stupid Blog and Journals

So since no one ever reads my shit anymore I have decided that I shall write whatever I feel like.  So my senior year sucked.  And it was awesome.  My closest friend went completely insane and left me.  We had been best friends since the 2nd grade and then she just shut off from me.  I didn't know what was going on.  I couldn't figure out what I'd done wrong.  I went to a very dark place.  I didn't get on here every and I partially blame that on why people don't talk to me on here anymore.  I hated everything.  I just wanted to die.  Everything was going crazy.  I was worried with ACTs and stuff.  I had never taken the damn test and it was the middle of my senior year.  I flipped out.  I took a VERY easy two years of science my freshman and sophomore year and so I guessed on that whole part.  I couldn't even read the questions.  I'm really bad at math too so I guessed again.  Then on the reading and English portion where I actually knew what I was doing I only got half done.  I can't work that fast I mean come on you get like .3 seconds a question.  I can't even read the question in that time.  It sucked and I got a 21 which equal major suckage and a bad college.  I was freaking out.  There was no way Truman was gonna take me with that kind of score not only did they require 3 years of science but they also required at least a 25 on the ACT.  I filled out the 4 page plus essay question application and thankfully got in.  No idea how that happened but it did and now I go there although a lot of the time I wish I didn't.  There was a month waiting period between taking the ACT and getting into Truman so that took my dark period to the abyss.  And then there's the FAFSA.  OMG I hate that thing.  Anybody but me think I'm starting to sound like a character in a bad teen drama?  Of course not cause no one's reading this.  Awkward.  Anyway.  I was going completely insane and had no idea what to do.  I had 2 close friends that were still talking to me and one of them was in college so I pretty much had one friend.  Let me tell ya one really is the loneliest number.  I mean bless her heart she tried but I felt like she was giving up so much time to be with me and I had spent so much time with the others in the past I felt like I was using her so I felt bad being moody which made me more moody.  I'm complicated.  I'm still deeply affected by what happened.  When I got to college my walls that I had built so very high in the past had been reinforced and doubled in size.  I can't make friends as easily as I used to.  That's really had for me.  I'm a people pleaser I need them to like me even if they don't like me.  People have always and will always think I'm weird but they've always thought it was cute and liked my more for it.  Now I'm just weird.  I can't do that.  I need people to like me.  I need to be talked to not about.  The last half of my senior year was hell and heaven.  I had so much fun with Cassandra but when she was gone all I could do was think about what else had happened.  I'll post another journal later about the details of what happened but right now I just wanna get out how I felt about it.  No one cares how it made me feel they just want me to be sorry for what I did.  How can I be sorry if I still don't understand what I did?  She's the one that ignored me.  I really don't get it.  We're texteing now and pretending nothing happened but I can't go one day without thinking about what happened how it could be my fault cause it had to be.  I mean if my closest friends say I ruined our relationship than I had to, right?  I'm still pissed as hell but I'll just keep that to myself cause last time I told anyone how I felt my life was ruined.  How could I be so stupid?

All Time Low, a great band, they've got talent and looks. Sometimes they say some crude things, but that's what makes them All Time Low. Wouldn't you know it, the "Church" has to put their big ugly butts in and mess with a good thing?

Now, I seriously don't give a shit what the hell you believe in, just don't expect me to attend church or believe the same thing as you.

These assholes are the reasons I can't stand religion. Everyone says religion doesn't start wars. Well guess what; it does. This may not be the typical definition of war, but it still counts.

A Baptist Church, blatantly called these guys out. Saying that they are going to picket the Philly concert in protest.

In protest to what you ask?

In protest that All Time Low is apparently "fag enablers". What kind of bullshit is that?

Guys can't like pop/punk/rock? Guys can't wear skinny jeans or have styled hair?

Wake up! It's the 21st century! People are going to do what they want and it's not gonna be the same. Is that really so bad?

Change is good, but not in the church's opinion. Why? Cause they can't control it? They've always caused problems though.

It's not just All Time Low that they're calling out though. This church is saying that the whole world is going to die because of music. The music that we listen to now. Apparently the world is now a big fat woman "whore". A fat whore that is falling down.

I'd just like to know: When did ATL become gender confused? Last time I checked, they seemed pretty confident in what gender they were and their sexuality. Which is straight by the way.

Yea, America is real DOOMED.

Whoever wrote that article was high on something, and it wasn't life. I'm thinking "God", which I usually take to mean "A load of bullshit."

So keep downing your shit, but keep it in your own world. The rest of us, we're going to enjoy our haphazard loser freakazoids.

Can't wait to see how well the little picketing is gonna go.

-A.m.a.n.d.a-

Hast du Freunde außerhalb deiner Heimatstadt?
Ja.

Bist du vergeben?
nein D:

Bist du schokoladesüchtig?
nein.

Hast du eine Band?
nein.

Wohnst du noch zuhause?
jo.

Welches Auto fährst du oder welches willst du mal fahren?
na wenn ich schon dnach gefragt werde wwill ich kein auto fahren, sondern gefahren werden. :D

Wirst du in ein anderes Land ziehen?
nachm studium oder evtl. fürs studium.

Wie schauts aus mit heiraten?
hm.
Hattest du schonmal Sex in der Öffentlichkeit?
höhö, nein. xD

Worauf schaust du beim anderen Geschlecht als erstes?
haaaaaaaare.

Hast du Geschwister?
schwester. :D

Sind deine Eltern noch verheiratet?
noch, ja. bald nichtmehr.

Was machst du morgen?
schule und ... kA.

Bist du zickig?
manchmal, ich versuche das aber auf das nötigste zu beschränken. :D

Kommst du mit zickigen Menschen klar?
definitiv nicht.

Wie vielen hast du ein Bussi gegeben?
öh, vielen.

Können Ex-Freunde befreundet sein?
ja. nur leider nich oft...

Hattest du schonmal was mit einem Menschen anderer Herkunft?
definiere was... Freundschaft, Liebe, Sex?

Warst du schon auf Festivals?
nope. but one day. :D

Hat es da auch so geregnet?
ich hoffe es wird nicht regnen...

Und ist dein Zelt nass geworden?
-

Was wirst du jetzt machen?
essen und hausaufgaben.

Wie heißt du?
Benita, kurz Benii

Wie groß bist du?
1,79m oder souhw. :D

Wie viele Geschwister hast du?
eine.

Wie alt sind diese?
13, bald 14. :D

Wann hast du deine Familie das letzte mal gesehen?
den einen teil heute morgen, den anderen ... letzte woche sonntag.

In welcher Stadt lebst du?
Berlin!

Wenn es dort verschiedene Stadtteile gibt,in welchem lebst du?
Neukölln

Liebst du diese Stadt?
ich mag sie. <:

Hast du schonmal wo anders gelebt?
ehm. 5 km weiter in Brandenburg. xD

Wolltest du schonmal der Liebe wegen aus deiner Stadt wegziehen?
nein.

Wo arbeitest du?
ab und zu bei Team Kontor

Was machst du da?
T-Shirts bedrucken.

Macht dir dein Job Spaß?
dieser? nein. aber ich hab das geld nötig... D:

Was hörst du grad?
den Fernseher.

Was hast du gerade an?
rock, netzstrumpfhose + shirt
Was für Schuhe trägst du am liebsten?
vans, pumps

Bist du Straight Edge?
nope.

Rauchst du?
nein

Trinkst du?
ab und zu. nich regelmäßig. :D

Wenn du trinkst, wie viel?
wie ich lust hab. aber nie so, dass ich besoffen bin. ;D

Wer ist die 4te Person auf deiner "Anruf in Abwesenheit"s Liste?
wenn ich das wüsste... kA wer das is. xD

Wie geht es dir?
ganz ok.

Wieso?
weil halt.

Wann hattest du das letzte mal richtig Spaß?
gestern.

In an essay, this would be called an attention getter. Got yours?

Emotion update (not that its necessary):

I'm just feeling kind of boy ambushed lately. Boysboysboys are kinda dumb, if you think about it. I'll figure it out, dont worry.

Also, if you think you've got a great band name and arent planning on using it yourself....wanna tell me it?

ANDDDD.... I would like to share with you some lyrics that I have written lately, to my more silly songs. (The ones that I do just so I can be dumb)

Girl, wake up/ one day you'll find/ that all of your tanning/ left you sagging behind. (SONG: Trophy Wife In the Making)

You can give me a ride/ to Wally World downtown/ We'll run around for hours/ making farm animal sounds.

 ^^ (SONG: Tweedle Dee, Dumb)

Do you think it's easy/ having eyebrows like me?/ I've got sasquatch in the genes/ hair is all they ever see! (SONG: Eyebrows! (Sweating His Brow))

So there are my personal favorite phrases from the most ludacris songs I've written.

Here are some favorite phrases from my ACTUAL lyrics.

Thunderstorms have nothing to hide/ Thunderstorms wrapped up inside/ Sticks and stones, not hail and wind/ I can't wait for the storm to begin. (SONG: Thunderstorms (obvie.))

You still want me/ Your eyes dont lie/ But neither can my lips/ nor can I/ But we dont have much time/ You're leaving/ so get out of my mind. (SONG: College Bound)

Check out Albi the Racist Dragon: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X-jVAHAuiS4

Hey, Jude,

Katie

Excuse the Beatles reference.

Chapter 13: When You Eyes Light Up The Sky Tonight

"Are you going to be okay, sweetie?" Alex said coming through the window of my room. 

"I'm fine." I lied, looking out to the skyline. "Do you think that Brandon is a star?" I asked Alex out of the blue as he sat next to me.

"Possibly." Alex answered the best that he could. "I'm sure he's looking out for you now." he smiled at her and I started crying again. "Come here." he motioned and I laid her head down on his shoulder and cuddled against him. "It's all going to be okay, I promise." he told me. After a while, we both fell asleep on top of the roof. The thing that woke us up was the sun rising as the birds chirped. 

"Whoa." I said, not remembering being out there at all since she was drunk from the night before.

"What?" Alex asked.

"First, I cannot believe you stayed with me all night... on a roof." I started to laugh in disbelief. "Second, it's fucking bright out.." 

"Then lets get inside." Alex suggested, I followed his lead. He lent me a hand and led me to the window and pulled me through. Later that day after we took showers, we met back up with the rest of the band.

"HEY!" Jack yelled in excitement and pulled me in for a hug. "I missed you last night." he laughed. "I mean, not as much as I missed Alexa over here, but a fair amount." everyone laughed.

"Here you go." Matt handed all of us our plane tickets to go to Minnesota. He looked at me and smiled. "How are you?" he asked me and I laughed, launching for a hug.

"You're amazing Matty." I told him.

*Nine hours later*

"Oh, Minneapolis!" Alex screamed into the mic. "You're really, really turning me on tonight." 

"I think I may have a boner right now." Jack admitted. The crowd laughed.

"Well, vikings, this is our last song." the crowed yelled in  disappointment. "If we could," Alex said taking a breath. "We would play all night long." he said. "But, we can't do that." he said giving the puppy dog pout. "Anyway, this is a song about my herpes and it goes like this..." I laughed at that from backstage. The song was "Dear Maria, Count Me In" and every single person in the crowd sang along. There was not one person who did not know the words, it was amazing. "THANK YOU!" Alex screamed as he threw his fists up in the air and got off stage.

"Well, well, well..." I said with a grin as they walked backstage.

"Oh, la la." Jack mimiced me in his own little special way. 

"How'd we sound tonight?" Rian asked me for the first time in a long time.

"Is amazing in the vocabulary or phenomenal?"

"I'll take the second one." Rian agreed and tried to hug me even though he was filled with sweat.

"That's what I thought." I laughed.

yay! our new iphone/ipod app is out!!! i think it's pretty hilarious and that you guys will find it awesome too!! [click here to get it!!] we are going to add a lot more languages soon too!! we spent a lot of time on it, please tell your friends to get it too!!! :) -charles

I've never had a blog before so I guess I'll start out my first one with hello.  I don't really know how long I'm going to keep using it, but for the time being I'll do my best. I have a lot on my mind at the moment which is the biggest reason as to why I decided to write this.

Todays topic is...

Not that exciting. Just my frustration with tv.

I have been watching mtv and vh1 for the first time EVER. It's the summer so only crap tv is on, therefore I decided to give it a try. I know this stuff is scripted but I kind of wonder if people are really like this. Like do people actually sign up for these shows to make complete ass's of themselves. I've now watched two episodes of Megan Want's a Millionare and I'm really blown away at how ridiculously stupid these people are. First of all these guys have TONS of money and are fighting over some gold digging bimbo that probably doesn't even know how many 0's is in a million. On top of money being the center of this girls life, so far the challenges she has had is which guy can basically spend the most money on her. I can't believe these guys are even fighting for her. You would think they would have more self respect for themselves. Finally after one guy got rejected from a challenge decided to say she was rude and he didn't like her. I thought he grew  a ball but of course like any douche on this sow he caved and was like she's got skills. I was ready to leave; I don't know how she managed to make me stay. She's just like me in a dress. OMG dude, know wonder your still alone!! This girl obviously doesn't ve a shit about any of these guys she only cares about there money and if they were smart enough to make millions you think they would be smart enough to figure this out. I guess to these guys, fake boobs are more important then their self respect.

Am I the only one who feels this way about tv?

btw, there is know spell check on this is thing so im sorry for all the bad grammer and mispelled words.

loves xoxo

ashley

As you can tell in past blogs I am quiet opinionated but I am also rubbish at spelling. You would have also noticed that I tend to go off topics and changed them a lot just like now. Well this is really just a little rant about people trying to become ''e-famous.''

First off, whats the point of trying to be e-famous? Well this is my opinion, you crave attention like mad and if you don't get it you either have a giant mardy, or just add people and join beauty groups to gain popularity. Ok fair enough some people over the net have acturally become famous in the real world and through the internet, and some have just come famous randoly over the net by there personalitys and what they look like, but the ones who really get me are the ones who try and try and try to become e-famous.

I mean, whats the point? It's either some people add you and you become well known or you dont. Is there really a need? 1) It's not going to last and 2) its exstreamly pointless because it makes you seem desperate especially when you see tones of ''hi but who are you?'' comments on your page.

Second of all, whats the point of becoming a fake, and copying someone else, by there taking there photos etc or by acting like someone your not? Whats the point of acting like little miss/mr popular when your not? Whats the point of acting like you invented everything? Honestly it seems pointless. Your either trying to hard and everyone knows or (no offence for this part) You have a tone of 13 year old wannabes adding you because they think your image is cool!

Third off its not all good since you begin to get all these little stalkers who want to know where you live and want your mobile number. And then you get your haters so be careful because its not all funny and games.

This sums up what I think of people trying to be e-famous and wannabe scenekids....

Hayley’s POV.

As Selena stood up, I wrapped my arms around her waist for support. We managed to get through the bustling crowd and slipped inside her room. It was sorta girly. Different shades of pink and purple was all over the place. From her couch to her cabinet! I was just wondering what is she going to tell me privately. It’s been a few days since we became friends and she’s treating me like we’re sisters. That’s how I see and feel it.

“Umm.. Selena?” I sat down on her bed and glanced at her direction. I’m really curious on what she’s gonna tell me.
“Hayley, I don’t know where would I begin.” She said. She was staring outside the window with tears on her eyes.
“Why are you crying? Selena, does it hurt? I mean your legs? Or there’s something else besides that.” I asked over.  She’s crying a lot lately. I wonder what’s up. I’m beginning to suspect that something is not right.
“I need the necklace as soon as possible, Dad thinks I really lost the necklace. He’s starting to ask me about it. Of course, I lied! I don’t want him to be mad at me, Hayley!” She sobbed.
“Sel, I told you I’ll help right? I’ll find a way. Don’t you worry. But I think, you should have told the truth. Because, I know, your Dad would understand. He is your father. And I guess, he would be pleased if you didn’t lie at all.”
“No! I won’t tell him Hayley! No way! I’ll be dead if he finds out that I really lost it. You don’t understand what kind of person he is, Hayley.” She yelped.
“Okay, okay. By Saturday I will give you the money. Okay?” I said. What now? Where would I get thirty dollars? Whatever. I can do this. I can find a way to have that amount of money without asking for someone’s help.
“Hayley, there’s something else. I just found out that it isn’t thirty dollars but rather eighty dollars. I’ve searched over the net and my necklace is really like the one posted on the site.”
“What? Eighty dollars?” Okay. Let me breathe first.
“I don’t know if I can make it until Saturday. But uhmm.. I’m not urging you to lie but at least don’t mentioned anything about the necklace to someone else. Try to cover up when someone ask you about it. Even your father.” I said. My erroneous conscience dictated  me to blurt it all.
“Okay, I can do that. It’s very simple. Thank you so much Hayley. Really, really thank you.” She stood up and hugged me.
“Anytime.” I whispered.


Emily’s POV.

Zac and I decided to stay on my house instead of going out. I’m not in the mood to explore outside tonight, I’d rather stay here at my room with Zac, just watching different flicks and eating foods. I wonder what happened to Hayley, she didn’t listen to me.

“Ems, are you alright? You’ve been staring the screen blankly.” Zac whispered to my ear.
“Yah, I’m fine. Oh Zac! I’m really worried to Hayley. There’s something going on. I already told her about it but she didn’t believe me.” I blurted.
“Whoa, take it easy.  She didn’t? How come? And what’s going on? Would you mind telling me the whole detail before you freak out Ems.”

“Right. So, I heard Selena and other girls at the comfort room talking. That was the time when I asked you where I could find Josh. Blah blah blah. Anyways, Selena said to Hayley that she lost her necklace. But the truth is, she didn’t. I already said it to Hayley but she insist that Selena really lost her necklace. What should I do Zac?” I cried. The popcorn I am holding fell on my lap.
“Shhhh. Shhhh.. We will try to talk to her about it, again. If she didn’t believe us, it’s her lost. Not ours. Okay?” Zac hushed.
“Okay. But she have to believe us! No matter what! I don’t want Hayley to be “living in a lie”.” I quoted. She’s my friend. I don’t want her to be on danger. Or something like that.
“We’ll try.” He sighed.


Hayley’s POV.

The next day isn’t normal anymore. I’ve tried to apply in every shops that is hiring for anything and bad luck has come my way. Not really, this is the last choice that I’ll ever have. Baby sitting. I won’t get enough from it. Should I sell some of my stuff on eBay? That wouldn’t be enough. My feet were tired from walking to and from. I sat over the bench and saw a flyer lying there next to me.

E-mart is hiring for some baggers and some saleslady. Need work? Come and apply now! Hurry! Just look for “Emily” over the office. Thank you. J

Emily. Which reminds me. She must be losing her mind. But she won’t lie to me. I know she won’t. Now who’s I’m gonna believe in? Can you tell me, mind? Seriously, I’m the one who’s insane. I’m talking to myself.

The droplets from above started to fall, touching everything on the land. I remained still on my seat but I told myself I have to run to the E-mart and apply. How would I? I’m wet! Oh whatever. Next thing I knew, I was running and looking for the ‘E-mart’ somewhere. Perfect. I’m gonna apply and I am really, really presentable.

“I’m looking for Ms. Emily? Where I can find her?” I asked over the guy over the package counter.
“She’s on her office. Just straight ahead and when you see an office, that’s her place.” He replied, eyeing me suspiciously.
“Okay, thank you.” I said and hurriedly made my way to the office. I nearly tumble down because my sneakers are not in a good condition when it rains.

I finally reached the office. I’m trying to catch my breath because it so damn hard to run from the park up to here. Deep breaths and I knock.

“Come in.” An old woman replied.
“Excuse me ma’am, I’m really sorry, I’m dripping wet.” I responded as soon as I enter the office. The office was very simple, just plain white wallpaper, few chairs, two wooden desks, a computer, stack of papers were lying on the desk, a wireless phone and a mug of pencils and pens. Two big cabinets, a television and a water dispenser.
“Oh! Honey! You must be cold. Wait there for a minute.” The old woman replied. She must be on her fifties,  I guess. She’s wearing a dress with a thin black belt on her waist and penny loafers.

She showed up with a white towel on her hand. “Oh heavens, don’t you have any umbrella my dear? Come on, wrapped this on your body.” She handed me the towel she’s holding and I immediately wrapped it on my body as she said. She handed me a hot chocolate and sat beside me.

“Are you here for applying?” She asked. She has a curly  short brunette hair like my grandma’s. She smelled good too.
“Yes. Ma’am.” I simply replied and took a sip from the mug I was holding.
“You look so young. Do you still go to school?” She asked with a frown on across her face.
“Yes, ma’am. I really need the money so I have to work,” I  said, Oh jeez. Will she allow me to work?
“Okay, since you really need it and I see that you’re a good child. I’ll let you work. You can start tomorrow.” She smiled, showing her complete teeth in the front.
“Thank you. Thank you so much!” I hugged her.
“Now, finish drinking your hot chocolate and go straight home to change clothes, okay?” She said. She reminds me a lot of my grandma, who passed away a long time ago.
“Yes, ma’am.” I sipped my hot chocolate happily.

“Hayley!” Someone called me. I looked around, scanning the place. As if I can see everything clearly. I just left the E-mart and about to head home. “Hayley! Over here!”
It is Zac. Now what am I going to do? How would I explain everything? I didn’t go to school today because I have to find a work. Aunt is fully aware that I didn’t attend school today, all she know is that I don’t feel like going to school. That’s it. She didn’t know about this work thing.

“Hayley, what are you doing?” Zac asked. He peeked his head on the car’s window.
“Standing.” I replied sarcastically.
“Yes, I know you’re standing. Oh Boy. Josh’s gonna kill me. Come on, hop inside the car now!” He yelled over.

“Hayley, why didn’t you go to school today? Josh’s looking for you. As well as Emily.” Zac said as soon as I get inside his car.
“Sorry, I’m dripping wet.” I replied.
“That’s okay. Just answer my question Hayles.” He said. O-oh.
“I just.. I just don’t feel like going to school today.” I lied. Well, what do you expect? I can’t tell him about applying in the E-mart for helping reason. He would tell Josh!
“Did you just apply there for work?” He asked. His gaze was focused on me. How did he know? How come? Oh Boy. This is really trouble. SOS. Mayday!
I remained silent. He knew.
“You are helping Selena to have her necklace back, aren’t you?” He asked. Now I’m done. He knew everything. But I should have defended myself.

________________________________________________________

yay. please, forgive me. i posted this chapter as chapter 30. haha. im soo stupid. but anyways, i already change it. :|

Note: In my unending quest of intellectual sexiness I figured I should chronicle what's inside my mind. So this series of journals(if I could get the effort to make the next ones) would be like a pensieve that I could put my thoughts into and you would be Harry Potter who gets to take a peek of these precious but sadly irrelevant nonsense fruits of boredom and procrastination. For the virgin topic the first would be DREAMS. Btw every journal comes with songs that are somehow relevant to the journals theme.

It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live. * Albus Dumbledore (Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone by J.K. Rowling) 

My grandparents are really fund of listening to AM radio, they tune in to radio news program almost every day and night. When I was six I was with them and everytime they listen to the news programs I would listen too with all fascination and desire to be a radio news anchor simply because I thought they are really famous and they influence people.

Came my early elementary days(in US grade school) I did well at science that it got me wanting to be a scientist though I dont exactly know what they do all I know back then was they were responsible of inventing great things that hugely impacts humanity.

As I aged I get to know other things that wasnt really that essential to livingWhen I was 12 I wanted to be a rockstar because a lot of people worships them they're like gods to some die hards. They make money, fame and glory with their music. And their music is nothing but what they feel, its like sharing a part of themselves to the world. It looked damn easy to live a life they had.

I stepped into the mayhem known as high school and trying to seek a place where I belong I found myself in the school publication. I am not a good writer it just happened that in absence of decent writers I was chosen. To make up for my insufficient writing power I became a really prolific writer. Enjoying my far fetched ideas I dreamed of seeing them in print and it wasnt because of fame or money that had me wanting it, this time it was because of fulfillment.

Then came the torture filled university days, I took up BSIT because it sounds cool. Normally or maybe costumary the first semesters would be an uphill climb and I even wanted to quit and climb another mountain. But eventually I woke up dreaming of revolutionizing the internet just like Chad Hurley, Steve Chen and Jawed Karim of Youtube.

Now I have a job and its like an incorpation of all the dream jobs that I had. I get to use my communication skills and my lets say technichal skills. Its funny how most of sets the exact things and under inevitable cirmcumstances never get to do them. Its not because you dreamed of becoming a rockstar you'll attain it, 80% of the chances you wont but dare to look at your other potentials and work your ass off for it. Calculate the probability of the certitude of you grasping it.

As for me I might've given up for the obviously unreachable dreams but I still dream of being a published writer. I guess there must be something that you have to grip tightly and never lose. And with it you'll realize the ultimate essence of the word, dream.