Venus Blog and Journals

For once, I was speechless. I couldn't think of anything to say, how to explain.
"Hello?," Bill repeated.
I still couldn't say anything, my stomach contracting from nerves of actually phoning Bill about this. What on earth was I doing? Or rather, what on earth had I done?
"Uhm ... hi, Bill?"
"Yeah, who's this?"
"It's ... it's Venus."
"Oh, hey! How are you? Didn't recognise your voice there," he said.
"Bill ... I kinda need to tell you something ...," I said, my stomach painfully contracting as I said this.
"Oh. What is it?," he asked.
Again, I froze. I opened my mouth to tell him, but nothing came out. My breath started to come in short gasps and soon enough, I felt dizzy.
"Venus?? Are you OK?," Bill said, sounding worried and anxious.
"Mmmmm," I managed to say.
"I'm coming over," Bill said. He didn't ask if he could, it was more of a statement. Like I didn't have a choice.
"No, no, it's okay," I said. "Really."
My attempts at persuasion were in vain.
"I'll be there in five minutes."
He hung up.
God damn it. I would have to tell him now. It seemed like there was no way out of it. The truth was surrounding me, consuming my air, making me feel breathless and dizzy. I could have thrown up, but managed not to, somehow. I could have though, if I hadn't tried to control myself so well. I hated being sick.
I went upstairs and closed the my bedroom door behind my, collapsing as soon as I did so onto the ground, leaning against the smooth wooden door. I put my head in my hands and sighed.
I wanted to cry. For once in my life, I actually wanted to cry. Sounds so weird, coming from the girl who never cried. I saw crying as a weakness, usually. But today, I saw it as an outlet. A way out. Some kind of solution.
I knew that crying didn't solve anything. But maybe it would help. I wanted to cry, but no tears came. I wanted to faint, but the darkness never consumed my eyes.
I closed my eyes and put my head in my hands.
What had I done ?!?!

I sat like that for a while, concentrating on the mysterious darkness with my eyes, trying to concentrate on the fact I could still see, even though all I could see was black.
I tried not to think. But all too soon, an image came to the peaceful darkness, distrupting the serenity of it.
There, large as life, was James. James' face as I kissed him. His half naked body wrapped round mine as we kissed passionately. My legs wrapped round him, his octopus like arms all over my body.
I felt sick.
I shook my head violently to try erase the image from my mind, but no matter how fast or hard I shook my head, the image just moved with it, haunting me.
I opened my eyes in hope that it would go. But instead, the image was etched onto the wall opposite, moving as the scene grew steadily worse into something I never wanted to see, or experience, again.
I blinked rapidly and desperately, led by a false hope that this method of deletion would work, only to find that the image was carved onto the insides of my eyelids, there every time I closed my eyes. But there every time I opened them. I threw my body onto the floor and curled up into a ball on the carpet. The image was still there, so I hugged my knees as my subconcious revealed everything that I had done. I couldn't even believe I had enjoyed any part of this. Had any desire for it. If there was anything to put someone of sex for life, this was it.
I had no idea how much time was passing, or how much had past. No idea when Bill was coming, or even if he was coming. My phone was switched off, due to a lack of battery. I wouldn't even have it on me, even if it did have battery - I didn't use it much.

Then I heard the doorbell. The familiar 'ding dong' of it filled my head and seemed louder than it possibly could be, echoing through my temples and paining me. Bill was here.
I tried to get up to answer the door, but found I had no energy to lift myself from the floor. So I lay motionless on the ground, hearing my mother walk up the stairs to answer the door.
"Oh, hello, Bill," she said as I heard the door open.
"Hi, would it be okay if I came in to talk to Venus?," Bill asked, politely.
"Yes, of course. Would you like to stay for dinner?"
"Thanks."

I heard the door shut.
"She's just upstairs ... Venus! Bill's here!," she called.
I made no attempt to move. The simple fact was, I couldn't be bothered.
The door to my bedroom opened, but stopped when it was only halfway opened, due to my feet being in the way. Knowing how skinny Bill was, I made no attempt to move them. He could get through that space, no problem.
I heard him creep silently through the door and saw his gangly shadow on the wall opposite me. He crouched down beside me.
"What's wrong?," he asked, softly.
I didn't reply, but just shook my head slightly, banging it off the floor as I did so.
He took my head and cradled in, gently bringing me into a sitting position on the floor next to him, my head now rested against him.
I still wanted to cry.
But I couldn't.

I don't know how long I sat there.
I wanted to tell him now. I felt ready to, even though he hadn't asked.
I took a deep breath.
"I just had sex with James," I whispered.
Bill didn't say anything. He just kept on cradling me in his arms. I wondered if he had heard me. Maybe he was still taking it on, or didn't know what to say. Maybe his form of dealing with it was by cradling me. Who knows?
After a while, he stopped and turned to look at me.
"Why?," he asked.
"I don't know," I replied, honestly. "It was like, I wasn't me. All I could think of was lust .... and you know."
"Yeah ..."
"And its not even like I'm attracted to him. I hate the guy."
"You hate him?"
"Yeah. He's an arrogant, self-centred, cocky, good for nothing twat."

Bill didn't reply after that. Again, we sat in silence. The silence was beginning to kill me now. It was excruiciating. All the time, I was just wishing I knew what he was thinking. What an amazing gift that would be - being able to know what people were thinking all the time. You'd know who liked you and who didn't. Who was your friends and who were your enemies. What to say next.

I couldn't stand it any longer.
"What should I do?," I asked in a whisper.

He didn't reply. The silence continued for what seemed like forever.

"We need to get you sorted out, first."
"How'd you mean?"
"I'll take you to the clinic," he said. "They'll get you checked out for anything."

"Thank you," I whispered.

Tears started to pour thick and fast down my cheeks and, although I wasn't sobbing or hysterically crying, I could feel my insides ripping apart, the final realisation hitting me hard.

Bill patted my shoulder, somewhat awkward now. Maybe because I was crying because what he said had finally made me realise the extent of what had happened ... of what I'd done.

I sat there for a while more. We planned how I would get there, and when. Bill thought today would be best, but I wasn't sure. There was no way my mum would let me out tonight - it was nearly 6pm and by the time we had dinner, it would be around 7pm before we made it to the clinic. Sounds childish, not being allowed out at night, but the area I lived in could be quite rough, so Mum was really strict about my curfew times.

We argued - or discussed - it until my mum called up the stairs that dinner was ready.

Bill dropped it and I walked downstairs, him following suit behind me.

I looked on the table to find my mum already sitting there, dinner in front of her and two other plates set out for me and Bill. It looked like we were having spaghetti, but I couldn't be sure, knowing my mum.

I sat down and Bill sat next to me. We ate in silence, again.

The silence today was killing me. It'd never been more silent in my life until this day. Usually, school was chaotic, only for me to come home to my mum shouting down the phone at one person or another, or shouting on me to do something. I never usually got the peace and quiet to think about things. Now I had more time than I would have liked.

How unfair.

It was almost as if my mum knew something was up. She didn't say anything to me or Bill about why he was here. She didn't ask anything about my school day. And she didn't ask about homework.

The things she would have usually asked about didn't seem to exist. I wondered why.

"Erm ... Ms. Taylor?," Bill suddenly said. I looked over and saw that his plate was empty.
"Yes, Bill?," my mum replied.
"I was wondering if it would be OK with you if me and Venus went out for a few hours tonight? Just over to mine to study for a Biology test we have tomorrow."
"Yes, sure. That would be fine, dear."
"Thank you."
I looked in shock at Bill and my mother. She was letting me go over to Bill's when it was a 15 minute walk away, at 6:30 in the evening, in a rough area with yobs round every corner. Now, that was just plain odd. And Bill! I hadn't expected him to say anything. He was usually such a bad liar, it was unbelievable. Now, he had just lied fluently and believably to my mother ... for me.

The day couldn't have been any stranger.

Me and my mum finished dinner and I went to clean up me and Bill's plates.

"No, hon, I'll get these," Mum said. "You get over to Bill's before it gets too dark."
"You sure?," I asked, putting the plates down next to the sink.
"Yeah, yeah. Just get a taxi phone, eh?"
"Sure."
She thrust a £10 note into my hand and I thanked her with a hug before proceeding to my room to grab my jacket and phone.
Bill followed and shut the door behind me.
"It was unprotected, wasn't it?," he asked.
"Yeah," I sighed.
"Right, OK."
I grabbed my jacket and followed Bill out the front door and into the cold night air.

We walked to the clinic that was only 10 minutes away from my home. How convienient.

I plugged my iPod into my ears and walked along to the beat of the song playing. Luckily, 'Conspiracy' by Paramore, had a reasonable beat that I could walk to. My iPod was always on shuffle, so I waited for the next song to come on as I walked along, hearing my footsteps next to Bills'.

Linkin Park's 'What I've Done' came on.

Seemed appropriate.

We reached the clinic. I took my iPod out and stuffed it hastily into my pocket. There was a single person holding a placard, shouting slogans out to anyone who was nearby ... which was me and Bill.
"Abortion, eh? Save the unborn child!!!!!! You're child could have a heartbeat by now! Doesn't that bother you?!? WHAT HAS THIS WORLD COME TO? SAVE THE UNBORN BABY!!!!," she yelled at us.

I gulped.

I felt embarrassed and guilty just walking past her as she shoved her placard firmly into the air.
"She shouldn't be allowed outside here," Bill muttered under his breath. I didn't reply because of the huge lump forming in my throat. What if I was pregnant? Could I kill my own child?

Bill walked up to reception where there was a young woman, about 20 or so with dark brunette hair talking to him.

"Just a check?," she asked.

"Yes, that's right," Bill replied as I hovered behind him, nervously.

"Hold on and I'll get the specialist to see if he's got any spaces for you. Someone will be with you with some forms to fill out in a moment," she said.
"Thank you," Bill said, his German accent obvious.

We stood for a few minutes until we saw a petite figure walk over to reception. I stared into the eyes of the newly appeared person behind the counter.

Talk about bad luck.