 |
There's not going to be a break from the insanity this time around, so today I'm going to attempt to make it through Stephenie Meyer's commentary on New Moon from her website. Will I use ALL CAPS? How man glitter text blocks will show up? Which macros will make an appearance? How many times will I call bullshit on Meyer? But, most importantly, is Meyer's commentary on New Moon worse than the book itself? If you're intrigued, then it's time for Mark to read Stephenie Meyer's website.
|
 |
In the epilogue of New Moon, Meyer briefly and succinctly creates 15 pages worth of trite, disgusting garbage that are actually worse than the previous 24 chapters. Combined. Not content ruining her father's life, she decides to begin stalking Jacob by phone (REMEMBER HIM???). This prompts Jacob to come to her house with her motorcycle in attempt to be honest with Charlie. This backfires ruthlessly and we are forced to suffer through the most disturbing dialogue ever penned to paper. Intrigued? Then it's time for Mark to finish New Moon.
|
 |
In the twentieth chapter of New Moon, Stephenie Meyer attempts to write a dramatic and suspenseful scene to end her novel. She fails. Miserably. Not only is it nowhere near suspenseful, but you find out there are still 100 pages left of the book, making this the most uninteresting plot turn ever penned. Then Edward quotes Romeo & Juliet and then it's really boring, and then you realize there are still 100 pages left in the book. Intrigued? Then it's time for Mark to read New Moon.
|
 |
In the nineteenth chapter of New Moon, Alice and Bella board a plane headed to some strange Italian city with a castle. (We're pretty sure Meyer just Wikipedia'd the name of some obscure city and made it the center piece of her finale.) Then Alice actually agrees to eventually make Bella a vampire. Someday. And then the entire world ceases to exist when we find out that Edward is going to commit suicide by sparkling. NO. SERIOUSLY. Intrigued? Then it's time for Mark to read New Moon.
|
 |
In the eighteenth chapter of New Moon, an unbelievable amount of miscommunication, angry misdirection, and colossal misunderstanding leads to physical violence, insanely bad decisions, and one headache of a chapter. Truth be told, it's hard to understand why any author would spend page after page with virtually no plot and then suddenly shift into high gear. (Again!) Intrigued? Then it's time for Mark to read New Moon.
|
 |
In the seventeenth chapter of New Moon, Alice shows up at Bella's house because she had a vision that Bella killed herself. Bella tries to fool Alice, but, in the greatest moments in any of these books, Alice calls her out for being the self-loathing, uncaring sod that she is. Angels weep in heaven. Then Bella overhears her father talk to Alice about what a horrible person she is and suddenly there is world peace. Intrigued? Then it's time for Mark to read New Moon.
|
 |
In the sixteenth chapter of New Moon, Bella doesn't die from suicide. Jacob saves her. Surprise! Another strong man saves the weak damsel in distress. Jacob takes her to his house and they fall asleep, which leads Bella to dream about the play Romeo & Juliet and justify the entire book's existence because...we're not sure why. And then VAMPIRES SHOW UP, but it's probably the Cullens, so there's no need to be interested in the story at all. Intrigued? Then it's time for Mark to read New Moon.
|
 |
In the fourteenth chapter of New Moon, Stephenie Meyer reaches new literary heights by writing pages and pages of exposition for what appears to be a really bad porn. Or slashfic. Something like that. But seriously, there are half naked boys in a forest wrestling while other half naked boys bet on which one will bleed and then there are half naked boys who make a Bella sandwich in her car and...no, it's really bad. Really really bad. And then we meet Jacob's family and it's weird and full of bizarre displays of homoerotic masculinity, leading to one conclusion: this … Read More |
 |
In the twelfth chapter of New Moon, we learn the scratching outside Bella's bedroom window is Jacob. Climbing a tree. He apologizes profusely to Bella and says he'd like to tell her why he was acting so weird. Only he can't, so he forces Bella to guess. For real. Then Meyer writes what is essentially a literary flashback monologue and brain cells start melting and then the book just plummets to the absolute bottom of the barrel. All hope is lost. Intrigued? Then it's time for Mark to read New Moon.
|
 |
In the eleventh chapter of New Moon, Bella spends pages merely calling Jacob over and over again, at one point calling every 30 minutes for an entire evening. She finally gives up stalking him over the phone and drives to his house, confronting Jacob's friend Quil, who magically validates all of Bella's stalking. Then Jacob fights with Bella because no one in this book can communicate and Billy blames the whole ordeal on Bella's genitals. Intrigued? Then it's time for Mark to read New Moon.
|
 |
In the tenth chapter of New Moon, Bella spends far too much time openly stalking Jacob because it's clear at this point that she's not a normal human being. This leads her to return to her usual mopey self, so she decides the best thing to do is revisit the meadow from Twilight where Edward revealed his glittery powers to her. There's no Edward, but Laurent shows up, tries to eat her, and a ton of werewolves show up, including Jacob. It is just as dumb as it sounds. Intrigued? Then it's time for Mark to read New Moon.
|
 |
In the ninth chapter of New Moon, Meyer spends far two much time on banal plot points that seem to go nowhere until, ONCE AGAIN, she uses Jacob to foreshadow his own transformation into a werewolf. Before the reader gouges his or her eyes out, however, we're forced to deal with Bella becoming certifiably insane because of her break up with Edward and her growing affection with Jacob. Intrigued? Then it's time for Mark to read New Moon.
|
 |
In the eighth chapter of New Moon, Jacob and Bella hang out more; twice, Bella ends up in the hospital because of this. (Of course, everything is her fault and everyone accepts this as rational and normal.) But we learn an even more disturbing fact about our least favorite heroine: she hangs out with Jacob specifically to trigger hallucinations that appear as the voice of Edward. Even worse, chapter eight is full of some of the creepiest, near-porn dialogue in any book yet. Intrigued? Then it's time for Mark to read New Moon.
|
 |
In the seventh chapter of New Moon, Jacob proves to be even more ADORABLE and AMAZING than a single fiber on Edward Cullen's blazer. Bella is still kind of dumb and weird about this, but she's slowly improving. But, of course, Meyer ruins a good thing by spending pages having Jacob spoil almost all of the book that's left by repeatedly hinting that his friends are realizing they're werewolves. Pages and pages and pages devoted to painful foreshadowing. It hurts. Intrigued? Then it's time for Mark to read New Moon.
|
 |
In the sixth chapter of New Moon, Bella and Jacob's friendship grows as the two (mostly Jacob) work on the set of motorcycles Bella picked up. Bella stops moping, for once, though her penchant for sexism and irritating gloom-and-doom is still present. Bella might actually be happy for once, werewolves are disgustingly foreshadowed, and we deal with possible Mormon propaganda. Intrigued? Then it's time for Mark to read New Moon.
|
 |
In the fifth chapter of New Moon, Bella mopes at work, mopes on her way home from work, and eventually pulls off to the side of the road to CONTINUE MOPING. In a moment of inspired bliss, Meyer finally decides she's had enough of her irritating attitude, so Bella buys two motorcycles (no, really) and goes to hang out with Jacob Black. And, for the first time, ever, a book by Stephenie Meyer is actually kind of awesome. Intrigued? Then it's time for Mark to read New Moon.
|
 |
In the fourth chapter of New Moon, Bella's dad demands that his daughter stop acting like her life is over. Bella responds by acting like her life is over. She then uses Jessica to have a "girl's night out," in which she awkwardly watches a zombie movie, equates her own life to a zombie's, and then creepily "stalks" some dude. Also, her life is over this whole time. Or something. Intrigued? Then it's time for Mark to read New Moon.
|
 |
In the third chapter of New Moon, Edward treats Bella in exactly the same manner he does in the beginning of Twilight: he ignores her as awkwardly as possible. Then he takes her into the woods, breaks up with her for the dumbest reason ever, and then leaves her there to get lost. But then Meyer does something even worse by using a literary technique that should have forced her from ever being able to publish another book again. Intrigued? Then it is time for Mark to read New Moon.
|
 |
In order to milk the fact that I'm done reading the worst book of all time and to fill up the two days before the Twilight liveblog, here's a comprehensive summary of every single chapter review I've done. This is mostly for my scatterbrain in my head, as I can never remember which review featured a fake court transcript and which creeped me out because I imagined my own death. As an added bonus so that this is not a complete waste of digital space, I will share my intimate and maddening chapter notes for each chapter. Intrigued? Then it's … Read More |
 |
In the twenty-third chapter of Twilight, Stephenie Meyer finds it necessary to write for only 4 pages. And make it a whole chapter. Also, vampires can reverse other vampire's venom? We don't understand it, but this chapter is so short that we have nothing else to go on. So we instead compare Twilight to the Goosebumps series. If you're still intrigued, then it's time for Mark to read Twilight.
|