The Hills S2, Ep 7: He is a SUCKY PERSON

Let’s skip the fluff and get to the dirt: Heidi & Jen are on a chummy shopping mish when Jen says she wants to go on a double date with Heidi and Spencer. And she wants Brody to be HER date! What a lecherous wench! I knew Jen was trouble. Whats worse is Heidi says “she shouldnt live in fear” of what Lauren will think. Which makes Heidi a two-faced wench! (Sorry, I get so emotional…)

Oblivious, Whitney & Lauren talk about Jen’s 21st bday. If they knew, they’d probably be saying “Let’s get the b*tch drunk and leave her on Santa Monica Blvd!” Well, not really. They’re too passive aggressive and nice. Lauren says how Jen’s been a “really good friend” since 3rd grade, and has practically been living with her since Heidi was indoctrinated into the cult of Spencer Pratt.

Cut to Brody & Spencer cruising. Or something. Spencer wails about his biological impulse to hit on girls when he hears them laugh, and how he has to remind himself “girlfriend! girlfriend!” (Really? I mean, should it BE that HARD?) Anyway, then they start referring Jen as “Jen Bunny” or just plain “Bunny” and says she’s a “Cutie Pie”… what is this, Kindergarten?! THEN Spencer says “I think you should mack Jen” reintroducing a word no one has used since 1991. Did that come before or after scam? Anyway. Then Spencer says something about “Getting in the back door.” Uh… ew?

Jen’s Bday dinner takes place at The Geisha House, and once Heidi get there Lauren makes a heartfelt toast to the girl “whos always been there for me no matter what! Here’s to a decade of friendship!” Jen then emphasizes the difference between friends and best friends, and I’m totally shooting her dirty looks. They gift her with a REAL diamond martini necklace. I hope Lauren uses it to choke her later.

Quote of the Episode: “Look, I love you so much I’m eating carbs on your birthday.

Readers, take note– diamonds and carbs are the true measures of love in The Hills.

Jen acts all “Oh sh*t!” when Heidi tells her that Brody is coming, but the b*tch is smiling. Heidi and her take a bathroom gossip break where Heidi makes it apparent that part of the induction into the Spencer Pratt cult means adopting his cringe-worthy vocab– “He would mack you ASAP” They’re obvi planning to emotionally torture Lauren, and that makes me sad 🙁

In the club: Why do they all have to yell so much? As if the cameras don’t attract enough attention? Or is that Hills-speak for OMGZZZ I HAVE SUCH A FUN LIFE AND YOU DONT? Anyway, at this point I am suspicious of how all this is being edited, because Brody says “Heidi, find me a girl.

Oh, and apparently it’s “Bunney” not “Bunny.” Jen is freaking out thinking Lauren is mad at her, while Heidi and Brody reassure her that because it’s her Bday, no one can get mad at her. Riiiiight. Jen says maybe he should get up and walk away. So he does. One team point for Jen, which I will rip back later. The Brody Jenner Endorsement Camp is bummed.

They speak in “likes” and looks and to be honest, I’m not sure what’s going on. Then the Brody Jenner Endorsement Camp/Cult of Spencer Pratt take Jen and leave. Without telling the rest of their crew.

The next morning Lauren is hoarse-voiced and down because “Bunney” had the nerve to call her and ask if it was okay to hook up with Brody. Whitney says people need to get their priorities straight. Amen to that.

Audrina gossips to another intern at Epic about Jen & Heidi’s b*chy tactics. She says she thinks that Spencer is brainwashing her— and I totally agree. Cut back to Lauren, and Jen rings her up with a barrage of excuses. Lauren tells her she doesn’t want excuses, she wants her to admit she did something bad, and say she’s sorry. And that b*tch goes “Okayyyyy then, I’m sorry I called.” Lauren hangs up and throws her phone on the floor.

Later that night Heidi goes to Lauren and says she had nothing to do with it. Hello, this is all being taped, remember Heidi? Lauren calls out Heidi for being Spencer-washed. Heidi says she needs reminding, and Lauren is disgusted– “I have to REMIND YOU to be MY BEST FRIEND?!” Then she gets really riled up and yells “Spencer is a SUCKY PERSON. He is a SUCKY PERSON! I hate Spencer, I am NEVER gonna like Spencer. It’s not gonna be fine until you and Spencer are BROKEN UP.”

Sighhhh. That episode really took a lot out of me.

Also read IBBB‘s take on Hillzdrama