Whitney Port Blog and Journals

Since IBBB is on vacation, I decided to take matters into my own hand and recap The Hills. Yes, it will suck.

"With This Ring..."

Heidi and Spencer discuss wedding plans. "I think it's time we set a date for our wedding." Heidi gushed to Spencer. His dumbass reply? "I say we elope to Cabo." What? Cabo? Are you on drugs?
I love the look Heidi gave Spencer after he said that. Hilarious!

*Theme Song*

Lauren and Audrina are physically figthing! Chill out, they're just working out while the trainer gropes Whitney.
The girls decide to go to Big Wangs, some sports bar, with Jarett, their personal trainer. Then they gossip about it afterwards at Elixir Cafe.
So Whitney's back in the game. Yay! Let's watch her fight!
Freeze frame! Spencer. In a church. Not even kidding. So continue your laughs while I continue recapping.
Spencer starts singing "Here Comes the Bride". He's an awful singer. Someone should give him a record deal. He can't rap, and he can't sing, just like any other pop star.
Hahahaha! Pre-marital counselling! And it's required! Funny joke you scabs! Funny! But the union could do better...
Whitney is wearing a pink dress and tights to a sports bar. Um...no comment.
Lauren snoops through Whitney's stuff! I think that's the only scene revolving around Lauren this episode. Hello, scabs! Lauren is the star! Gr...they need to bring back the Union. AT least they understood how to write.
Jarett groped Whitney again. Wow...guys are perverts.
Whitney has another date set with Jarrett. Or a one-on-one session. Whichever you prefer.

*Commercial break*

Whitney and Jarrett are hiking to the top of a hill, mountain, whatever. Dude is seriously wearing her out. By the end of the date, Whitney will have a heart attack! And Jarrett will grope her unconscious body.
Jumping jacks? You two just got to the top of a big hill. And now you're going to kill yourself even more?
Well, at least he finally let Whitney rest. And look at the famous "Hollywood" sign.
They make ANOTHER date to get some drinks. Three dates in ONE episode! Geez.
Heidi and Spencer are in their apartment discussing the wedding. Spencer asks, "Where do you buy bride magazines, by the way?" Same place you buy your ass cream. The grocery store. And why would he want to know? Ooo...I'm detecting foreshadowing...*
They can get china with their names on it. How about they get china that says "Heidi and Spencer: Together For Now"
Whitney says first dates can be really uncomfortable. You mean third dates? Right?
Whitney and Jarrett go to La Cantina. "Cheers. To having fun. Cheers. To dancing in a couple hours. Cheers. To being single. Cheers. To my dog dying."
He seems enthusiastic to know what her horoscope sign is. Why? You tell me!**
Two suitcases packed at Spencer and Heidi's apartment. Why?
"Surprise! We're going to Vegas to get married! Surprise! I'm a woman."*
"I got us the honeymoon suite." Is that really gonna bribe her? Wow...
He already paid for this! Hahahahahaha! Sucker!
Heidi wonders why Spencer doesn't care what she wants. Heidi! Wake up! He doesn't care about anyone! He's Spencer, who wants to be President someday! Of course he doesn't care about anyone but himself!
"We're not fighting about our wedding. We're fighting about wedding planning." Is there a difference, Spencer? By the way, good luck in polotics. You're gonna need it.
Heidi returns the ring to Spencer. Dun-dun-dun-dun.
Spencer takes the ring and his suitcase and leaves. YES!

*Commercial break*

Heidi vents to Kimberly. Gr...Kimberly could never be Heidi. There is no other Elodie! None! You hear me! None! I miss you Elodie...
Heidi is upset that Spencer left. Heidi, don't be upset! This is perfect! Now you and Lauren can be friends again! Yay!
Lauren and Whitney talk about her date at M Cafe. Whitney says her date was "comfortable". Um...weird...that's the only description you could use? How about "cheery"?
Whitney didn't like his shoes...so now they're not meant to be. Sweetite, I knew that by the minute he said, "Cheers."
Lauren teaches Whitney how to duck kissing. WHitney thinks it's awkward. I think it's funny. A new dance craze.
Heidi is back at her apartment, cutting vegetables, and pretending they were her wrist. So emo... You may not have detected it, but I detected some serious emo-ness within her.
Spencer's back. Joy. He went to his parents. And he brought flowers. Cliche.
Spencer apologizes. And he sound slike an actor reading a script. Yep. Another sign The Hills is fake.
But no, seriously. That did sound like a half-hearted apology.
No more surprises? Sure...
So he left, Heidi! That's a good thing!
They play Alicia Keys' "No One" as they cuddle. Cliche. Again.

Next time on...The Hills

Spencer has a sister who points out the obvious, "Heidi is my family now. When you hate my brother, it makes me hate you." Gee...harsh. People hate my brother and I'm friends with some of those people. Justin Bobby cheates on Audrina with a girl that looks like a man. Poor girl.

To watch this episode, go here.

* These two jokes transition together.
**This is your cue to write your own joke!