thoughts Blog and Journals

Today is kinda crappy.  My daughter is super sick.  I am suffering from something called Costochondritis, and my husband is off, but we can't do anything because we are all feeling kinda shitty.  Oh well... at least we are together and we are warm and fairly happy in all.

Painted my nails green and gold... going to do my toes pink.  I think my colors are going to be green, gold, red, pink, white, and black for the new year!  All good colors... can be mixed and matched very well...  I am reflecting upon this last year, which has gone by super fast...  All the traveling I have done... all the mistakes I have made... and things I have done right.  I have NEVER been a person to dwell on the past, even though I seem to have an extraordinary sense of memory at times,  I want to focus on the future and on things I want to do and accomplish.

So far no plans for New Years Eve... I want it to be better than last year though.  Last year my daughter and I were both sicker than dogs, stuck at home alone, jorden was at work.  This year we will not be sick and Jorden is off!  I am thinking of cooking something fancy or fun like fancy crab cake burgers or creamy shrimp linguini... then maybe staying up and walking down to the castle by our house.  They had awesome fireworks last year... that was the only cool thing... Germans blow off more fireworks on New Years than Americans do on Independence Day!

There is more traveling I want to do.  It is the greatest thing ever and it is so inspiring.  And I will continue to be an advocate of traveling, whether it be venturing an hour away or a continent away.  You get a different perspective on life when you see other ways of living and being.  Seeing art or trees... architecture or nature.  Don't be blind or ignorant to your surroundings.  When I start traveling more I want to blog a lot more about it... share what others might not get to experience.

There is much more writing I want to do.  I want to work on my Story some more.   I want to explore different aspects of poetry as well as prose.  I will endeavor to journal something/anything every single day... whether it be what I ate for lunch or what were my thoughts on the art at the Mauritshaus in The Hague.  It'll be fueling my own fire... and possibly improve my handwriting!

I want to teach my daughter much more.  Work on her reading and counting and creative skills and outlets.  Coloring with crayons can be so much fun!

I want to be a better cook... try some more difficult recipes and create more of my own.  I really want to increase my palate and be able to taste better and understand food better.  Along with that I want to eat more organically and maybe less meat.  I have been eating vegetarian almost every other day.  I think I want to continue or expand upon that.

I need to learn to play my awesome Fender P Bass which is sitting brand new upstairs in my bedroom!

I want to read more.  I read a lot of books this year.  More than I have in a long long long time and I love it.  Most of it was all recreational... now I want to read some things that are more for my deep brain and soul.  I want to read more R.W. Emerson...  More V. Woolf, less Stephanie Meyer.  More Anthony Burgess, less Chuck Palahniuk.

There is going to be a lot more creativity in my life this next year... the inspiration and possibilities that have come to mind from simply buying a glue gun is amazing!  So there is that, and my crotcheting which I love to do.  I need to learn how to read patterns better.  My first project of the year is going to be making a birthday princess tutu for Aveline's birthday party.  I also have a pair of boring black wedge boots that are going to be embellished with some rockin studs!  I am also into finding vintage-y t-shirts, cutting them up and embellishing them with anything that works.  I just want to add some extra color and sparkle to my life... I live in a pretty gloomy area most days...

Photography is something that is on my mind CONSTANTLY.  I am hoping to get a new camera this year after taxes maybe...  but I feel like the more I talk about it the less it's all going to happen.

So these are not resolutions like normal.  These are just some goals I have set for myself.  The utmost important goals are to be a better mom and wifey and be a good daughter and friend!!!

Aaaaaand to eat more macaroons, wear more Betsey Johnson and vintage stuff, lose 10-15 pounds and have better hair and makeup!  I think that about tops it off :-)

Love and good thoughts!

Queen VII

I hate having too much time to do anything. It may seem like one of the dumbest things i have yet to say but maybe i should explain. When you have alot of time, you have alot of time to make mistakes and when you make mistakes having to much time means your thinking alot about those mistakes you have made. I person may argue and say that having alt of time should ensure that you make the right decisions and have time to plan adn think hard about what choices to make. WRONG . when you have a short amount of time, you have to make a choice quickly, and pray to the gods that it was the right one. i love that feeling, it gives you a rush.

when you have alot of time, it leavers you room to think, imagine, and ponder upon possibilities. i find myself thinking of my future, of the things and peope i want. that is the part that i do not mind. what hurts is drowning in the past. thinking of what happened and what i could have done to change it. i constantly remind myself not to trap myself but someitmes it is like a natural reflex. sometimes i do wish i could take back the things that i felt months ago,m but then again it wouldnt shape and mold my thoughts of the present

that is all i can do. think about the present. what am i doing today? not what did i do yesterday or what am i doing tomorrow. that doesnt matter today.

"It was the greatest feeling I ever had. Followed abruptly by the worst feeling I ever had. "

I know how people say "I want to meet this band so bad" or "I would do anything to meet this person" Well I would do anything to meet Brendon from Panic! at the disco. im not saying this b/c im an obsessive fangirl b/c im not. Im not like a girl who obsesses over a guy you know you have no chance of meeting but you don't know me and you have no idea, and no i cannot say im his #1 fan b/c im probably not. So many people say that and its annoying. I do understand that there are many fans out there that would love to meet them also...Just like Bren and Spence want to meet their fans...but there are too many. Trust me...been to a concert...been there seen that. I do understand also that I will probably never meet them in my life. I may think I have a chance but ya never know. Sometimes dreams come true. But thats only if you believe it. The girls that do meet them on the other hand...They have no idea how damn lucky they are....

P!ATD <3

What is this thing in Life that drives you to go further?

I worry a lot. About everything. I wish it would just go away.
Get these thoughts out of my head, before I drop dead.
I can't take this anymore.

I'm going to go over the edge.

The more I push, the more I pull, my mind plays me like a fool.
These thoughts occur, I have no control.
I push them in the back of my head. But they are still present.
They haunt me like no other. I just wish that they would not bother.

Already over the edge.

I hold my hands over my ears, and scream away all of my fears.
They just won't go away. So I'm going to have to end it another way.
I think of better times and how it will change. But those thoughts still remain.
They've done no good. They've pushed me to the end. I regret nothing.

The Fight.

The Gun is loaded. The trigger is loose. I can't take much more of this abuse.
The vision is clear, I'm done with you, dear.
I picked a Fight with my biggest Enemy. This 'thing' that I call myself.
My mindless delusions are propagating these illusions.

It's going so fast that I can't stand it. I feel as if I'm dead at the moment.
My hands grip tight around the silver bullet.
My Life was executable.
But I took hold, and that's no longer required.

The Win.

The victory is mine. I think these thoughts will now subside.
I fought a long time. Now this moment is mine.
The thoughts are gone. The pain, memories and constant thinking. 

I'm done. I won. Now go away...

But they will come back again, some day...

© Bradley Howington (2009) (All Rights Reserved)

Thinking? Complicated subject. Is it talking to yourself silently, or just normal...? That is something I'm not completely sure of. When someone thinks for too long, or at least when I think for too long, it gets kind of weird as if you're talking to yourself in your head. It's really a nasty feeling. Not sure about other people exactly, but the silence of a conversation is really freaky, like talking on AIM or texting. I think you get more out of a spoken conversation with someone else, and if you talk to yourself then you only get your point of view so your ideas don't evolve at all and you just get more stubborn when you finally do talk with another person about what you "talk to yourself" about.

 -♥demitra

HEY GUYS, HOW ARE YOU? ANYWAYS I AM DOING ALRIGHT RAW WAS GREAT LAST NIGHT LEGACY IS FREKAING ANNOYING ME LIKE HELL. BECAUSE THEY THINK THEY ARE SO COOL THEY AREN'T I AM SO SICK OF THEM ATTACKING PEOPLE WHO I LOOK UP TO I AM GETTING SICK OF IT. HONEST TO GOD. I AM AN OF TRIPLE H AND SHAWN MICHEAL'S HUGE INSPIRATIONS TO ME. AND SO MANY WWE FANS AROUND THE WORLD. ANYWAY MAKE SURE YOU ALL WATCH RAW NEXT WEEK. AND STAY TUNED FOR MY THOUGHTS ON RAW FOR NEXT WEEK.

IN THE WORDS OF DX-

IF YOU AREN'T DOWN WITH THAT I HAVE TO WORDS FOR YA

SUCK IT

FROM Alana

It's amazing how far Blink 182 has come. They were one of the few bands I still remember while growing up. And they're also part of the few that I don't regret knowing as a kid. ;) It's rad to see their website full of updates and it's even more overwhelming to see them touring again. A fatal blow that break up was, but since their return last February 8th, they've been at it none stop. I guess you can say they've come full circle. During their time apart they were able to explore different music and be a part of the rise of such bands as +44 and Angels and Airwaves. I've really no idea why I blogged about this tonight, but there's a huge possibility it's because I keep on checking back on their site and reading their news and getting updated on their tour. A lot of people have told me how awesome they are now. Because they are. So like the rest of the world, I'm one who's just fucken stoked about their comeback! That would include a new album perhaps? Ha! Well, so far they say it's still in the works and would probably take a year to record. But who cares? Everyone's just stoked! AND, I believe their new single "Up All Night" is slated to be released some time in the next few months? They wouldn't play the song on the tour coz they said "it wasn't ready yet" and that it wasn't really released yet. So, I'm defo gonna watch out for that. :)

Comebacks are always good. Whatever reason that is. Too bad for Panic! At The Disco tho. Their breakup last summer was just plain nasty. Epic fail that is.

Somebody once said, "It is better to have loved and lost, then to not have loved at all".

Last week I asked my colleague who was walking next to me what she thought about that. Now, I am close to all my colleagues and she was no exception. But we've never really talked about the subject of love as, well, these kinds of things never really crop up in our daily conversations.

So I was startled when, without missing a beat, she quickly replied, "Totally!" She went on to eloquently say that the wonderful experience and feeling you get while being in love is invaluable and should be felt by everyone.

I quickly asked, "But what if you know that it won't work out. And you'd feel destroyed by a
breakup. Would you still pursue a love that has no future? Is it worth that brief wonderful feeling if in the end, that was the only thing to have come out of it? What if your love was not fulfilled? Imagine the pain of unrequited love. Isn't it better to protect your heart from breaking into little pieces? If these things were what you were facing, would you really do it?"

She looked at me and said, "In a flash". She, again ever so eloquently, said that being in love with the right person is so wonderful, that just a moment of that feeling of being-in-love is worth a lifetime of heartache. And the destruction that comes with rejection.

I stopped in my tracks and thought about it.

What is it about love that make normal and rational people go crazy and stop thinking logically? Is love so powerful that it becomes the only thing worth risking everything for?

Maybe somebody can tell me.

Midnight is quiet. I don’t know if I like quiet. I heard someone once say the problem with the world today is that we can’t deal with silence. Something has to be going on to distract us from the reality silence makes so blatant. When I heard this I thought, “well that’s just not true. I like quiet.” And now I know I lied to myself. I hate confronting the quiet, because all the things I avoid thinking about, talking about, or even pondering; they all come flooding into my conscious, forcing me to make a conclusion. I think about things, people, places, futures, and pasts too much. I think too much. I wonder what that day will be like when I stop worrying, when I stop pondering, when I stop thinking. Will I feel empty? Will I feel free? Will this day even come? Who knows? I don’t know, and here I go pondering again.

When the world goes to sleep, I'm still awake wondering what they're dreaming about. I think that insomnia is a harsh term. Curiosity is more like it. The night is lonely and sad. No one appreciates the empty roads and the clear, flickering skies. The light, rejuvenating air; no one appreciates this. Danger takes advantage of the night; the darkness that cloaks it in alleyways and "ghettos." If we had claimed the night as ours, would danger have to come out into the light. Would burglars, rapists, and murderers finally stand in front of the world to be judged. We do good things in the open, and the bad in hiding. If we claim the night, where else is there to hide? Where will evil go?

The fear of darkness is really the fear of not knowing. What is there? Who is there? What will happen in this place void of light? Lets let go of control and embrace risk. Standing side-by-side, with hands clasped and a determined stride, lets walk into uncertainty. I'll be there with you. Lets go.