Tonight, at 9pm EST / 6pm PST time, the entire world is set to watch an utter disaster: Sarah Palin and Joe Biden will debate, for the first time, live on television. Will Palin be able to construct a single grammatically correct sentence? Will Biden make wild claims that are grossly inaccurate and over-exaggerated? WHO WILL LEAVE THE THUNDERDOME?



Now, I'm certainly one to take politics seriously, but I have nothing but utter hope that tonight, we will witness the most hilarious and disturbing display of inanity and chaos imaginable. Big Brother wishes it was this dramatic.

I'll begin live-blogging later this night, sometime around 5:30-5:45 pm PST. (That's 8:30-8:45pm on the east coast for those who are not time-zone inclined.) Truth is, I don't think I would otherwise be able to make it through the debate without some sort of cathartic therapy. And guess what, Buzznet? YOU'RE MY THERAPIST. Only I'm not going to pay you. I'll probably just turn my caps lock on.

So, gather 'round your computers and your television sets. Let's try to survive this experience....together.

5:52pm: LIVEBLOGGING HAS BEGUN. Because I'm some sort of hippie, I don't actually have a cable, so I'm literally using an old school antenna. So right now I'm watching a stupid campaign ad from McCain on ABC, the only clear channel I have. AWESOME. He looks even older.

5:59pm: ABC's music for the debate is SO DRAMATIC. Also, all the ads are anti-Obama. LOLBIAS.

6:01pm: 6 out of 10 Americans question whether Palin is qualified. The rest of us wonder if Biden's head will explode.

6:02pm: OMFG IT HAS STARTED.

6:03pm: Gwen Ifill is SMASHING. Biden first!!!

6:04pm: Biden hits out of the park on the very first question: Our economic system is a complete wreck. Now he's talking about Obama. ZZZzZZZzzzZZZZzzz get on to shooting elephants out of helicopters.

6:05pm: IT FUCKING TOOK HER 20 SECONDS TO TELL A STUPID STORY THAT ISN'T TRUE. OHMYGOD PLEASE DON'T VOTE FOR HER. Also, she isn't really answering the question.

6:06pm: Palin, McCain suspending his campaign was A GIANT POLITICAL MOVE. Also, I hope they ask more about Biden's work with women's rights. That's his strong point.

6:06pm: Oh man, Biden is about to tear McCain apart. JOHN IS OUT OF TOUCH.

6:08pm: Palin and Biden are actually looking at each other!

6:09pm: HAHAHAHA IFILL CALLED BOTH OF THEM OUT FOR NOT ANSWERING THE QUESTION. Also, McCain can't be energetic because he's ooooollllllldddddd.

6:10pm: JOE SIX PACK. HOCKEY MOMS. HOLY FUCKING SHIT, PLEASE STOP IT.

6:11pm: Sarah Palin, if the economy in America is not our fault, WHOSE FAULT IS IT? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

6:12pm: Palin pretty much blew Ifill off. "Would you like to address the health care issue?" NO I WANT TO TALK ABOUT WHAT I WANT, STUPID MODERATOR.

6:13pm: It's so weird to watch these people talk only in terms of OBAMA and MCCAIN.

6:14pm: FUCKING PALIN. SHE IS ASKING YOU A QUESTION. ANSWER IT. STOP BEING SO RUDE.

6:16pm: I have this terrible fear that people are eating up Sarah Palin's inability to stay on topic. "I'm going to talk directly to the American people." UM YOU ARE ON LIVE TELEVISION. STOP SAYING THAT.

6:17pm: Did Sarah Palin say that patriotism is saying the government is usually the problem???  MY HEAD JUST EXPLODED.

6:18pm: I am at a fucking loss. $5,000 a year to buy health insurance versus having mandated health care? BIDEN, PLEASE TEAR HER APART.

6:20pm: Thank GOD Biden is tearing apart McCain's health care plan. The Bridge to Nowhere comment was INCREDIBLE. HOLY SHIT.

6:22pm: Biden just slammed down so much knowledge. Also, Palin, just so you know, McCain changes his mind all the time. Also, Palin REFUSES TO STAY ON TOPIC.

6:23pm: Take on the oil companies? SARAH PALIN, YOU RECEIVED MONEY FROM ALL OF THEM.

6:24pm: I seriously can't stand this. I have a fucking headache. ANSWER. THE. QUESTION.

6:27pm: Biden is intelligent, but god, he is so boring. Also, guess who's not answering the question again?

6:29pm: I WANT TO TALK ABOUT WHAT I WANT TO TALK ABOUT. STOP TRYING TO CONTROL ME. THIS IS ABSOLUTELY FUCKING INSANE.

6:30pm: CLIMATE CHANGE. Oh shit, this should be good.

6:31pm: Sarah Palin is one crafty dame. I can't believe she just said, "Hey, I don't want to answer your question. LET ME TURN THIS INTO MY DEBATE.

6:32pm: "If you don't know what the cause is, you can't take care of the solution." Thank you, Joe Biden!!!

6:34pm: Wow, Biden totally nailed the climate change question and guess what? He stayed on topic.

6:35pm: It is clear that Sarah Palin HATES MOTHER EARTH. Also, isn't limiting our dependence on oil a solution to the crisis?

6:35pm: Sarah Palin answered a question. Her response was three words long. Wow.

6:37pm: Same sex rights!!!! This is one of the few reasons I'd support Biden and Obama. Ah...I am so happy.

6:37pm: You're not tolerant if you RESTRICT GAY RIGHTS. Also, are you using the, "I have gay friends" defense.

6:39pm: Palin just missed the whole fucking point. Obama and Biden support CIVIL UNIONS.

6:41pm: Palin talking about Iraq is like listening to a 6th grader give a book report. WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

6:43pm: Oh man, Palin is actually being flat-out rude. Biden is a moron for saying those things about Obama, though, so it's his fault. But oh man, LOW BLOW.

6:46pm: FUNDAMENTAL. FUNDAMENTAL. FUNDAMENTAL. Pick a new word, Biden. Jeez. Also, when you talk about foreign policy, I sort of feel like you know what you're talking about.

6:47pm: At this point, it's clear that Sarah Palin has no respect for any sort of process. And everyone is going to love it. Sigh.

6:48pm: Palin talking about foreign policy = LOLWUT WHAT ARE YOU SAYING.

6:49pm: Just as Sarah Palin started repeating, word for word, our current president's words about people "hating freedoms," Richard yelled out, "GUANTANAMO WHAT?" God Bless his pumpkin-ale-filled soul.

6:51pm: HAHAHAHAH MCCAIN WON'T MEET WITH SPAIN. THAT RHYMES.

6:52pm: Oh boy. Trying to counter Biden about Jerusalem? BAD IDEA.

6:54pm: Is Sarah Palin about to answer a question? She's answering a question. OH GOD JOE BIDEN LOOKS SO PISSED. Palin, the whole point of the question was TO LAME BLAME. Maverick again! STOP USING THAT WORD.

6:56pm: Too many parts of the world? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? Also, I love that she just said it was ok for us to have nuclear arms.

6:57pm: "Can we just talk about Afghanistan for a moment?" Well, shit, at this point, you can do whatever you want.

6:57pm: So we're not killing civilians in the war? Because...um...we are. Everyone knows this.

6:59pm: Biden actually just stopped himself from exaggerating, which is one of his worst qualities. Good job!

7:00pm: "Those leaders that are over there...." Sigh. Palin is painfully general. Please be specific just ONCE.

7:02pm: Richard: "Dick Luber. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA." God bless him again.

7:03pm: Will Palin talk about Darfur? Probably not.

7:03pm: GAH. That is all. GAH.

7:04pm: Oh lord. "Alaska is taking money away from Sudan! We are awesome!"

7:06pm:


7:07pm: Ifill just asked the "heartbeat away" question. I can't WAIT to hear Palin's response.

7:09pm: HAHAHA. "A team of mavericks!" I love it.

7:10pm: Not that I agree with her, but she's killing it with this whole local town thing. It's all bullshit, but man, you know people love her for it.

7:11pm: It should be an instant disqualification to say, "Doggone it." Nope. No longer allowed to be a vice president.

7:12pm: "Her reward is in Heaven." ALSO PALIN MADE A FUCKING SHOUT OUT.

Let me repeat that.

SARAH PALIN JUST MADE A SHOUT OUT TO THIRD GRADERS. Complete and utter loss.

7:14pm: How the hell is, "I would never run for vice president," more of a joke than, "I don't know what the vice president does"???

7:16pm: This is no longer a debate, guys. This is an absurd play written by Edward Albee. I am losing my mind.

7:18pm: Hahahahaha, Cheney got ragged on and he isn't even there to explain himself.

7:18pm: Fuck, Palin is killing it with the "connection to the Heartland" crap. Also, we are FAR from a perfect democracy with "equal rights," especially since you don't support equal rights for gay people.

7:20pm: Yes! The Violence Against Women Campaign! Biden's best work.

7:21pm: Holy shit, did Joe Biden almost start to cry???? Whoa, that was an intense bit of debating.

7:22pm: MAVERICK MAVERICK MAVERICK. Take it on, Biden! It's about goddamn time.

7:23pm: Holy cow. Biden is MAD. That was absolutely the best part of his whole debate. Genuine rage and genuine concern.

7:24pm: Palin is totally not going to answer the question about changing a view of her own. Just watch.

7:26pm: Wow, I was totally wrong. She answered the question.

7:27pm: This is almost over. Thank god. This hurts.

7:28pm: They're both broken records. Biden rambles on, Palin says the same thing over and over and over.

7:29pm: "I love answering these tough questions." YOU AREN'T. YOU KEEP FUCKING AVOIDING THEM.

7:30pm: Are we really going to be sitting in the sunset, reminiscing about freedom? Because if our freedom is gone, how are we exercising it?

7:31pm: I actually forgot both of their closing statements, except that Biden BLESS GOD ON OTHER PEOPLE SO HE MUST WIN.

7:33pm: Palin is freaking out about being on stage.


The debate is over. Biden sounded like an encyclopedia, Palin sounded like....I don't even know.

That was way better than I expected and not an ultimate disaster. Palin was far more responsive than I thought she would be. But man, she is nuts. I WILL NOT ANSWER YOUR QUESTIONS, SILLY MODERATOR. Was she reading a hidden script??

Sigh. Presidential debate on Tuesday!!! Shall we liveblog again????

UPDATE: In case you missed it, Mahalo has a full transcript of the debate!