New Year, Same Old Questions
So New Year’s Eve was kinda awesome. After a disappointing time last year, I managed to score an invite to a party hosted by martial arts people. If you know nothing about martial arts people? They throw the BEST fucking parties.
Anyway, there was food and fun and Rock Band, which is the greatest thing ever created. As the guy I was attempting (poorly) to flirt with all night put it, “See, if it came down to ‘Should they cure cancer or invent Rock Band? It’s ROCK BAND. No question.'”
That’s paraphrased. I’d had a few Coronas and a few shots of rum by that point. Plus they’d been making me sing Radiohead songs I didn’t know.
(the car ride home:Me: That was AWESOME.Random…or maybe Zen, I don’t recall: Yeah. Except that was the angriest version of “Creep” I’d ever heard.Me: …it’s not supposed to be angry?)
So after sleeping through my hangover…for the most part at least…I was talking to Random online and she mentioned that one of the guys at the party inquired about my status. Of course it wasn’t the guy I’d been attempting (poorly) to flirt with, it was another guy who seemed nice enough but not really the type I go for.
Which suddenly put me at odds with everything I have ranted about and tried to stand for in this blog. This was the first time a decent guy had shown interest in me since I started leaving my apartment again. So…what was I supposed to do? I wasn’t really interested, and in fact the only reason I would be interested in him was that he was interested in me. Which seemed shallow and selfish. Plus I wasn’t attracted to him, which seemed even MORE shallow. Like as long as he was nice to me I shouldn’t care what he looked like, but he just wasn’t pushing any buttons on the “Unf unf unf”-o-meter.
Then I panicked about how to let him down. Should I play the “I’m still recovering from a messy break-up” card? Should I claim I’m not dating or looking right now? Or should I (shudder) tell the truth and risk hurting his feelings? Because, of course, his feelings wouldn’t be hurt if he finds out I lied/made excuses/etc.
I just felt like the NICE thing to do was lie. Or even just give him one date because he was interested. And yet that seems so fucking WRONG to me, to claim that the only thing I’m looking for in a guy was an interest in me and a full set of teeth. And I began wondering if it was due to my own issues, my fucked up dating history or *gasp* my gender conditioning.
Does anyone else have this problem where you feel GUILTY for turning down a date with someone? Like the least you should do is see a movie, even if you’re not interested? Because I feel guilty turning them down but I can’t imagine I’d feel any better if I led someone on and let them think there was interest when there genuinely wasn’t.
Does this sound like a social thing or like something I came up with out of my own (admittedly) fucked-up head? Is it wrong for a woman at 25 to still hold out hope that she’s going to meet her “rock star?” Rock star used metaphorically, of course, except when it’s totally NOT. Please keep in mind that at 25 I have no plans of having kids, so does a relationship even MATTER in my life at this point?
It’s a new year, but I’m still rehashing all my old issues.
Minus the hash, of course.