January 7, 2010Mark Reads 'Breaking Dawn': Chapter 4In the fourth chapter of Breaking Dawn, Bella and Edward enjoy their wedding reception. And for a brief moment, Stephenie Meyer's writing isn't terrible and everything isn't unbearable. Jacob even shows up to bid his friend goodbye. And then.....sex. And then....chaos. And then....everything is wrong and horrible and ruined and I don't want to read any further anymore. But I have to. Intrigued? Then it's time for Mark to read Breaking Dawn. Full review of the 4th chapter of Breaking Dawn inside...
Posted by Mark Reads Twilight on 01/07/2010 5:24 PM Comments (34)
January 6, 2010Mark Reads 'Breaking Dawn': Chapter 3In the third chapter of Breaking Dawn, Meyer actually introduces a major plot point in the third chapter. However, it's such a large point that everything feels deflated. How can there possibly be 700 more pages of this? Oh, just so you know, Bella actually gets married to Edward. And it might have been beautiful if it all wasn't so unbearable and atrocious. Intrigued? Then it's time for Mark to read Breaking Dawn. Full review of the 3rd chapter of Breaking Dawn inside...
Posted by Mark Reads Twilight on 01/06/2010 2:35 PM Comments (47)
January 5, 2010Mark Reads 'Breaking Dawn': Chapter 2In the second chapter of Breaking Dawn, Bella and Edward talk about sex, practice future positions, and then lecture each other about the merits (or downsides) to pre-marital sex. Then Edward leaves for his bachelor party, which involves hunting for bears, and Bella is left to freak out about her upcoming marriage. Meyer then grossly foreshadows the fact that Bella is going to have a vampire child that's forbidden by the Volturi. Sigh. Intrigued? Then it's time for Mark to read Breaking Dawn. Full review of the 2nd chapter of Breaking Dawn inside...
Posted by Mark Reads Twilight on 01/05/2010 4:02 PM Comments (49)
January 4, 2010Mark Reads 'Breaking Dawn': Preface/Chapter 1In the first chapter of Breaking Dawn, we're clued into the idea that the narrative will be split between Bella and another as-yet-announced character, most likely Jacob. We get Bella first, and she's still just as whiny and unhappy as the day we left her in Eclipse. Meyer calls her characters childish, there's some more overprotective wank, and everything is horrible. And this is just the beginning. Intrigued? Then it's time for Mark to finally start reading Breaking Dawn. Full review of the 1st chapter of Breaking Dawn inside...
Posted by Mark Reads Twilight on 01/04/2010 4:47 PM Comments (58)
Mark Reads 'Eclipse': Archive and Chapter NotesDespite an overwhelming amount of advice that suggested otherwise, I finished reading Eclipse. And despite believing that there was no way that it was possible for the book to be worse than New Moon, it was. Infinitely worse. So let's relive our favorite (is that the right word?) moments of the book while sharing in some of the insight behind each chapter review. Intrigued? Then it's time for Mark to reminisce about Eclipse. Full archive and notes for all 27 chapters of Eclipse inside...
Posted by Mark Reads Twilight on 01/04/2010 12:23 PM Comments (18)
December 30, 2009Mark Reads 'Eclipse': EpilogueIn the epilogue of Eclipse, Meyer mysteriously decides to switch to Jacob's point of view for the final few pages of the novel. In just 8 pages of text, she commits the ultimate character assassination of Jacob Black, confirms that the werewolves are all misogynist wastes of space, and makes sure that Jacob also calls an inanimate object "retarded." IN 8 PAGES. Intrigued? Then it's time for Mark to finish reading Eclipse. Full review of the epilogue of Eclipse inside...
Posted by Mark Reads Twilight on 12/30/2009 6:13 PM Comments (57)
December 29, 2009Mark Reads 'Eclipse': Chapter 27In the twenty seventh chapter of Eclipse, the Cullens stalk Bella and Bella cries so much she becomes dehydrated. There's some more marriage lulz, as we learn that Alice is planning a "traditional" wedding ceremony for Bella. Then there's a sex scene with no resolution and it's very painful and awkward. And everything is horrible and terrible and not good at all. Intrigued? Then it's time for Mark to read Eclipse. Full review of the 27th chapter of Eclipse inside...
Posted by Mark Reads Twilight on 12/29/2009 11:08 PM Comments (42)
December 28, 2009Mark Reads 'Eclipse': Chapter 26In the twenty sixth chapter of Eclipse, @#$ $#%WDFJKJASKDF Z;DKLJADSF0978345;ASF ;ASF9034FADSKJL ASDKJASD90UKFA;HLKA D@#$!@##$@! 1546 @$%$^*#@$@(##!$% D AKL;A;ISDJKLDS:IO AJK;KLj sdfa;ljkasdio;fu ewrn ()*()*(YYIUHJjkl U90&y%^&*$^&YUPhjklJHbvVlg hjklL kgKJ fKrTUYRIThfkj jIU(&*5^*(&kl LGKJFKG^IU^&4gluk ,$&*%^$%&^^%&*%^!@ !!@@!!@!!@!1!1!21!@@1%12#!2 12 1 Intrigued? Then it's time for Mark to read Eclipse. Full review of the 26th chapter of Eclipse inside...
Posted by Mark Reads Twilight on 12/28/2009 8:32 PM Comments (51)
December 23, 2009Mark Reads 'Eclipse': Chapter 25In the twenty fifth chapter of Eclipse, nothing happens. How many times have I written this? Bella whines some more, Jacob is hurt, but not in any manner that affects anything, and the Volturi shows up to make sure everything is ok. And it is and they leave and the chapter is still just as useless as it was when it started. Intrigued? Then it's time for Mark to read Eclipse. Full review of the 25th chapter of Eclipse inside...
Posted by Mark Reads Twilight on 12/23/2009 4:29 PM Comments (47)
December 22, 2009Mark Reads 'Eclipse': Chapter 24In the twenty fourth chapter of Eclipse, Bella actually begs Edward to abuse her because of her epiphany regarding her love for Jacob. Really. Then the newborn vampires show up and begin fighting the werewolves and Cullens miles away and we're forced to have Edward narrate the action to Bella because no one is actually there. But then Victoria shows up and everything becomes horrible, terrible, intolerable, and incredibly irritating. Intrigued? Then it's time for Mark to read Eclipse. Full review of the 24th chapter of Eclipse inside...
Posted by Mark Reads Twilight on 12/22/2009 4:58 PM Comments (39)
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