soco Blog and Journals

can't make this right, you see on my face, that i'm not gonna be alright, not tonight,  you can read all my letters, but that won't mean things are fine, not this time, cause you gave away all the secrets of you and i this broken heart, was stronger then now i cant stand to part with this this broken heart, was stronger than, the words i wish you never meant this broken heart

I could still be ruthless, if you let me.

A young nurse with bleached-blonde hair pulled back into a low braid walked into room 204. She walked straight over to the patient’s bed without once glancing up at him. She grabbed the patient’s chart off of the end of his bed, and began her routine evaluation.

 

            “So,” she began. “Mr. Mc…Mr. McMahon?” She stumbled through it as she read his name.

 

            “So you finally became a doctor?” the patient said from the bed with a huge smile on his face; the kind of smile that you have when you are reunited with a past love. “I’m proud of you Konstantine.” He added as an afterthought.

 

            “Actually I’m a nurse,” Konstantine responded as she fidgeted with his chart. “I decided that this was the right path for me.”

 

            “Well I’m glad to see that you’re finally following your dreams instead of mine.” The patient responded.

 

            “Andrew, I chose to support your dreams,” Konstantine exclaimed. This was a subject that she used to spend a lot of time arguing about. “It was my choice.” She reiterated. “You weren’t slipping in-between me and my big dreams.” She added.

 

Andrew smiled at her once again. “I see that you still followed along with me career then?” he half-asked, half-stated.

 

            “You could say that,” Konstantine responded slyly, with a slight smile on her face. That was the first time she had smiled at him since they were reunited. In actuality she had listened to every single one of his songs; Something Corporate songs and Jack’s Mannequin songs that had been leaked to her from an inside source. She listened to them enough to realize that most of them were written about her. There were songs written about her before they dated, while they were dating, and after they broke up. She didn’t know how to react with having most of her love life being expressed in the form of songs. Initially she was flattered to hear songs written about her, but now that they were broken up it was kind of awkward.

 

            “So then I’m guessing that you’ve realized most of my songs are written about you, written about us.” Andrew stated, and then stole a quick glance at Konstantine to see if his assumption was correct. She nodded her head slightly, so he continued to talk. “Then you’ve also noticed how much I miss you. I haven’t stopped missing you since the day you left my house. Without saying ‘goodbye’ I might add.” He explained, trying to lighten the moment and get some answers at the same time.

 

            “Hey, I left you a very long letter explaining things.” She said in her defense. “I believe that letter is actually mentioned in ‘The Mixed Tape’ so don’t even try to deny it.”

 

            “Still, a personal goodbye would have been nice.” Andrew replied.

 

            “I know, but everything was so… difficult at that time.” Konstantine recalled.

 

<<Flashback>>

Andrew had just told Konstantine that they needed to go their ‘separate ways’ yesterday. When she had asked him why he just told her that with Something Corporate finally establishing a name for itself, he didn’t think that he would have any time for her. He told her that he would have to spend all of his time focusing on the band. When Konstantine said that she would continue to be there every step of the way to support the band, he told her that the band wasn’t the only reason that he wanted to end their relationship. His exact words had been, “I just don’t love you anymore, and I think that it’s time for us to move on and see other people.” Konstantine didn’t know what to think. She was just as in love with him as she was previously, and she thought their relationship had been going great. Sure they had their fair share of small fights, and they both had excessive drinking problems, but what healthy couple doesn’t? They would wake up pretty much every morning to find themselves in what Konstantine liked to call ‘four-aspirin morning.’ Other than those minor problems, she thought everything had been going smoothly.

 

After she had processed everything that Andrew had said to her she ran to the kitchen table, and grabbed her car keys off of the surface. By this time tears were streaming down her face, smudging her freshly applied mascara. She left the house through the front door, and began to make her way towards he car, which was parked in the driveway. She wanted with all her heart for Andrew to come running outside, screaming her name, and saying that it had all been a mistake. A joke perhaps. But as she got into her car her brain was telling her that this was not going to happen. This didn’t make her heart stopping hoping less. She stayed in the driveway a few second longer than normal before driving as far away from there as possible.

 

She went to their favorite park and sat on one of the benches, crying her eyes out. Cavanaugh Park was always a great place to go if you needed some thinking time. after a couple of hours Konstantine realized that all of her belongings were still at Andrew’s house, at her old house. She couldn’t bring herself to face him again, so she planned on going back there tomorrow while he was at work. She sat in the park until then. She drove her car back to his house in the morning, and packed up all of her belongings. She even took all of the mixed tapes that he had made for her throughout their relationship. After she had collected all of her stuff and put it into her car, she came back into the house one last time. She sat down at the kitchen table for a few minutes, and composed a long, tear-stained letter for him. In the letter she just let him know that she would never stop loving him, and that she would always be there for him. With that out in the open, she folded the piece of paper, and wrote Andrew’s name on it, and propped it up on the table. Then she turned and walked through the front door one last time.

<<End Flashback>>

 

            “You’re the one who broke up with me anyways, so you really didn’t deserve a personal goodbye.” Konstantine said bitterly as she recalled past events.

 

            “I know,” Andrew said slowly, as he cast his eyes downward and focused them on his hands. “I only did that for you though; for your dream of becoming a doctor.” He explained to her as he timidly glanced back up to make eye contact again.

 

            “You expect me to believe that you broke up with me to help me?” Konstantine asked angrily; her eyes showing no emotion. She had loved him so much, and she couldn’t even fathom how he thought ripping her away from that love could help her in anyway. True love was more important to her than becoming a doctor.

 

            “I know it’s hard to believe, but I don’t regret it in anyway.” Andrew responded truthfully. “I knew how much you wanted to become a doctor, but I also knew that you would choose to stand by me instead. I just couldn’t bear to see you giving up your dream.”

 

            “Okay, well now that you’ve had a chance to explain your reasoning you can leave now.” Konstantine said after he had finished talking. She had figured that his whole ‘showing up in the hospital’ thing had been some ploy for him to win her back. He looked healthy, so obviously he wasn’t really sick.

 

            “No I can’t,” Andrew responded quietly, as he shifted his gaze down to his fidgeting hands once again.

 

Konstantine opened her mouth to ask him why he couldn’t leave, but then decided to look at his chart instead. As her eyes scanned down the chart she felt an overwhelming sadness enclose around her entire body. She couldn’t believe that what was written on the paper was correct. She must have read it wrong or something. After rereading the chart three or four times, she finally closed it and looked up at Andrew, who was now examining her facial expressions.

 

            “How long have you known that you have…that you have leukemia?” Konstantine finally asked after a few moments of silence. The last words that she had spoken seemed to get stuck in the back of her throat as she tried to say them.

 

            “I found out a couple of weeks ago.” He responded.

 

Konstantine nodded her head slightly as she took a seat on the end of his bed. “And are you coming here for your first day of treatment today then?” she asked, trying to wrap her head around this entire situation. The first time that she’s seen him in years, and it’s all because of a terminal illness.

 

            “Actually when I sat down with the doctors last week we discussed all of my options, and we decided to take another route instead of chemotherapy.” Andrew explained.

 

            “Bone marrow transplant or stem-cell transplant?” Konstantine asked from where she was sitting. These options were proven to be more effective, but they could also be more dangerous.

 

            “Stem-cell.” Andrew answered right away. “Katie’s the donor.” He added before she even had time to ask him the next question.

 

Katie was Andrew’s sister, and one of Konstantine’s best friends. Even after Konstantine moved from Orange County, California to New York City they had stayed in contact. She was actually the one who had sent Konstantine the Jack’s Mannequin music after it was recorded. She couldn’t imagine how she had neglected to tell her that Andrew had acute lymphoblastic leukemia, and that she herself was planning on being his stem-cell donor.

 

            “I wonder why she didn’t tell me.” Konstantine said, thinking out loud.

 

            “When would she have had a chance to tell you?” Andrew asked curiously.

 

            “What?” she asked, getting snapped away from her thoughts. “Oh, we talk on the phone a lot.” She answered, as if it wasn’t a big deal.

 

            “I see…”Andrew replied slowly.

 

            “What? We’re friends.” Konstantine said in her defense. “I have every right to talk to her on the phone.”

            “I didn’t say that you didn’t,” Andrew replied, slightly taken back by how defensive she had gotten. “I just wondered why she hadn’t mentioned that you guys were still in contact to me.” He explained. “I guess she just figured that we would meet up again sooner or later, and I guess she was right.”

 

            “I guess so,” Konstantine replied. She didn’t know is she felt happy or sad to see him again. She had moved on with her life, and he was part of the past. Part of her old life.

 

            “You know, you can still be my Punk Rock Princess.” Andrew said hopefully, with a playful smile on his face. He had never stopped loving her, and he just needed to remind her how much she had once loved him.

 

            “I’m sorry, but you can’t be my Garage Band King.” Konstantine replied after a while. He had hurt her way too much for her to just jump right back into their old relationship. They would have to start over new, and Konstantine didn’t know if she possessed enough strength to allow her to do that.

 

Andrew’s face fell. He knew that winning her back was not going to be an easy task, but the thought she would show at least a little compassion; at least a spark of their old flame. “Are you seeing someone?” he asked. If she was seeing someone then it would just make this task even harder than it already was.

 

            “Actually…” Konstantine began to answer, but she was cut off by Andrew.

 

            “I just hope that it’s not that Jordan kid.” He said.

 

            “What I was going to say was that I haven’t dated very many people because I have yet to find the right person for me, and I don’t want to waste my time.” she responded. “But there was nothing wrong with Jordan. He was my first love.”

 

            “You actually loved that arrogant asshole?!?” Andrew asked, sounding extremely shocked at her last statement. He couldn’t see how anyone could possibly love that guy.

 

            “Just because you two hated each other doesn’t mean that he was incapable of being loved.” Konstantine explained with a slight laugh as she recalled their relationship in the past.

 

            “And I still don’t know why he hated me.” Andrew replied.

 

            “Bull!” Konstantine shouted abruptly. “You know exactly why he hated you.”

 

            “You’re right,” Andrew replied with a smile. “I would have hated me too if I was him. I mean, who wouldn’t hate someone who kissed their girlfriend while they were still dating?”

 

<<Flashback>>

It was the last day of Junior year, and Konstantine’s parents were out of town for the entire weekend, so naturally she decided to throw a huge party. The word about her party spread through the school like a wildfire, so hundreds of kids ended up going. I mean, who would turn down a party with free booze? Andrew had opted to stay home because it wasn’t his type of party. He had contemplated about going just so he could spend time around his crush, Konstantine. He had decided against this though because she already had a boyfriend, so he really didn’t have a chance with her. He didn’t think that she would even know who he was, even though he did have two or three classes with her. He wasn’t very popular in school. He only had a small group of friends, so he would just tend to lie low. At around one o’clock in the morning he received a telephone call from one of his friends who was wasted beyond belief. His speech was so slurred that Andrew could hardly understand what he was saying. Through common sense he deduced that his friend needed to be picked up from Konstantine’s party, so Andrew got off of the couch and climbed into his car. When he arrived at Konstantine’s house everyone appeared to be gone besides her younger cousin, who was passed out on the lawn.

 

            “Some party,” Andrew thought to himself. He began to walk up the path towards the front door just to make sure that his friend had gotten a ride home, when Konstantine stepped out of the house and began to walk, well more like stumble, towards him. She was obviously drunk, but Andrew still couldn’t help but notice how beautiful she looked.

 

            “Hey,” she said loudly to him, followed by a hiccup. “You’re in my biology class aren’t you?” she asked as she pointed a finger at him.

 

            “Yes, yes I am.” Andre said happily, they were actually in physics together, but at least she knew that they were in science class together. She had guessed the wrong type of science, but it was close enough for him.

 

            “You’re kinda cute,” she slurred as she put her hand on his chest.

 

            “Thanks…” Andrew said awkwardly. Had the girl of his dreams that was so out of his league, just call him cute?

 

            “Kiss me.” Konstantine commanded, as she began to lean towards him.  He could smell the strong scent of alcohol lingering on her breath.

 

            “Um…Let’s save this for another night.” Andrew said. He wanted to kiss her more than anything in the world right now, but he just didn’t feel right. He didn’t want to take advantage of her when she was so obviously drunk.

 

            “No, no, no I know that everything’s gonna be just fine.” She slurred assuringly, and with that she leaned in again, this time closing her eyes. They kissed for a few seconds, Andrew enjoying every bit of it, and Konstantine too drunk to care. Andrew slowly opened his eyes before breaking the kiss and saw that her eyes were open.

 

            “I’ve got to go.” He said promptly, and then turned to go back to his car, dodging the random drunk people that Andrew hadn’t noticed before. She didn’t care about him. he could have been anyone, and she still would have kissed him. How could he do this to himself?

<<End Flashback>>

 

            “How did he find out about that night anyway?” Andrew asked, as he recounted all of that night’s events.

 

            “A few of his friends had been lingering on the lawn.” She explained, as if it was the only logical explanation.

 

            “I should have guessed.” Andrew replied. “Still with or without me kissing you he was still a little redhead bitch.”

 

            “Maybe in your opinion,” Konstantine responded. “He was always wonderful to me.”

 

            “Yea, especially that time he broke your heart by telling you that he had been cheating on you.” Andrew said sarcastically. Konstantine always forget about the bad things that people did, so why couldn’t she forgive Andrew for what he had done? Especially since he actually had good intentions.

 

            “Well other than that, he was a perfect gentleman.” Konstantine replied. “Besides, if he hadn’t done that then we never would have gotten together.”

 

            “Yea and we never would have both caught severe cases of pneumonia.” Andrew said with a slight laugh, as he remembered that time in their life.

 

<<Flashback>>

Konstantine and Jordan were just hanging out at Jordan’s house watching a few movies. Everything was going fine until Jordan wanted to get more “intimate” with Konstantine. They had done it plenty of times, but lately Konstantine hadn’t been in the mood. She was overly exhausted from school and work, and she just wanted to relax when she got some free time. After turning down Jordan’s proposal once again, he got angry with her. In his rage he lost his head, and began screaming at her that this was why he had to go to other girls to get his “needs” satisfied. Konstantine didn’t hear anything that he had said after that; she was too shocked at what he had just confessed. She hadn’t even had the slightest clue that he was cheating on her, and she just couldn’t believe it. The next thing she heard was Jordan telling her that they were finished. Konstantine just nodded her head, and began to walk towards the front door while Jordan just continued to shout at her some more. She only caught a few words here and there, but she knew that she heard the mention of Andrew’s name.

 

After her party she had felt bad about kissing him, and being the reason why Jordan was constantly out to get him, so she befriended him. They didn’t spend too much time together, but they had gotten to know each other a lot better. He was actually a really great guy. He was a pianist and a lead singer for a band called Something Corporate, and she thought that that was really cool. She had yet to hear anything by them though.

 

As Konstantine reached the front door she remembered that she hadn’t driven over to Jordan’s house, so she would have to walk home. It was probably better that she wasn’t going to get behind the wheel of a car right now anyways. She needed time to wrap her head around what had just happened, and walking was great for that.

 

When she opened the front door she realized that it was raining, well more like pouring. She didn’t care; she just had to leave this house as soon as possible. She pulled the hood of her sweatshirt up to try and stay a little bit dry, and then she stepped outside immediately becoming soaked. She started to walk, and she just kept walking until she reached her house. She stopped in front of her house, but she didn’t feel like going inside just yet, so she continued to walk. She kept walking until she reached her favorite park; Cavanaugh Park. This park was about ten miles away from her house, so she must have been walking for hours. She was completely soaked from head to toe by this point in time, but she really couldn’t have cared less. She just sat in the park until well after it became dark. Her teeth had begun to chatter rather ferociously, so she decided that it would be a good time to return home. She didn’t want to walk the ten miles back to her house in the dark, so she walked over the payphone and pondered about who she should call. It took her a while to remember the number, but after a few seconds she had dialed it. After the phone rang a few times Andrew answered. It sounded like he had been sleeping when Konstantine had called. Konstantine had no clue what time it was, but it must have been pretty late.

 

            “Hello?” Andrew said groggily.

 

            “H…Hey Andrew,” Konstantine chattered. She wasn’t sure if it was because she was cold, or if she was nervous for some reason.

 

            “Konstantine?” Andrew asked, recognizing her voice immediately. It was two o’clock in the morning, so he couldn’t imagine why she would be calling him. She sounded a little different than normal, but he could tell that it wasn’t because she was drunk.

 

            “Yea,” Konstantine answered as a shiver coursed through her entire body. “I’m sorry to call you so late, but I’m about ten miles away from my house, and I’m freezing. So, I was wondering if…” she began to ask before Andrew cut her off.

 

            “I’ll come get you right now,” Andrew said, now fully awake. He got out of bed and began to get dressed. “Where are you?” he asked as he pulled a polo shirt over his head.

 

            “Um…I’m at Cavanaugh Park.” She answered. “Do you know where that is?”

 

            “Yea, yea I go there all of the time.” Andrew replied, slightly shocked that she was there. When he was a little kid his mother had taken him there all of the time, and he never stopped going there. It was his favorite place to go and think, or to write lyrics. “I’ll be there in about five minutes.” Andrew told Konstantine through the phone.

 

            “Thanks,” Konstantine said softly before they hung up. After she hung the phone up she walked towards the park’s parking lot, so that Andrew would be able to see her right away. Her hands were freezing cold, and she was positive that her lips must be some shade of blue by this time. The rain hadn’t eased up at all this entire time, so he clothes were sopping wet, and they clung to every inch of her body. After a few minutes a car pulled into the parking lot, and drove over to Konstantine. Andrew rolled down the window so that he could shout to Konstantine.

 

            “Get in the car. You must be freezing.” He said over the dull roar of the rain hitting the surrounding pavement. Konstantine opened the passenger’s door, and then slowly got into the car. “What were you doing in the rain? You could have phoned me for a ride sooner.” He told her, as he adjusted all of the heating vents so that they would blow directly on her.

 

            “I thought some fresh air would be good for me.” She explained. “Jordan and I broke up and I needed some time to clear my head.”

 

            “I’m sorry to hear that,” Andrew said softly, as he turned to look her directly in the eyes. She could tell automatically that he was truly sorry for her.

 

            “Don’t be,” Konstantine said with a sweet smile on her face. “All things happen for a reason.”

 

            “I guess,” Andrew replied. “But I still think that it was stupid of him to dump you.”

 

            “Oh, and why is that?” Konstantine asked curiously.

 

            “Well for starters you are extremely beautiful,” Andrew began. “And any guy would be lucky to have you. You are perfect in everyway; from your smile, to your laugh. Everything about you is absolutely perfect, and if he couldn’t see that then obviously he doesn’t deserve you.”

 

Konstantine didn’t know what to say to that. No one had said those kinds of things to her in quite a while. She leaned towards Andrew slowly, until her lips softly caressed his. She broke the kiss, and examined his face to make sure that it was okay. Then Andrew leaned in towards her, and their lips connected once again. After a few minutes of kissing Konstantine crawled into the backseat of the car, and took Andrew with her…

<<End Flashback>>

 

            “You’re right,” Andrew agreed with a smile as those memories from that night came flooding back to him. “Remind me to send Jordan a ‘thank you’ card.”

 

            “I believe you already did when ‘If You C Jordan’ was released as a single.” Konstantine responded with a laugh. “He was so pissed when he heard that song.”

 

            “Good, that was my intention.” Andrew replied. “He tried to make my life hell in high school, so I did my best to make his life hell every time he heard that song.”

 

            “Well, I think that you succeeded.” Konstantine stated with a smile. Andrew deserved the chance to get back at Jordan.

 

Konstantine and Andrew spent the next few hours reliving their past together. They never ran out of things to talk about, until Katie came into the hospital room. Konstantine said ‘hi’ to Katie, and then left the room so that she and Andrew could talk before they underwent the procedure together. The entire time that the doctors were working with Andrew and Katie, Konstantine sat at her desk and tried to catch up on some paperwork. Her mind was too preoccupied to be working hands on with patients, and her superiors noticed so they gave her paperwork to complete. She didn’t really get much work done because she was too nervous that something was going to wrong with the procedure. She didn’t even know why she was having these feelings. I mean, she hadn’t even seen Andrew in a few years. She couldn’t imagine that her feelings could pick up in the same spot where they left off. Her brain was telling her that that was impossible, but her heart seemed to be thinking otherwise. Well, what’s the worst that could happen if they got back together? Yes, he did break her heart before, but that’s only because he had her best interests at heart. He would never hurt her like that again. Even if he did, she might be willing to take that chance. She loves him. She thought that she was over him, but she obviously was still in love with him. she made up her mind; as soon as he woke up she would march into his room, and let him know how she felt.

 

After about another hour, the doctor that had been working on Andrew came out and told Konstantine that everything had gone smoothly. He informed her that she would be able to visit him as soon as he woke up, but that he would be extremely weak from the transplant for a while. Konstantine went into Andrew’s hospital room, and sat down in a chair and waited for him to wake up. She wanted to be the first person that he saw when he opened his eyes. Katie was sharing his hospital room with him as well. The doctors said that she would have to stay in the hospital for a few days just to build up her strength, but Andrew would have to stay there for a few months so that they could monitor his cancer recovery. Konstantine was staring at Andrew when his eyelids began to open.

 

            “Hey,” Andrew said slowly. “What a wonderful sight for sore eyes.”

 

            “Thank you,” Konstantine said with a smile as she got up from her chair, and made her way over to his bed.

 

            “You didn’t have to stay to see me wake-up.” Andre told her, as he watched her sit down on the edge of his bed.

 

            “Yes I did,” Konstantine responded as she took a deep breath. If she was going to confess her feelings to him now would be a good time.

 

            “And why is that?” Andrew asked, sensing that she had something to tell him. She never was good at saying what she felt; he always had to prompt her to speak her mind.

 

            “I needed to tell you that…to tell you that I still love you,” Konstantine said quickly, looking down the entire time.

 

Andrew smiled at her weakly, and put his hand under her chin so that he could lift her head up. He wanted to stare into her beautiful green eyes. “You don’t even know how happy that just made me.” Andrew told her truthfully. “I love you too; more than ever.”

 

Konstantine smiled at him, and then bent down so that she could kiss him lightly on the lips. As soon as their lips touched and they felt a spark of energy go through them, Konstantine knew that she had made the right choice. Over the next month or so Konstantine and Andrew never left each other’s sides. Andrew was becoming stronger and stronger every day, and the doctors had high hopes that he would make a full recovery. Andrew was writing new songs everyday in the hospital. He wrote a song for his sister entitled, “Katie” that he hoped would help show his utter appreciation for her, and for what she did for him. He also wrote a song called. “Lights and Buzz” that was mostly directed towards Konstantine. Because of Konstantine being back in his life he thought it felt good to be alive. After Andrew was released from the hospital Konstantine applied for a job transfer to Orange County so that she could move in with Andrew again. They lived for a few months together happily before Andrew went out on the road with Jack’s Mannequin for their first tour since the release of their CD ‘Everything in Transit.’ Konstantine had taken time off of work so that she could be there with him every step of the way. At the Ohio show, when Katie was in attendance, they played her song for her for the very first time. Then shortly after he called Konstantine out onstage. He introduced her as his other half, and the love of his life. Then he dropped down on one knee, and pulled out a diamond ring.

 

            “Will you marry me?” Andrew asked, as he held the ring up to her.

 

            “Of course,” Konstantine answered without even having to give it much thought at all.

 

After the Jack’s Mannequin tour concluded they began to plan their elaborate wedding. They got married the following spring, and had a beautiful baby girl about a year later. They named her Katie, after Andrew’s sister and lifesaver. Andrew sings his daughter to sleep every night by singing the chorus to one of the songs that he wrote for her mother.

 

“It’s good to be alive.

It’s good to be alive.

It’s good to be alive.”

 

**So, this is super long. About 11 pages in Microsoft Word, and I really dislike it. Like there isn't any drama or substance. I find it rather boring. Apparently I can't write one-shots. That kinda sucks since I like them so much. Um...I wanted to make this perfect because I love Andrew McMahon so much, but I'm sorry to say that it is far from perfect. I dedicate this one-shot to Chelsea!! Andrew McMahon owns her soul apparently... lol I'll try to write the first part of my next fanfic tomorrow. I'm not sure if I'll be able to post it tomorrow, so don't hold your breath. Thanks for reading. Comments + Buzz will make me feel like this story wasn't as crappy as it is. I hope you guys like it a little bit at least, and that it won't make you lose faith in me as a writer. I promise my next fanfic will be loads better.**