Decaydance Records doesn't call themselves a record label so much as a gang. This has been announced by label head Pete Wentz as well as other label members Travis McCoy and Gabe Saporta. And now, that gang has a new member. Ready for it?
Ok maybe I have nothing to back this up but a dream but I happen know that in his spare time, Travie is Bumblebee. Yes. from transformers. I had the dream ages ago and he went into a subway station as himself and then Bumblebee ran out obviously to kick some megatron butt! It was like a revalation and can't you completely imagine it?!
I think I'm going through some strange 'creative' phase and I really want to make a panda dress and either a watermelon or pizza slice dress. Which do you think would be better? Also, I really, REALLY wanna see hey monday and every avenue in sept but I'm seeing atl twice in that same week and it would be like another school day which SUCKS. I'm gonna try and go but its so not gonna work.
OK, I think I'm gonna have to face the fact that I've got to do some exercise so I'll get onto my wii fit board :/
The time is finally upon us. Cee-lo, Brendon Urie, Travis McCoy, Patrick Stump and more. And really, there's nothing else I can say about this. So watch:
So William got up the courage to ask me to go see a movie with him and I almost died right then and there. If anything were to happen while on the date I would hope it would lead to a second and third date. Gee I hope it does because I have to be carful for what I say, go and do because everywhere I got there is at least one boy from the party fallowing not to far behind. I'm on the verge of a break down.
-Abby
I couldn't decide on what to wear on the date with Will. I had at least ten outfits on my bed not including the one I was n currently. I was looking at myself in the mirror behind the door turning to my side and front over and over again. Kaity was lying on her back with her head dangling over the edge of the bed. She grunted, "Just wear your black skinny jeans and your red blouse with your and red pumps!"
"Well I don't want to look to dark and dressy. It's a first day not our first anniversary."
"Fine than, the white skinny jeans, purple v-neck, black vest and purple converse!"
I walked over to the bed and grabbed what she said. "Are you sure?"
"Positive." She said cold.
I quickly changed and glided down the stairs. I waited in the living room for the bell to ring and when it did I nearly had a heart attack. I jumped up and opened the door. Will was standing on the porch all cute in his black skinny jeans and red shirt with the siloet of a man and woman dressed in pre civil war clothing. Will handed me a rose and took my hand. I closed the door behind me and we left to his car parked by the curb. I saw Pete from the corner of my eye frozen at his car. Yup, he likes me. Will opened the passenger door for me and I got in. He closed the door and ran around the back and got in the drivers side.
"So what are we going to go see?" I asked looking at him.
"The new X-Men movie if that's okay."
"I love X-Men."
"Oh really? Or is it just Hugh Jackman?"
I laughed, "Maybe he has a little to do with it."
He rolled his eyes and kept on driving to town. He got the tickets and I got the popcorn and drinks. We walked into the theater and saw the movie. After Will took me to a small burger joint and we ate a late dinner. He took my on a walk in the park and while we were crossing the bridge I stopped and stared up at the sky.
"Will there is something I've been meaning to ask you."
"What's that?" he asked turning his head to face me.
"That one day, in the studio, did you memorize those lines or did you make them up on the spot?"
"Truthfully, on the spot."
I faced him. "That's amazing, for someone to sing like that and to have it be out of the blue."
He drove me home and we had much to talk about. When we were on my porch I was facing Will and I could hear Gabe, Pete and Kaity all behind the door listening in. Will just smile because he could hear them as well.
"I had a great time." I said speaking matter-of-fact.
"So did I, and I hope we could do it again, next weekend, if that's alright with you." He said taking my hands.
"I'd love to." I said smiling.
Will leaned in and kissed my cheek. "Good night Abby."
"Night." I said waving. I watched him get in his car and leave. I sighed happily and turned to the door. I saw all three of them smile innocently. I opened and shoved the door open. The fell back onto the floor and I stepped over them and walking over to the stairs. "Good night." I said walking up the stairs.
----- Sorry I didn't post The Bottom of This Bottle yesterday. I just didn't have it in me to type it up. But I'll post it tomorrow, I promoise.
It was a whole laugh fest with Travis and his band. I was able to get Travis to sing two songs perfectly. We did all the best changes for songs and I helped them change lyrics then asked if I want credit and I simply told them, "Why give credit from grammar mistakes?". I really like this job so far. Sure we goofed off a few times but who wouldn't with these guys?! I even went out to eat with them. Now that was a mistake! I had to clean my wallet out just on tip for the waitress. When I got back to the studio I had a huge head ach but the second I saw Will it went away. We'll love again and we'll laugh again. And it's better off this way.
-Abby
I sat a crossed from Will as he strummed a few stings on his guitar. I smiled and looked down to hide the fact that I was blushing. When I looked up again, we locked eyes until Pete came in, just to see how I was doing. That's what he explained to me but the real reason was because he can sense my feelings for Will. He pulled my chair next to him while he told me how to record the drums. I could feel Will's eyes watching me. I was keeping a straight face but on the inside I was smiling like the Cheshire cat.
I let Andy out of the music room for a short break Will spontaneously got up and walked into the vocal booth.
"Hey Abby, could you lay this down for me?" He asked talking into the mic while setting the headphones over his head.
"Sure." I said flipping a few switches and pressing a few buttons, "Ready when you are."
He took a breath and then sang, "Attention! Attention! May I have all your eyes and ears to the front of the room, if only, if only for one second? This table has taken a turn for the worst. Rock bottom and over the edge well it's not like it hurts that much anyway. Upside down and inside out, when I leave here I'm going alone. Well it's not like; it not like it hurts much anyway. Attention! Attention! May I have all your eyes and ears to the front of the room, if only, if only for one second? Will you hear what I have to say? Oh, did I mention when I see you it stings like hell? To the fact that we could have something that'll never happen. Will you hear what I have to?"
When he finished my face was black but I could feel it getting red. "Do you want me to play it back for you?"
"No thanks though." He said getting out of the booth.
"Yeah." I said. I turned around and slapped both of my cheeks a couple of times. He sang with out music, or a lyric sheet in front of him. Either he memorized those lines or thought of them on spot...he couldn't have, could he?
I continued to work with them until I heard Panic! At The Disco in the hallway. I sighed and left to the other studio room a crossed the hallway. They where like children. Not as bad as Travis and them but close. I talked with Brendon and Ryan the most while Spencer and Brent where doing the beats and rhythms. I really didn't hang on to every word they said but when I spoke they listened like I was singing like a goddess. Oh joy. I have half a dozen guys falling head over heals for me and I really only like one. Go figure. This is getting to be too much for one's shoulders. Help!
----- Sorry its been a while, my internet was down for a couple days and God you people write a lot of good shit, I had to spend the last 2 hours catching up! Hope you liked it and I'll post chapter 18 tomorrow and Friday will be another chapter of The Bottom of This Bottle!
Yeah, today is my first day at work. Oh I hope it'll be a blast! I can't wait to see Will though. Kaity senses something but I won't say anything yet. But she also agrees with me that Pete might like me. Hell I think all they guys at the party the other day liked me. My scars are almost healed but I'm not taking any chances. Please God don't let me mess things up.
-Abby
I picked at my breakfast, sighing every few seconds. I was just waiting for time to pass, or for Pete to come and get me. The doorbell rang and I jumped up from my chair. I pulled my bag off the back of it and ran to the front door. Pete looked through the window and waved. I opened and closed it behind me quickly.
"Lets go." I said in a sing-song voice.
We walked to his car and got in. He drove through town stopping at Starbucks he got coffee for himself and got me a Tall Carmel Macchiato. I sipped mine while he was finding a parking spot. We walked through the front of the building and up to the desk.
"Kristy, Give me one pass, please."
"Visitors?" she asked taking a quick glance at me.
"No, all access."
"Here." She said handing one to him. He ripped it from her fingers and handed it to me. As we walked past the desk I saw Kristy stick her tongue out at me. While Pete and I were walking to his office he explained what the all access pass does, how to use it and not to lose it. I tapped a picture of myself on the card as well as my name. I hooked it to my belt.
"So what band do you want to work with first?" Pete asked reclining in his chair.
"Who is all here?"
"Right now is Gym Class Heroes, at one The Academy Is, and at three Panic At The Disco."
"How about all of them."
"You're brave."
"You haven't met my little sister." I mumbled.
"I hope you learn fast."
"Four point o since middle school."
He laughed and we walked to the studio hall. I walked into the room and was hit with a drum stick. I bent down and picked it up. I smiled, "Who's ass does this go up?" Travis started to crack up and I saw Matt blush. This was going to be fun.
*****
So how is your guy's summer so far? Well here in good ol' Utah its raining like crazy! we have like a nice sunny day then black clouds around 7 at night then it rains for three days and then yet a nother sunny day! But on the bright side we are no longer in a drought and they are going to put water back into the Great Salt Lake! Woo-hoo!
Intersting fact about the Great Salt Lake and the Salt Flats; in the thrid instalment of Pirates of the Carribean While Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp) was in Davy Jones Locker They filmed that on the Salt Flats! Muahahaha! And there is a movie called Pirates of the Great Salt Lake (SOOOO Funny) You can pretty much guess its flimed on and around the Great Salt Lake. Also there is this other movie called Dream(?)/Dreamer(?) Island and the whole movie was filmed on/around Antalope Island (its in the Great Salt Lake). Two good movies you sould see them...
Wow, last night was so amazing. It wasn't until two in the morning when Dan and Sally finally told everyone to go home. And they made us clean the backyard before we even stepped foot in the house again. But enough of that Will asked me fore my phone number I gave it to him of course and well it may be too early to tell but, I think I like him! World say hello to the new me.
-Abby
I sighed and flipped to the title page and stared at the picture I drew. I brushed the hair and the side of his face. It was eleven in the morning and Kaity was still past out on her bed. Not in it, on it; fully clothed from the earlier this morning when she fell onto it to take her shoes off. I closed the book and got up. I grabbed my towel and walked into the bathroom. I showered and dressed in something I never usually dressed in. light blue skinny jeans and an orange v neck shirt. The split of the 'v' wasn't very long so I could go the day without an undershirt. I grabbed my orange rocket dog shoes and slipped them over my socks. Kaity arose from her bed like a zombie. When she rubbed the sleep form her eyes and looked at me. She had to take a double take.
"A-Abby is that you?" she asked getting closer to me without falling off her bed.
I smiled, "Yup I decided to do something different today."
"I'll say." I laughed and walked out o the room. Gabe was just about to go down stairs and even he had to take a second take at me. I pushed past him and walked down stairs to the kitchen. It seemed that all day everyone kept looking at me. Pete was all a gaga at me. I'm starting the get the impression that he likes me. I sat in front of my computer staring at my inbox. I anew message from Garret. I opened it with my stomach turning inside me.
Abby,
Hey Babe, I've missed you. I even got on a plane to see you in New York but when I got to your house your mom told me that you're in Chicago for the summer. Although I did stay a while at your house; learning about your new family. And I have to say your lucky!
-Garret
I pursed my lips and clicked reply.
Garret,
Hey sweetheart, sorry I didn't tell you. Big news: I'm working for a music studio and my dad lives next door to guess who? Pete Wentz! How cool is that?! Well I gotta go bye.
Rating: PG 13 / R (depends on how picky you want to be with details)
Characters/Pairing(s): Gabe / William (duh), implied Travis / William
Disclaimer: I do not own Gabe, William, or Beyonce. It'd be nice, but I don't. None of this never happened. Neither Gabe nor William have an eating disorder (although I have my thoughts about Gabe's drinking...). None of it happened. Or at least to my knowledge it didn't. Anything about eating disorders and alcoholism came from books, so excuse the inaccuracy. Hospitalization is personal experience.
Warning: Um... boy kissing, implied eating disorder, implied alcoholism, implied suicide attempt, moderate swearing, whatever else you can come up with.
Summary: I can see your halo and know that you're my saving grace.
Beta: breathedeep222 (thanks a ton, darlin')
A/N: Lyrics credits-- Halo by Beyonce Knowles and 40 Steps by William Beckett. There's also a small All American Rejects part that if you know the song, you'll recognize it.
* * * * *
There are some things that are too beautiful for words to some people. Sunsets, paintings, flowers, gems, money, music, a creation. The words are taken from their lips, only left with gaping mouths and stopped breath. Too beautiful, too precious, too... anything to put into words. The most beautiful thing I'd ever seen was an angel. I watched the angel sleep in my bed, while I sat in a chair in the corner of the room. I watched as his chest rose and fell, long arms and legs sprawled out across the bed. The sun shone through the window, bathing him in sunlight. I brought my knees to my chest and folded into myself, watching him sleep, thinking about, well, him. This man, this angel that had been placed into my life, making me grateful for every day since... "Gabe?" I looked up. Bill propped himself up on his elbows and squinted, smiling. "Why are you over there?" I shrugged. "Well, come here." I stood up and slid onto the bed, resting my head on my pillow. Bill pressed against my side and kissed my cheek. "Good morning." "Morning." I wrapped my arms around him. He yawned, it was so cute. He looked up at me. "What's wrong?" "I love you." he smiled. "I love you too, Gabe." "No, I mean, I really, really... I love you." he smirked. "I really, really love you too." "Why?" "What?" "Why do you love me." I bit my lip in frustration. I hated how insecure I had become. "Who knows why we love anyone. I love you because you're... you." he said bluntly, before kissing my cheek again and standing up. "Hungry?" I shook my head. I watched the worry flash past his eyes, before he left the room. I curled back up into a ball and faced the wall, feeling scared and alone.
* * * "Gabe! Gabe!" their voices echoed through the silver coated bathrooms of another venue, another place that would go by as a complete blur. I was hiding. I had to hide from their worry, their judgment, their anger. I couldn't stand anyone mad at me. I couldn't take the judgment. I couldn't bear to let anyone worry about me. I looked down into the porcelain mess I had made. The contents of my dinner, half had made it, half hadn't. It was horrible. I cupped my hand to my face and smelt my breath. Horrible. I looked at the cup of vodka in my hand, which was shaking so hard I could barely bring it to my lips. When I did, I began to cry. Absolutely horrible. My band mates and friends continued to call my name. * * * "Gabe, Gabe, sweetheart." I screamed from being startled. Bill jumped back, then rushed back to hug me again. "Shh, Gabe, you had a nightmare." "God fucking damn it..." I could feel the tears rolling down my face, but I couldn't feel myself crying. I hated that feeling. "Calm down, baby. Come on, shh." Bill rubbed my back softly, shushing me while I cried silently like I had done so many times. I crawled into his lap like a little fucking kid, but I felt like an idiot because I was slightly bigger than Bill. He cradled me no less, patting my hair while I wrapped my arms around his neck, feeling so helpless. "It's okay, it's all over, it's all over." We both knew that the battle I was facing would never be over. * * * You're a disgusting, ugly pig, I thought as I ran my hands over my stomach. There was still something there. I could feel my ribs now, but I wanted to feel the organs. I wanted to feel myself. Then I would destroy the rest, get rid of the organs, let them waste away to nothing. I'd be bone and flesh. And I'd look amazing. "Gabe?" the door to the venue bathroom swung open, Ryland stood in the doorway. "I thought you'd be in-- what are you doing?" "Nothing, son, nothing. How long until we go on?" "I don't know. What's going on?" "Nothing!" he looked at my red plastic cup, sitting on the counter. "Gabe, we're all really worried about you." "Yeah, well, you shouldn't be. I'm a big boy, I can handle myself. Just fuck off, Ryland. All of you just fuck off." I grabbed the cup and left the bathroom. I knew I would regret those words. * * * "I made some coffee. Want some?" I nodded weakly, sitting down across from him at the island. He grabbed two cups and poured, then handed me a black one. I sipped it absentmindedly. "Do you want to do anything today? I have to go buy groceries, do you want to come with me?" I shook my head. Bill reached across the island and stroked my hair. "You know I love you." I nodded and sipped my coffee. He sighed and looked into the fridge. "Do you want Travis or someone to come over to the apartment while I run some errands?" I shrugged. I was still unstable. I still couldn't be by myself while Bill ran out. I started to worry about him never coming back, that he didn't want me anymore, he'd leave me all alone. Then I'd think about how I used to deal with loneliness, and the memories would flood back... and our neighbor would be pounding on the door, his wife trying to calm me down while I cried in a corner until Bill came back. It was pathetic. "I'll call Trav, okay?" I nodded. "When do you leave?" he looked at the clock. "Whenever he comes over. Want me to make you some breakfast?" I shrugged. "Not really hungry." "Eat some fruit." he grabbed an apple from the fruit bowl and set it in front of me. I looked at it with secret disgust, but picked it up and took a bite. Bill walked around the island and hugged me. "Thank you." "No problem." I took another bite, chewing it slowly. "I'm gonna take a shower. Are you going to be okay?" I nodded. "Okay. Hey." I looked up at him. He kissed me, smiled, and walked down the hall. I smiled at him, then pulled out my phone and called Travis. "Yo," he mumbled. "Hey Travie." "Hey Gabe. What's up?" "Can you come over? Bill has to run errands." "Oh, yeah, sure man. I'll be over in a half hour." "Okay, thanks." I hung up and ate the apple. I threw the core in the trash and walked down the hall to the bathroom, where the shower was running. Bill was singing, I stopped in my tracks to listen to him. "Un-kept and over-caffeinated I'd walk the 40 steps to the moon, back to the moon You say you don't believe in science. Your always ashamed of what your willing to lose. But I would follow you anywhere. But where were you that night when I was..." "Um, Bill?" I said sheepishly, regretting it. I hated making him stop singing. "Yeah, baby?" "Travis is coming." "You called him?" "Yeah." the shower stopped, the curtain was pulled back. Oh, hello. "Oh..." he smiled and stepped out of the shower, and wrapped his arms around my shoulders. It had been a long time since I'd seen Bill... like that. "You know," he whispered. "We haven't done anything in a while. I miss you." I kissed him, and it wasn't long before he was gently pushing me into the shower and pulling the curtain behind us. * * * I am trashed. I am trashed and I am loving it. I am trashed, having great sex with some nameless faceless girl, and I'm loving it. Why was there a girl underneath me? I was gay. I was gay and I knew that. But I was fucking trashed to the point where I didn't care. I was too skinny and weak to care where I stuck my dick, at that point. And the girl, who could barely pass for 18, couldn't care less because she was getting fucked by Gabe Saporta. I was so out of it, I was past the point of caring about who I was hurting, or feeling guilty at all. Bill was a distant memory. My friends were nonexistent. It was just me and this random girl in this random town, all alone, sexing it up. The depression was getting unbearable. The alcohol was making my body swim, making it shake, destroying what was left of me. I was practically nothing anymore. Just a waste of who I really was. I could barely deal with myself anymore. * * * I jolted awake, hitting my head on the side of the bathtub. I cursed, rubbed the back of my head and looked around. I must've fallen asleep in the bathtub, how weird. I looked down and realized I was covered with a blanket. I stood up, put my underwear and pants on and covered my shoulders with the blanket. I heard voices, Bill and Travis's voices. "... so hard, Travis." "I know, Bill, I know." I walked into the living room and stopped in my tracks. Bill was pressed into Travis's chest, crying softly, mumbling to Travis. Travis had his arms around Bill's waist. I watched in horror as Travis kissed Bill's forehead. "FUCKING BASTARD!" I screamed. Travis jumped away from Bill with wide eyes. "Gabe--" I pushed Travis against the wall and punched his nose. "YOU LITTLE FUCKER!" "Gabe, stop!" I whipped around and grabbed his shoulders. "FUCK YOU! I don't fucking need you, you cheating asshole! I don't fucking need you! I may have needed you, but I don't now! I don't need YOU, I don't need TRAVIS, I don't need ANY OF YOU!" I was shaking him. He tried to squirm away, but I was shaking him too hard. "You're a mother fucking cheating bastard! How could you--" "GABE!!!" Travis grabbed my shoulder, holding his nose. "GET THE FUCK OFF ME!" I broke from Travis, practically threw Bill and ran back into the bathroom, locking the door.
* * * "Gabe! Gabe! Open the fucking door! Please!" I fiddled with Nate's Swiss Army knife, flipping it out, then flipping it back in, then out again. I watched it catch the dim bathroom light. I'd had enough with myself. The starving, the drinking, and the betrayal. I was nothing. I was all bones and skin, I thought I'd be happy this way. But I wasn't. I was fucking miserable and drunk all the time, having sex with underage girls and boys, lying, cheating, fighting with myself on who I was and who I was supposed to be. I fucking hated myself. I was sick of hurting everyone. I looked at my millionth red cup, half-full of vodka and Red Bull. I picked it up and threw it at the bathroom door, screaming. I was crying too, I could tell, there were water spots on my jacket. I couldn't feel the tattoos anymore. "GABE! OPEN THIS MOTHER FUCKING DOOR!!!" pounding, loud pounding. Someone was trying to break down the door. It sounded like Travis and Alex. They were both strong guys. I didn't have much time. I looked down at my suicide note, telling everyone that I was sorry that I had to put them through what they did. I said I was sorry to the fans. I told Bill I loved him. "GABE!!! PLEASE!!! OPEN THE DOOR!!!" I could hear Vicky and Bill crying. I rolled up my sleeves, tears rolling down my face. "Adios." I brought the blade to my wrist and make a clean draw as the door was knocked in. "GABE! NO!!!" * * * "Gabe... open the door... let me explain." "Fuck, Bill, my nose..." Travis was fucking whining. I looked down at my left wrist, the scar still plenty visible after a year and a half. It mocked me, reminding me of my lowest of lows. I should've remembered Travis and Bill's history. Why couldn't I see it before? Travis... he was my best friend. He saved my life. He was the only one to know what to do when I slit my wrist. Without him, I really would've been dead. Why was he backstabbing me? Why was he kissing Bill when he knew what mental state I was in? Did Bill want it? "Hold on, Trav, I'll get something." Bill said, sniffling. I heard his footsteps fade. "Gabe?" Travis said softly. "Man, can you let me in?" "Fuck off." "Will you listen to me." "Why should I?" "I didn't mean to hurt you, man. You're my bro." "How could you kiss Bill?" "Fuck, let me in, Gabe." I stood up from the bathtub and unlocked the door. Travis grabbed a towel from the linen closet, pressed it to his nose and sat down on the toilet. "I was just trying to calm him down, man. Look, you know I'm always going to have feelings for Bill. That's a fucking given. I never like seeing him cry. I just came in, and he looked so... broken." "I put a lot of stress on him, don't I?" Travis shrugged. "He really loves you, Gabe." "I don't deserve all he does for me, you know? He's my solid ground. I love him." "He'd do fucking anything for you." I remember the note he gave me. "Yeah, I know." * * * "Gabriel?" I looked up from my deck of cards I was shuffling. My new friend, Max, sat across from me. I tried to keep his attention on the game. He was manically depressed. "Yeah?" I didn't like the on-call nurse, Wendy. She didn't call me Gabe. She had it that in her mind everyone that went through the mental health ward was a six year old and we needed to be called by our full names. "William is here to see you." I stood up, patted Max on the back and followed Wendy down the long wide hallway to the door. She turned around and pointed, telling me that I couldn't go very far. I knew that. I stood there and tapped my foot impatiently. There he was. He slipped in through the door, jacket wrapped tight around himself. He looked scared to be here. But God, I was grateful to see him. "Bill... Bill..." Bill saw me, smiled, and jogged to me. I wrapped my arms around him, wincing when I touched my cut. "Hey, love." he mumbled in my ear, kissing my temple. I could feel myself shaking with suppressed sobs. "I missed you." he laced our fingers together. "I missed you too. Come on, let's sit down." we sat down on one of the ugly hospital couches. I automatically fell into his side, cuddling into him. He wrapped his arm around my shoulder and rubbed it gently. "How's your eating?" "I'm getting better. I got through a whole meal." "That's great, Gabe! I'm proud! Are you taking your meds?" "They make me." I grumbled. "They'll help you, I promise. How are you without alcohol?" "I feel like fucking shit." he smiled and patted my hair. "It's okay. It'll get better. I'm here for you, we all are." "How's everyone dealing with this? How are the fans?" his smile fell. "There's a lot of mixed feelings with the fans. Some are supportive, some don't believe it, some are just assholes." "I'm thankful for the supportive ones." he nodded. "How's all our friends?" "Kind of like the fans. Supportive, non-believing... assholes." I nodded and laid my head on his shoulder. "I hate it here. I never thought I could hate a place so much as I do here. Yeah, people are nice, but God, Bill... this is rock fucking bottom. Like, I'm in a mental ward. Where the real crazies are. It's hard to wrap my head around. Have you talked to the insurance company?" he nodded and bit his lip. "This is costing me, isn't it?" "Yeah." "Fuck. Why am I even here? I don't need to be here! I really don't! I'm such a fucking whiny pussy." I buried my nose in his shoulder. "This place is full of people who feed you bullshit, making you think there's a bright future. It doesn't feel like it when you can't go outside. I've never appreciated touring more than my time here. I have to look out of a fucking window. I can barely feel the warmth... I just want to get out." he kissed the top of my head. "I know, Gabe. I wrote you something." he pulled a piece of blue notebook, from his writing journal, out of his jacket pocket. I sat up and unfolded it.
Soft light, total silence So tired as you take the table near the door, the table near the door Sat back, undefiant, only as stable as I choose to show, if I choose to show But where were you that night when I was.
"Well I feel that this is an explosion That nobody else could ever really know But I would follow you anywhere You say you don't believe in science Your always afraid of what you can't control I would follow you anywhere But where were you that night when I was...
When I was calling for the answer that you probably shouldn't know Well it feels like flames surrounding me here. When you were calling with your question when all I needed was to know Well it feels like flames surrounding me here.
Un-kept and over-caffeinated I'd walk the 40 steps to the moon, back to the moon You say you don't believe in science Your always ashamed of what your willing to lose But I would follow you anywhere But where were you that night when I was...
When I was calling for the answer that you probably shouldn't know Well it feels like flames surrounding me here. When you were calling with your question when all I needed was to know Well it feels like flames surrounding me here.
So this is it, so this is it So this is the silence, so this is the silence we began It's never quite, it's never quite over, it's never quite over in the silence.
When I was calling for the answer that you probably shouldn't know Well it feels like flames surrounding me here. When you were calling with your question when all I needed was to know Well it feels like flames surrounding me here.
Gabe-- Everyday that I see you in pain, drunk, hurting yourself, was a day that I'm hurting too. The days I see you happy, actually happy, are the best memories I have of you. The early days, when you were confident and beautiful and we were so in love. When I didn't care about Travis's feelings or our friends or our families, when it was just you and me against the world. When you started to spiral, I argued with everyone, including myself. No one understood why I stuck with you when you were destroying yourself. I really didn't know. Maybe because you were the first person to make me feel like... something after my dad passed. You made me feel loved, accepted for the weird guy I am. I can never repay you for that. I almost gave up on you. I almost gave up on myself. One night after a show in Tuscaloosa, I stood on roof of the venue with Mike, and we talked about a lot of things. You, me, and what it would be like to just jump from the top of the building. I stood on the ledge, looked down and shivered. It was a scary thought, dying. Leaving you. Leaving everyone. When all of us found you in the bathroom with your wrist cut, I didn't know what to think. You know I tried to support you. All I could think is, 'where did we go wrong? Where did I go wrong?' It broke my heart, watching Travis wrap up your wrist, sobbing. We all worry about you. No one, I think, as much as I do. You fucking amaze me, Gabriel Eduardo. You're beauty in my eyes. You're absolutely... you. Words can't describe how I see you. I know that if I didn't have you, I don't know where I would be in my life. I'd go anywhere and do anything for you, Gabe. You know why? Because I love you. I really do love you. We'll get through this, I know we can. I don't know how, but if it's you and me against the world, then so be it. If the world comes down, and if I have you beside me, I'll be okay. --William * * * "Gabe? Travis?" Bill knocked on the door softly. "I have an ice pack and some water... Gabe I'm so fucking sorry, I really am. I just--" I stood up from the bathtub and opened the door, and pulled Bill into me. "I love you. I'm sorry. For everything. You know you're my saving grace, right?" I held him while he cried, his arms wrapped around me. He was shaking. I pressed him close and let him cry for once, he was the one that needed taking care of this time. We got Travis cleaned up and sent him home. When he left, I sat down on the couch and Bill curled up next to me. I told him to talk to me about the past year. He did. "I never know how you're going to be with me, Gabe. I'm trying so hard to be the perfect boyfriend, the one that'll always be there to fix you. Some days... I don't know. I feel like... God, Gabe..." "Bill, it's fine." "It's hard to put how I feel into words." "I know it is." I nuzzled into his hair. "We'll work on this. Together." There are some things that are too beautiful for words. As my angel sat next to me, I could only pray he, the most beautiful thing I'd been blessed to have in my life, would never leave.
Remember those walls I built, Well baby they're tumbling down. They didn't even put up a fight, They didn't even make a sound. I found a way to let you in, But I never really had a doubt. Standing in the light of your halo, I got my angel now.
Everywhere I'm looking now, I'm surrounded by your embrace. Baby I can see your halo, And know you're my saving grace. You're everything I need and more, It's written all over your face Baby I can feel your halo, And pray it won't fade away
