Pop Culture Journals

Across the interwebs, there are those known for their wit. Their humor. Their galleries of self portraits with the same expression every time. I am not one of those people. However, in this charming little distraction called real life, I can give some pretty good advice. Every day I receive letters from celebrities and normal people alike, asking me to help them with their problems. Here, I will answer them: maybe you, the generation lost to the internet, can benefit from my advice as well.

Sincerely,

Dr. Evelyn Nonsense, PhD

(commonnonsense)

Letter from the week of 5/1/09

Dear Dr. Nonsense,

So! As you may have heard either through our frequent (every twelve seconds!) Twitter updates of completely unscripted reality TV show, we are a newly married couple! PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY! But now that we are married, we are beginning to understand the trials and tribulations of being a completely commited couple that spawned from an awful reality TV show.

For example, when you get married in Mexico, apparently it doesn't count in the United States.

...What.

And now we probably have Swine Flu. Like, EPIC FAIL of a wedding, to be honest. So, we come back from Mexico all innocent and pure and then we hear that our marriage is fake. What would God think? Or our Republican brethren?

Therefore, to make it was more real, we decided to feature it on a reality TV show. Because nothing gurantees true love, adoration, and all that death-to-us-part stuff than being on TV, right?!

We need help! We need to convince everyone that we're in this FOR REAL and not just to promote HEIDI MONTAG'S NEW SONG, "LOOK HOW I'M DOING," NOW AVAILABLE ON iTUNES!

ALSO LOOK FOR THE FOLLOWING IN A RELIGIOUS-GOODS STORE NEAR YOU!

- HEIDI AND SPENCER BIBLES!

- HEIDI AND SPENCER AMERICAN FLAGS!

- HEIDI AND SPENCER "MCCAIN / PALIN '08" STICKERS (THAT'S RIGHT, WE'RE NOT GIVING UP!)

- HEIDI AND SPENCER SURGICAL MASKS TO WARD OFF FLU OF THE SWINE!

- SPENCER'S SHAVED, CREEPY FLESH-COLORED BEARD ON EBAY!

And much more!

How can we tell the world (A.K.A. the approximately 237.46 people who still watch The Hills) that our marriage is for real without filling the message with product placements and poorly disguised self-promotion? We need your help, O Great and Wise Yet Totally Liberal Doctor!

Love and hearts and God,

A totally loving and not attention-seeking couple STARRING IN "THE HILLS" ON MTV!

Dear "Speidi,"

...If that is your real name.

Your both have the same problem. It's a rare disease of the mind called "attentionseekeriliosis." So, I am sorry to inform you that you are very, VERY sick.

And you probably have Swine Flu, too.

What you need to do is rent a little house somewhere and escape. And by "escape," I do not mean "Go on vacation and then invite the paparazzi to take pictures of you in your little bikinis while holding hands and laughing and delighting in all of your celebrity glory."

That's not a vacation, kids. That's a photoshoot. You are not a scene queen; therefore, you don't need to take a camera everywhere. My own personal opinions concerning the scene aside, taking pictures is their job. Your job is growing pedophile-esque facial hair, being terrible actors, and creating songs that late-night drag queen clubs would play.

So, your job is almost harder.

MIND-FREAK.

Honey, WAVE that American flag. And do it with PRIDE. But don't do it in front of a thousand flashing cameras and creepy, ex-convict photographers shouting "OW OW, HOT MAMA!"

Maybe if you detach yourself a bit from the public, you will be able to relate to them a bit more.

With little to no patriotic joy,

Dr. Nonsense

P.S. GOOD GOD, I DON'T CARE IF LAUREN WAS AT YOUR WEDDING!

WARNING! BEFORE YOU COMMENT!

We all know disclaimers do not rule, but I need to say: THIS IS 100% FAKE. PLEASE DO NOT COMMENT IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE HUMOR. Also, I am in no way attempting to disrespect anyone. I have never met these people, and I can't really judge them. End of story.

macro by yours truly.