned.
And there’s the key word. “Earned.”
It only took me a year and I still boggle over that. Yeah, sure, when I started writing some of my stuff I thought “Hey, it would be cool if this got noticed/got linked/got featured.” It’s true sometimes I write things with the thought of “I hope this gets plastered on the main page.” And yeah, I’d like to use this blog to launch a writing career, to help myself get published, to make my dream come true.
But when that happens (trying to be positive in the new year) it’ll be because I worked and I earned it. It’s not because I went to someone and complained and said “I deserve this.” It’s because I know deep down I deserve to be happy, to do what I want with my life, but that I shouldn’t have to say it. It should be there UNDER the rest of those words, it should be the one thing that remains unsaid and yet is screamed in every line I write.
I do what I do because I want to be somebody, not because I think I already am.