Epic Mythos

“Bisexuals are just greedy!”

“Bisexual girls are just lesbians who are too scared to come out of the closet.”

“Bisexual girls are just straight girls who make out with other girls so guys will buy them drinks.”

“Bisexual girls are total sluts who will fuck anything.”

Hi. I’m the New Age Amazon. I’m bisexual.

Yes, you’ll notice that I do not list myself as bisexual either here or on myspace. Why? Because of the tendency of people to believe the sort of STUPID things I’ve opened this rant up with. I would get at least three or four messages a week from guys asking me if I wanted to hook up with them. I couldn’t figure out why, especially since my profile warns against such things. But then I realized the only thing these guys were looking at was my sexual orientation.

Look, this may come as a shock to you, but being a bisexual doesn’t lead me into wacky sexytime adventures. It doesn’t mean I’m spending every night with someone different, depending on what gender I feel like. It doesn’t mean I’m randomly making out with every hot person I run into. It doesn’t mean I’ll fuck anything. To that end, I’m working on a song titled “I’ll Kiss Girls But I Won’t Kiss You (Move Out of Your Mother’s Basement Already).”

I’m not going to whine and cry about “BUT IT’S HARD BEING A BISEXUAL!” because it’s really not. It’s not something that really affects any aspect of my life aside from dating and sex. Which I’m not seeing much of anyway these days, but that’s beside the point. My point being that bisexuals are just like everybody else, in reality.

But not in reality TV.

“A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila” is a new MTV reality show where 16 straight guys and 16 lesbians (and I ask where are the bisexuals in that crowd?) compete for the “love” of the “Queen of Myspace.”


As she puts it herself in her myspace blog:but there is a catch…..the show will be about me finding love as a BISEXUAL!!!!! THAT IS CRAZY RIGHT? So on my new reality show there will be 16 male contestants and 16 female contestants all fighting for my love….the only twist is….yes, there is another twist….the only twist is that these guys and these girls have NO IDEA that I am bisexual and that they are competing against each others sexes!!! GUYS AGAINST GIRLS….WHO WILL I END UP HOOKING UP WITH????? WILL I BE STRAIGHT OR LESBIAN IN THE END?????

Oh my God! How WACKY is that! Finding love as a BISEXUAL! IT’S SO DIFFICULT!

Fuck you. It’s not any harder than finding love as someone who identifies as straight or gay. It’s the same premise, you date, you find somebody you mesh with, you go steady, they break your heart and leave you a hollow husk of a woman.

But I want to know, will we also see you MAKING BREAKFAST AS A BISEXUAL? How about DRIVING A CAR AS A BISEXUAL! Maybe even BUYING LIGHTBULBS AS A BISEXUAL! The drama! The struggle! The RATINGS! Because everything’s DIFFERENT when you’re bisexual, right?!

And as for the “Will I be straight or lesbian in the end,” here’s a wacky idea. You’ll be bisexual. Like you are now. Dating one gender does not mean you’ll stop being attracted to the other.

But continue to perpetuated that stereotype that bisexuals are just indecisive, honey. It’ll get you ratings and it’ll give me plenty to rant about.